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Maybe I didn't really like being married?

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41andthankful posted 9/16/2013 17:57 PM

First post in this forum. I have been separated since May. I realized that my life has become simple and peaceful. I felt relief when I finally got my proof of WH a. The pain of it however; seemed almost unbearable. I enjoy life here with me and my dd. initially I was worried but quickly realized there was no slack to pick up. I was already used to doing everything. Not taking care of him and his expectations has been a weight off my shoulders. Other than the occasional cry for what I thought I had, I find that I am happy. Maybe I didn't really like being married? I don't miss it. Is it just me? Is anyone else less stressed not being with their spouse?

[This message edited by 41andthankful at 5:58 PM, September 16th (Monday)]

Eyeofthetiger posted 9/16/2013 18:21 PM

Weird that you post this. Because I have been thinking the same and feeling guilty for thinking it.

Nothing has changed really for me. I still do all the shuffling of kids and baths and cooking and all that stuff. I don't have to wonder if he is going to be late from work or if I should start dinner without him.

I miss what I thought I had and what I thought I would have in the future. I miss someone to talk to at night and someone to hold me and love me.

I miss who he was but not who he is now. So I am less stressed but more sad and lonely l.

Nature_Girl posted 9/16/2013 18:31 PM

I'm THRILLED not to be living with STBX! It is such a relief to be away from him.

newlysingle posted 9/16/2013 18:46 PM

Yes. I feel the same way. The Gnat always traveled a lot for work anyway, so I was used to being home with the kids alone. He still supports me enough that I can continue to be a SAHM for the meantime (heading back to school soon though). We dont have to hold iff dinner forever waiting on him and he takes the kids overnight sometimes.

I've never gotten a break from my kids like that before. I love them and love having them, but it's nice to have ME time. I'm very much enjoying not having him around.

sunsetslost posted 9/16/2013 18:51 PM

I'm in the same boat. I am much more fortunate than most on here. No kids. Not enough money to fight over. Free condo in FL when this crap gets sorted out. I was in forever. But the last few months of thinking about myself and what I want to accomplish in life is so exciting. Examining her flaws, selfishness, and depression has given me so much hope. Examining my flaws and actions have given me direction and hope. I deserve better. I won't miss her once I leave. I haven't seen her in 5 weeks. She has enough guilt that I can control the house sale and divorce without much fight. I'll be fair to her, probably too fair. But I'll do so for ME. Cut and run, start over. I love the idea of marriage. I want a partner someday to share all of life with. Someday a woman will bless the name of the one that broke my heart. I'll take these lessons and be a better man.

I wish you the best. Sometimes it's ok to let them go.

Phoenix1 posted 9/16/2013 19:01 PM

I was thinking about that just yesterday when I was mowing the lawn. Even though it took me all afternoon to do the yard work, I couldn't help but think it was no different with him gone as I did everything around the house anyway (once in a blue moon he would mow). His absence hasn't changed anything except fewer bills to pay (not paying his anymore while he was unemployed for over a year), not having to be his secretary and taking care of all his stuff, and much less tension in the house overall. I am doing things in the house I haven't been able to do since we moved here six years ago and its awesome! I don't have to "consult" with ANYONE about what I want to do!

I don't miss the real him, but I do miss the illusion of what I thought he was and what should have been our future. However, I don't want to live a life of illusions, and I am even happier that he is thousands of miles away so I don't have to worry about bumping into him!

My DD and I have our routines and it is quite peaceful and calm at home now. No more walking on eggshells trying to keep His Majesty from blowing up about something stupid...

I liked being married, at least when I naively thought it was going well before it imploded, but I am not willing to pay that kind of price to have it. I would rather do without.

sweetcrusader posted 9/16/2013 22:43 PM

I miss having help with the kids when things get a little rough. Other than that, not really. I was the one "driving" in our relationship. I generally picked activities, made plans, and took care of the house. I had already started developing myself and my interests about 5 years ago, and we had so little in common that I pursued my interests solo or with other people. We also worked different shifts, so our together time was limited, and I was accustomed to physically being alone.

Honestly, in a lot of ways, the impending D feels like I've been set free. There are just SO MANY things about our relationship that were wrong from the start. So many issues that I didn't realize were hurting me. So many little ways he drove me away. I worry for our children, that splitting their time between two households will damage them... but for myself? No. I'm better off.

dmari posted 9/17/2013 02:45 AM

This is so weird. That so many of us are fine without our WS. I don't think it's that I don't like being married but I don't like being married to stbx (now that I know the "real" him). I think I am still open to marriage in general though. I do like the idea of being committed to one person.

After dealing with the initial pain of betrayal, I can honestly say that my life and my children's life is much more peaceful and authentic. Life is so good.

41andthankful posted 9/17/2013 03:51 AM

Dmari, I totally agree. I think I just didn't enjoy marriage with my WH. I do still believe marriage can be wonderfully fulfilling with the right spouse. Thank you all for responding.

[This message edited by 41andthankful at 3:52 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

homewrecked2011 posted 9/17/2013 04:34 AM

Once my job goes from PT to FT I think I will be able to take a breath. That is the only thing I miss about XWH is the financial security.

THE ONLY THING!

This is really nice - my sons and I do things MY way instead of his way! From getting away for a weekend here and there to just chillin without a farting, crude, dumbass in our midst!

I can finally say, maybe God knew what He was doing!

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 4:35 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

dindy posted 9/17/2013 04:50 AM

I can totally relate to this.

I think I kidded myself that we had a good relationship yet, last year after confronting ex twice about suspecting an affair and him denying it, I made peace with myself about a month before DDay that the truth would come out.

Then in the new year a few weeks before DDay I remember telling people what a great guy ex was. I now know that I was trying to convince myself that he was great and not the pos I know he is now.

I have so much more time and energy now I am now longer with him. I'll admit it's not easy being a single mother with two young children but my energy is focused on us three and not being wasted on him.

Realising this and realising that I was very unhappy with him has helped me heal and see that life really is better off without him in it.

Small steps being taken but in the right direction!

EvenKeel posted 9/17/2013 08:08 AM

I am glad to see all these posts.

When X moved out - I started sleeping great. I almost felt guilty because so many on here are suffering from insomnia, etc. I thought WTH is wrong with me????? Am I cold and heartless???

I realized it is because I am no longer worried about him writing a check for money that is not in the account, I am no longer looking for that 'other she' to fall, etc.

Yes - I am sad that chapter of my book did not end like I had expected....but this is so much better than dealing with all the BS that was going on.

Nature_Girl posted 9/17/2013 08:28 AM

Once my job goes from PT to FT I think I will be able to take a breath. That is the only thing I miss about XWH is the financial security.
THE ONLY THING!

Same here.

womaninflux posted 9/17/2013 08:29 AM

Who likes being married when their spouse is emotionally unavailable and puts all else above the marriage?

lost4now posted 9/17/2013 08:31 AM

I enjoy the fact that my STBXH is gone. I no longer have the worry associated with his affair and behavior. I constantly worried that he was still talking to her, seeing her (which he was!) and his idiotic behavior caused me such rage within. Every single thing about him made me furious. I even couldn't stand how he was brushing his teeth!!!! His presence alone was irritating.

I loved being married. One day, with the right partner, I hope to be happily married again. Currently, I enjoy my alone time when I get it and I use my time wisely to pursue activities that make me happy. I am trying to heal and grow into the woman that I lost several years back when my STBXH began his affair.

I am hopeful for my NB when it comes!!!!

dindy posted 9/17/2013 08:35 AM

I just wanted to add that my life is not that much different now that ex and I are no longer together.

I am still at home all day alone with my children and instead of being sat in another chair to him in the evenings watching tv (he never wanted to sit beside me saying that the sofa was bad for his back, though he would happily sit there if I was sitting somewhere else!), whilst he was on his phone and iPad (messaging OW).

Now I can sit by myself and it makes no difference if the emotional retard is there or not! :)

wildbananas posted 9/17/2013 08:40 AM

I didn't miss marriage one bit when ex-asshat and I split. All I felt was relief.

I always blamed marriage itself. But now, I think it was just him personally. He sure gave it a bad name!

SBB posted 9/18/2013 06:36 AM

I really liked being married. I only just realised that this very moment. It is quite surprising.

Married. I liked being a wife. I liked being a mum in an intact family.

When things were good and I had bent over backwards to give and be everything I thought he wanted I liked being married.

Truth is I only liked the view from the outside. Inside it was pretty awful.

I HATED being in a relationship with him.

I HATED how he coped with stress.

I HATED how much he drank.

I HATED what a simpleton he was.

I HATED who I became around him.

I HATED all of those little things that, individually you can't really leave an M for. Looked at collectively it was textbook emotional abuse. I was the frog boiled slowly.

I doubt I will marry again as I worry I'll revert to the same Stockholm Syndrome thing. But I do hope to be in a relationship where the inside feels as good as the outside looks. And not just because I'm telling myself it is.

Now that would be lovely.

jackfish posted 9/18/2013 11:38 AM

@phoenix
Wow, couldn't have said it better myself! Only substitute Him with Her!
My son and I are humming along fine but I know the dirty deed of divorce will come eventually. Get my ducks in a row first though.

OP, I liked being married, loving someone I trusted and becoming a great all around man and father in the process. I did NOT like being married to the sin-machine she became. So, no one can take away the "good" of my marriage ever. It's those parts that get me welling up and emotional at times. (24 years of US) Not just the good, but also what we weathered together, moments shared (good or not so good).
Marriage is good people, but it truly takes two to become one, and trust one another, forever, to stay that way!
That said, I just cannot see myself EVER being married again. Just don't have it in me.

[This message edited by jackfish at 11:44 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]

LisaP posted 9/18/2013 12:10 PM

I don't miss the real him, but I do miss the illusion of what I thought he was and what should have been our future.

This ^^^

He took such an emotional toll on me that I was not able to recognize it until we were divorced. Once that weight was lifted, I was able to see how much I lost in the marriage. I am now just focusing on me, the kids, school, and the house.

I am enjoying this time...A LOT!

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