But, I feel sort of sad today.
That hasn't happened in a whiile. It could be hormonal or it could be something I heard earlier today. I don't really watch Dr. Phil but a rerun was on while I was getting ready this morning. The subject was all about people who are in love with being in love so they leave relationships to chase that next high. Nothing new around these parts.
Anyway, Dr. Phil was trying to xplain to them what real love means, that it's not that constant butterfly in the stomach feeling. Rather, when you really love someone, you have a true sense of belonging, a sense of purpose and a sense of comfort. Sure, the butterflies come and go with the ebbs and flows of life, but the real staying power comes in knowing its where you belong.
That sort of articulated what I've had a hard time articulating myself. I feel good with my family, my kids, my friends, my job. But, still after almost three years, I feel a bit off kilter and out of place. I liked being part of a couple and I felt safe for most of my M. I felt secure that someone had my back no matter what.
I know now that this was false, but it was still real on my part. It seems like no matter how hard I try or how much I move on, I will never have that sense of comfort and belonging again. It's kind of like I lost a limb. I learn to adapt and live with it, but things won't ever be the same.
Most days I'm okay with it. Today, that made me sad.