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chipmunk41 posted 9/16/2013 23:30 PM

I never thought I would be joining a forum like this, but here I am.

This past Friday my world came crashing down. My h admitted that he has been with someone else.

Our marriage is not the greatest but we just kept on going. We have been married for 20 years, have 2 kids.

This past May, my h decided on visiting his parents out of state. We stayed behind because of school.
He also planned to visit some old High School friends just to catch up.
The week after he came back he asked me out of the blue for a divorce. I couldn't believe it, I mean, our marriage isn't the greatest but a divorce? no way.
He just kept on saying that we should split because we are both unhappy. I asked him flat out if he is seeing someone else. He of course denied it. I believed him.

All through the summer we drifted more and more apart. He didn't really interact with me no more. He was always doing his own little thing.

This past Thursday I was reading a seemingly innocent reply by a female to one of my h posts on one of those social network sites. I don't know what it was but it just made "click". First I brushed it off. Thought maybe I was overreacting,but I couldn't shake that feeling.
So,Friday morning I couldn't hold it in no more and flat out asked him if he is seeing someone else, if he has something going on with "Mary"??? He just looked at me and said " so what if I did"
I got so angry at him and started yelling and screaming. I kept saying over and over, you need to end this..right NOW. On a side note, I was so naive to think that he was just chatting with her online.
As the day went on I found out that " Mary" is one of his High School friends he saw that week in May. Later that night my h spilled the beans and confessed that he spent a night with "Mary" at a motel

What else is there to say...

I called him every single name in the book. I was in complete shock. What did I do to deserve this??? He lied to me all this time, he went behind my back.
All of Friday night seems like a blur to me. I found out that it was "Mary" who asked him to get a divorce, she asked him to move out of state, she kept bugging him over and over to divorce me, she was calling and texting him on a regular basis. And he biggest kicker is... "Mary" is married as well.

I don't know... my h wants to make it right. He called her and ended it, he blocked her #. My h said that it was all a big mistake, he is regretting it... He asked me, if I a willing to work it out, because he is.
Those past 3 days were the most hurtful days in my live. I don't know what to do. I don't want to throw away my marriage, we have kids...

I feel like riding a roller coaster right now. Thanks for listening

RippedSoul posted 9/16/2013 23:39 PM

Ah, Chipmunk! Hugs! So sorry you have been officially inducted into this club.

You don't have to make any decisions right now. All you need to do is breathe, eat, drink, rest, and love your children. After you've mastered that, start reading. Read the Healing Library (see the yellow box in the left-hand corner) first. That'll give you some ideas of how to respond and what the biggest concerns might be.

And be nice to yourself. Don't tell the whole world, but if you have a best friend who is close-mouthed, by all means, share. Don't keep it to yourself. If you don't, then ask us and vent here. That's what we're for. Unlike the people around you in real life, all of us here know, in large measure, what you're going through. Unfortunately.

chipmunk41 posted 9/17/2013 11:01 AM

RippedSoul,

Thank you for your encouraging words...

Today, for some reason it feels worse then it did over the weekend. I guess because today I am home alone for the first time. All I can think of is him and her...

thanks again

confused615 posted 9/17/2013 11:18 AM

Did you tell her husband?

Call him. tell him. Offer a copy of all of your evidence. Don't tell your WH before you do it,or he will warn her. this man has the right to know,just as you do,what has happened in his marriage.

The best way to end the fantasy of the affair..and to prevent it from going underground is to expose it.

This was not a mistake...this was a choice. he chose to do this. Calling it a mistake is minimizing his actions.

So what is he doing to show you he wants to R?

What he should be doing:

He writes a NC(no contact) email to OW telling her to never contact him again,and you send it.

He gets tested for STD's..you too...and you see his results.

He gets himself into IC so he can figure out his "why."

He becomes completely transparent..he gives you full access to all of his accounts,computers,and phone..passwords included.

He is accountable for his time away.

He answers all of your questions without anger or defensiveness,no matter how often you ask. You have been traumatized,..you are trying to process what has happened,and asking questions is one way to do it.

He takes full responsibility for his affair. This is NOT your fault.

He is remorseful..not regretful..remorseful. Remorse is all about you and doing whatever you need to heal you,himself,and the marriage.

He drops all friends who knew of the affair. They are no friends of the marriage.

He apologized to his parents for using his vacation time with them to fuck some whore.

Be kind to yourself. It takes 2-5 years to heal from this..in a healthy way. Don't rugsweep...it highly increases the chances of this happening again.

Oh..and he shuts down his facebook.

Im so sorry this has happened. You will be ok.

ETA: Often a BS only learns the tip of the iceberg on dday,and in the weeks following. Tell him it is critical to the outcome of your R..and your emotional well being..that he tell you everything..NOW. No,"Im trying to protect you,so I can't tell you" bullshit. They keep things to themselves either to protect themselves,OW,or they're still in the affair...but NONE of it is about protecting the BS. The need for protecting us should have happened BEFORE the affair.

I wouldn't be surprised if his little trip to his parents wasn't planned so he could hook up with OW. I highly doubt it "just happened."

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:21 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

ninebark posted 9/17/2013 11:24 AM

^^^^^^^^^^^^this!

Well said

doggiediva posted 9/17/2013 12:32 PM

I don't mean to sound cold, but go see an atty and get a post nup agreement drafted, one that works in your favor should another lying cheating D-day happen..

Make your WH's cooperation in signing this post -nup an absolute condition of R

If your WH balks, then you will know that he wants to live in the M and house with you for some other motivation ( like keeping all of the comforts of home while continuing the A) and not necessarily because he wants to be faithful and rebuild a new and better marriage with you.

Painfuljourney posted 9/18/2013 10:29 AM

A reconciliation is possible. But it's hard. But if his attitude changes it can be done. My WH blamed me for his unhappiness. I got the I love you but not in love with you bs. I remember 4 years ago when he had an affair thinking how disconnected we were, how angry he was towards me and feeling baffled. The reality was he blamed me for his unhappiness. Until he took ownership of his unhappiness which was the day after DD, we couldn't work. He let go all his anger and realized it was him all along. He was a coward and justified his behavior. Now he doesn't do that.

It's a good sign he wants to work it out and is remorseful. I recommend books and more books, The Love Languages book, His Needs Her Needs were totally the best books. How to Help your Spouse Heal from an Affair for starters. MC too and IC.

I had 24 year anniversary the day before DD and knew both of us were unhappy. I really couldn't stand him because of his assholery attitude towards me and the kids. It was 4 years since the affair when I found out. It's only 3 months past DD, it started as a EA and then a one night PA in a motel room. So similar to yours. It's very painful to think of him in a bed with her all night. And her motivation was to take him from me. But he didn't go. She wasn't worth it. So we had something to salvage and I was not about to throw away 24 years of marriage and 2 kids down the toilet.

Our marriage is stronger than ever now, with the exception of the pain I have to go through from his actions. We talk, touch, and are closer than ever and his remorse is clear. He regrets the person he became.

tushnurse posted 9/18/2013 12:58 PM

Welcome to the best club no one ever wanted to join.

You will find tons of support free of judgement from folks that have been there done that.

It may seem right now that your world has ceased to exist as you knew it, and that thing will never be normal again. They will be. Please go back and re-read confused's post. It's the beginning of your to do list to help you navigate this shitstorm. I only have a couple of things to add, they have already probably been said, but I feel are essential to a good R (recovery).

1. Go see a Lawyer right away. He asked for a divorce, but you said no, did you see one then? If not, go as soon as possible. Find out what your rights are, and how this would play out should your H be unable to dislodge his cranium from his rectum. Knowledge will give you strength.

2. KNOW and repeat to yourself often: I had nothing to do with this, I did not cause this. He is broken, and his choices are his own.
You did not cause this, you weren't too thin/fat, you weren't too nice/mean to the kids, you didn't keep the house too clean/dirty, you are not the cause of his unhappiness. HE is responsible for figuring why he is was so unhappy he did this.

3. If you are having trouble with the basic 3, eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated call your Dr. No shame in having a little chemical support through this. Many of us needed it, either anti anxiety, or depression meds. When you call the Dr also schedule your full STD workup (this will include a PAP and blood work).
Don't worry what the Dr's office or Dr will think they see this stuff daily.

4. You sit him down, and you tell him what you specifically need for this relationship to be saved, make it simple, to the point and with consequences. Frequently WS's (wayward spouses) do not give us the whole truth on Dday, and unless you appear to be strong, and ready to follow through they won't be truthful.

Keep posting, keep reading, check out the healing library.

((((and strength))))