I feel like a fog has lifted, and I am seeing what he really did for the first time. I feel stronger, and have more confidence in myself without needing him around. This was always a deal breaker in my eyes, and I think I am starting to realise that it still is. I have told him that after our family vacation in 2 weeks that I want to separate for a while, because I need some time to look after me, and sort my head out. He is convinced that I will never go back to him, and to be honest I don't know if I want to. I don't feel like I can live the rest of my life being married to someone who hurt me in a way that I have never been hurt before, how do I ever fully trust him with my heart again?
Did anyone else go in to 'damage control' after dday? Are these feelings normal and should I give up on R so early on? I am so confused
PS Sorry for the ramble!!
What you are feeling is perfectly normal. I think our first instinct is to do what it takes to keep our family together. But please make sure that you are taking care of yourself. You need to make sure you are getting what you need and that he is doing everything to show you that he is committed to R.
In my case, R wasn't in the cards and it was for the best. We didn't have children and after much IC on my part, I realized that it wasn't a healthy relationship from the get-go.
Only you know what you need and you need to communicate that to your H. You have to be clear. Expect a horrible rollercoaster ride. Just keep the lines of communication open and know that everything you are feeling is perfectly normal.
My new mantra: Argue Your Limitations.
What has your husband done to try to repair the damage? I read everything you did, but what did HE do?
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
Now that I don't have the distraction of summer and am not putting in the same kind of effort to keep everything from falling apart, the whole thing looks different. I feel like I'm having to process it all over again. And it's different this time because it isn't in damage control mode.
This sure is a rollercoaster. I certainly have reached some bad anger stages as time goes on and I keep processing all of this. I don't know anymore where it leads me. I still change my mind moment-to-moment or day-to-day. It's 7 months for me and sometimes I'm not sure if I'm moving forward or backward.
I agree with the advice that communication is the key here. I wish I was better at it, but am working at it slowly. I hope you will do the same.
Like you, we've taken family vacations together, yet at times, I feel like we need a full separation. Although he moved out, we've never really "separated" and spend more time together than when we lived together the last year of his A. I don't know the answer, but will follow your journey and see how you work through it. Sometimes it just helps to know that others are in the exact same boat.
Wishing you strength and peace.
When the WS doesn't leave and wants to work on the marriage it can give a relief from that and allow "you" to be the rejector. It's almost always easier to be the dumper than the dumped.
Infidelity is a lethal blow. That some survive together doesn't change that fact.
[This message edited by uncertainone at 10:19 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)]
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
Unfortunately, I can't offer a lick of wisdom. In fact I just posted in the R forum, looking for feedback from more experienced BSs.
Just wanted to say that you aren't alone.
Maybe you should take a separate vacation just for you, where you can walk the beach and think it all out. Thats what I did; hauled my ass to Port Orford in Oregon [heavenly place] and spent a week pacing the beach debating what had happened and what I should do next. It was so helpful.
One thing I kept in mind, that proved to be the basis for my decision to R, was that my WH did not intend to leave the marriage at any time. Exciting affair granted; but I was still the person he wanted to grow old with. You could say he was being faithful in that way at least, while he was bouncing on the bed with trollop.
I did put a helluva scare into WS before it was all over. He nearly lost everything and was grateful for the second chance he received.
My H is very remorseful, and was devastated that I wanted to separate to give me some 'thinking time'. He has told me that he will never give up on me and trying to make me happy. He has become a very different person since the A, and is doing everything he can to help me heal. He hates the person he had become for the 4 years leading up to the A, which we now know was due to stress and depression.
I will give myself more time to make a decision as I am still in 2 minds. Why couldn't he realise what he was taking for granted without the need for an A to give him that wake up call
Good luck to each and every one of you on your journey, it truly helps to get the perspective of people going through this as well