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Newest Member: scorchedearth (60708)

User Topic: Damage Control
♀ 40301
Member # 40301
Default  Posted: 5:07 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I am 4 months past dday, so this is all very new for me. After Dday I went in to instant damage control. There was HB, loving texts to each other, I was very attentive and allowed him to express how he felt and how sorry he was, all to minimise the damage the A could potentially cause to our little family and our marriage. Don't get me wrong I did lots of crying and displayed my anger (never physically), but I didn't want my marriage to be torn apart. I was the only person supporting him, and I hated seeing him at such a low point. He tried to be supportive but broke down every time he saw me upset so it was hard to show him how I was really feeling.

I feel like a fog has lifted, and I am seeing what he really did for the first time. I feel stronger, and have more confidence in myself without needing him around. This was always a deal breaker in my eyes, and I think I am starting to realise that it still is. I have told him that after our family vacation in 2 weeks that I want to separate for a while, because I need some time to look after me, and sort my head out. He is convinced that I will never go back to him, and to be honest I don't know if I want to. I don't feel like I can live the rest of my life being married to someone who hurt me in a way that I have never been hurt before, how do I ever fully trust him with my heart again?

Did anyone else go in to 'damage control' after dday? Are these feelings normal and should I give up on R so early on? I am so confused

PS Sorry for the ramble!!

BW (me) 34
WH (him) 36
Together 13yrs
Married 8years
4 Beautiful children
DD - 6th May 2013
Status - Trying to R, but fuck it's hard!

Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Australia
♀ 11939
Member # 11939
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did the exact same thing you did. I went into damage control mode. I made sure I had everything the way he liked it. I made sure I acted in a way that I thought might keep him interested in staying with me. We went to MC, but I was the only one putting effort into it.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. I think our first instinct is to do what it takes to keep our family together. But please make sure that you are taking care of yourself. You need to make sure you are getting what you need and that he is doing everything to show you that he is committed to R.

In my case, R wasn't in the cards and it was for the best. We didn't have children and after much IC on my part, I realized that it wasn't a healthy relationship from the get-go.

Only you know what you need and you need to communicate that to your H. You have to be clear. Expect a horrible rollercoaster ride. Just keep the lines of communication open and know that everything you are feeling is perfectly normal.

Married a truly wonderful and loving man Sept. 19, 2010. Not only survived, but thrived.

My new mantra: Argue Your Limitations.‎

Posts: 40994 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Canada by way of Virginia
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's shock. We are in complete shock for several months. Then when that wears off and the trauma sets in? Al hell breaks loose. I went into a major rage phase at that time and felt completely out of control. It wasn't pretty at all.

What has your husband done to try to repair the damage? I read everything you did, but what did HE do?

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ 40161
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are also 4 months past d-day and I am feeling the same way. I think it is partly the moving out of damage control mode and partially the start of school where all of a sudden we are back to schedules and busyness and all that time I was trying to take over the summer to heal myself is now taken over by school work and car pools and sports practices and getting everyone where they need to be when they need to be there with all the stuff they need.

Now that I don't have the distraction of summer and am not putting in the same kind of effort to keep everything from falling apart, the whole thing looks different. I feel like I'm having to process it all over again. And it's different this time because it isn't in damage control mode.

Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
♀ 38988
Member # 38988
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did the exact same thing. I was always dressed nice, sent sexy texts, basically tried to be perfect. I am 8.5 months past dday and I am in the same position as you. In the beginning it was traumatic, I was in shock and denial that HE could do this to our little perfect family. I was a mess and my self esteem was shattered. I was broken inside. Now after months of MC and reading I have realized, what he did had NOTHING to do with me. HE was broken inside. Now I find I am at the same place you are. Can I live with his choices? Can I spend the rest of my life with the one person who was supposed to protect and cherish me, who instead caused me the most hurt and pain? This also was always a deal breaker in my eyes. Everyday brings a new emotion and right now im just taking my marriage one day at a time, with no promises of forever yet. That's all I can do. I too have thought about separating, but honestly I feel like that will be a huge step for us towards divorce. We need to keep our connection if we have any hope of coming out of this stronger. He needs to see and feel the pain he inflicted and help to heal it.

Me: BS 33
Him: WS 36
OW: 40 from Texas
Married 10yrs
3 DD's ages 4, 7, 9
D-day new years eve 2013
2 month PA and EA with OW from Texas


Posts: 40 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
♀ 40144
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, that is it in a nutshell. I was the First Responder, attending to everyone else's needs, while I was hemorrhaging myself. The first book I read was Forgiveness is a Choice and I extracted words of wisdom to pass along to my DD, our parents, sister -- all to help THEM through the fallout. I was in survival mode, fighting to "win back" my WH and put my family back together.

This sure is a rollercoaster. I certainly have reached some bad anger stages as time goes on and I keep processing all of this. I don't know anymore where it leads me. I still change my mind moment-to-moment or day-to-day. It's 7 months for me and sometimes I'm not sure if I'm moving forward or backward.

I agree with the advice that communication is the key here. I wish I was better at it, but am working at it slowly. I hope you will do the same.

Like you, we've taken family vacations together, yet at times, I feel like we need a full separation. Although he moved out, we've never really "separated" and spend more time together than when we lived together the last year of his A. I don't know the answer, but will follow your journey and see how you work through it. Sometimes it just helps to know that others are in the exact same boat.

Wishing you strength and peace.

Me: BS49+ 😝, Him: WH 51
M 23 yrs - DD21 DS19 DS16
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, S for 1 year, now Reconciling

Posts: 1466 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
♀ 28108
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it's damage control much of the time. I think it's a reaction to rejection. It's a biological hard coding to hang on. It used to mean actual survival long long ago.

When the WS doesn't leave and wants to work on the marriage it can give a relief from that and allow "you" to be the rejector. It's almost always easier to be the dumper than the dumped.

Infidelity is a lethal blow. That some survive together doesn't change that fact.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 10:19 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth

Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
♀ 39858
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 9-10 weeks out, and identify with the feeling of damage control initially, followed by a harsh reality blow. This absolutely describes where I'm at right now.

Unfortunately, I can't offer a lick of wisdom. In fact I just posted in the R forum, looking for feedback from more experienced BSs.

Just wanted to say that you aren't alone.

BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 15 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 253 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
♀ 40229
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did the same thing. But even then, I realized I wasn't being genuine to myself.
When he went back to Afghanistan a few weeks after DDay, I finally had time to breathe and think. It wasn't yet a deal breaker. That came later when he refused to give me any of himself for MY healing.
I originally wanted to go to therapy and work things out, but with strong boundaries of what was needed from him, and what behavior was and wasn't acceptable.
He refused. Now he is living with her (I think), but I don't care anymore.
I still cry for the waste of it all. But the tears are healing and regenerative of getting my own soul back. Each day I am leaps and bounds stronger than I was the day before. DD 1 was 25 MAR 13/DD 2 was 5 Jun 13.
I'm done. I love him, but I love me more.
You sound like you are very quickly getting there too. Listen to yourself and watch his actions. Don't listen to his words.
Good luck!

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 4372 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
OK now
♀ 14459
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Given that your WS is very remorseful I would give it a full year before making any separation decisions.

Maybe you should take a separate vacation just for you, where you can walk the beach and think it all out. Thats what I did; hauled my ass to Port Orford in Oregon [heavenly place] and spent a week pacing the beach debating what had happened and what I should do next. It was so helpful.

One thing I kept in mind, that proved to be the basis for my decision to R, was that my WH did not intend to leave the marriage at any time. Exciting affair granted; but I was still the person he wanted to grow old with. You could say he was being faithful in that way at least, while he was bouncing on the bed with trollop.

I did put a helluva scare into WS before it was all over. He nearly lost everything and was grateful for the second chance he received.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
♀ 40301
Member # 40301
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to everyone for their replies, it is nice to know that I am not alone in this horrific journey.

My H is very remorseful, and was devastated that I wanted to separate to give me some 'thinking time'. He has told me that he will never give up on me and trying to make me happy. He has become a very different person since the A, and is doing everything he can to help me heal. He hates the person he had become for the 4 years leading up to the A, which we now know was due to stress and depression.

I will give myself more time to make a decision as I am still in 2 minds. Why couldn't he realise what he was taking for granted without the need for an A to give him that wake up call

Good luck to each and every one of you on your journey, it truly helps to get the perspective of people going through this as well

BW (me) 34
WH (him) 36
Together 13yrs
Married 8years
4 Beautiful children
DD - 6th May 2013
Status - Trying to R, but fuck it's hard!

Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Australia
♀ 40599
Member # 40599
Default  Posted: 5:37 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Struggle, I could have written that post. We are almost 3 months in and I have had thoughts of moving out for thinking time too. I wish I had some pearls of wisdom to share, but I don't. I feel for you and your family. Noone should have to bear this pain. -gg

Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 12

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