I need to understand his thinking processes then and now to be able to come to terms with all this.
I am off today and as I am cleaning, my mind is going a million miles and hour, as usual.
Loyalty, commitment, those words came screaming into my head.
I think we viewed those differently also.
To me, loyalty and commitment meant we are together, married, responsible to a degree for each other.
We have joined our lives and we are both responsible for our emotional and physical well being. Both of us responsible and committed.
I remember his words, in the past, snippets of conversation, "we have history", "loyalty". I believed that was part of his core belief system.
Maybe his definition was different than mine. Understatement.
Even though he was verbally abusive, I chose to stay.
WHY???
Because I committed to him, vowed to be his partner for life and did not qualify it or give it conditions.
I thought about leaving, deeply, considered all angles, including the impact on his life.
I chose to stay, to focus on his positive qualities. The qualities that now don't seem that he actually had.
Ugh!!! Loyalty, commitment. It seems that I attributed qualities to him that he did not possess.
Now, it is so important to me now, to know, to understand his interpretation of commitment, loyalty, love, marriage. Are there conditions? What are they? What does marriage mean to you?
I guess the one issue that I really struggle with is that he left me. No warning. No chance to discuss anything. No apparent remorse, just out the door as soon as I found out about the a. He did not consider me at all, either emotionally or in all of the practical issues.
I was left alone, not earning enough to support myself, dealing with all of the issues that come up with a house, car all of the details of life, suddenly all on my own and not prepared.
Life also seemed to conspire to make it worse.
Hurricane, one week after he left and I was alone in the dark, no phone, shell shocked.
Next week lost for 3 hours in a snowstorm, no one to help me, feeling so alone. The suddenness of it.
Next week car started leaking gas. Had to handle that too.
I did. I was able to get through. The thing that hurts is that he just up and left so suddenly and never even thought of how it was going to affect me. How was I going to live? Did I know how to start the generator, the snow blower? (no)
We had a partnership, he did things and I did things.
He abandoned me, left me to deal on my own without a backwards glance.
I need to know how he thinks now vs. then. How committed is he and what exactly does that mean to him.
I am different now also. I am no longer so dependent on him. I still don't earn enough money to support the house but I can figure that out if I have to. I do know how to start the snowblower now, I do know how to run the generator. I need to know this and more. I need to feel that no matter what happens in the future, I have the strength, knowledge to be ok.