Some big things are going on in my head and I though I would put them down here and see what others thought.
Last week was 1 year since the final truth Dday. We are just starting our second A season in R. We are in such a different place than we were last year, or ever for that matter.
A couple things happened this week which made me stop and think. The First was Saturday I woke up early. After a couple cups of coffee I sat down at Broevil's computer. I haven't done this in probably 6 months.
There was no nagging feeling or anything. It was more of a curiosity, "Hey let me see what she has been up to." Facebook, nothing weird. Email, nothing weird. Internet History, nothing weird. Keylogger....its gone!!! There was a moment of panic, then nothing. No gut wrenching. No paranoia.
We talked about it for a bit. I talked to some people here a bit. There could be any number of reasons it disappeared. Someone asked me if I was going to re-install it and I said NO. I am at peace without that safety net.
The Second one was yesterday. DD13 is back in school. DS3 started preschool. Broevil's IC was at an earlier time. All of those combined gave her 3 hours of free time in the afternoon. She sends me a message that she was going to use her free time to take a nap. Three hours of free time with no contact didn't even cross my mind. I didn't even question it in my head. I was at peace without the safety net of the kids or continuous contact.
What does all this mean???...Trust???...Acceptance???
Very early after Dday I was having a conversation with a friend. He really pissed me off. He said that the reason I was in so much pain over the A was that I had set an expectation of Broevil that she would be faithful, and that expectation was unfulfilled. "WELL OF COURSE I HAD AN EXPECTATION SHE WOULD BE FAITHFUL!!!!"
I think I am coming to an understanding of what he meant. I think he meant that I expected that she "could" be faithful. I didn't have a full understanding of her life experience, FOO, addiction, or patterns of her behavior. My expectations today are much more inline with reality. I think that if she is vigilant with work on herself there is a pretty good chance that she "can" be faithful. I hope she will, But I do not have an expectation that she will. I am being realistic about this.
Without that expectation, I am not setting myself up for the devastation of it happening again. I will be sad. I will be disappointed. But I won't be as crushed as I was this time around.
What I Trust is that I will be OK moving on. What I Accept is that I gave it my best shot.
So..what has changed lately??? The biggest struggle for me has been, "How to protect myself without putting up a defensive wall? How to commit 100% without setting expectations?"
Her faithfulness is between her and her God. It really has nothing to do with me.
For me, It comes down to being in the moment. Enjoying today for all it has to offer. Hoping for a future but not depending on it.
[This message edited by Chicho at 7:08 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)]