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Tough changing behaviors

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mse89 posted 9/17/2013 08:30 AM

I have been working to change my behaviors during reconciliation to correct a lot of unfair historical patterns. My efforts have been fairly successful in being more respectful, less self-centered and kind to her (and to other people around me). There are a few frustrating parts. One is where she misinterprets the intent behind a current behavior, seeing it as the historical bad one being repeated. Another is the difficulty in her seeing the absence of some prior poor behavior (itís so much easier for us to see something happening than to realize itís not happening anymore). And itís the 1 out of 10 times when I make a mistake that is recognized (e.g. unthoughtful, angry, etc.). I realize and accept that Iíve had some incredibly disrespectful behavior over the years. But so much has changed that Iím not sure she sees/appreciates. Do other people have this experience? Any advice that might help?

Deeply Scared posted 9/17/2013 09:09 AM

I've removed the stop sign from your thread, please be more careful in the future.

Thank you.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 9/17/2013 09:12 AM

My advice is keep doing the right thing.

When we first started this process, I felt like I needed my bs to SEE all I was doing, how much I had changed, all the hard work I was putting in.

Eventually I stopped having that need. I came to a point that I was doing the work for myself, and that I would continue doing it regardless of what happened between us.

When I stopped "needing" him to see it, is when he began to notice.

Keep going. Heal for yourself.

LosferWords posted 9/17/2013 09:15 AM

Hi mse - I think the key is time and consistent behavior. And I'm talking about a lot of time and a lot of consistent behavior.

I've had some recent conversations with other members recently about this, and in most cases it usually takes at least a year or two of consistent behavior before being able to get past looking for faults and start looking at the positives.

How far are you out from the last d-day?

ETA: I cross-posted with broevil. I wanted to add that I agree with her advice to heal for yourself as well.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 9:17 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

uncertainone posted 9/17/2013 09:36 AM

Mse your posts are tough. SLH answered your first one and brought up some great points but you didn't like what she said.

You are madhatters. That makes the situation different and it's own brand of dicey. You both have made unhealthy choices.

We often see one partner become the focus and because of their guilt and shame they accept that. That does not make for a healthy marriage or partnership.

You might want to check out the madhatter thread in ICR. There are couples here that are working through this very successfully.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 9:37 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

LosferWords posted 9/17/2013 09:41 AM

You might want to check out the madhatter thread in ICR. There are couples here that are working through this very successfully.

Good suggestion by UO. I'm a madhatter as well, to let you know. I bumped the madhatter ICR thread to the top. There's some good info and support in there.

mse89 posted 9/19/2013 05:48 AM

Thank you for the support about keeping at it. I feel like I'm making the changes for me and that's good for her. I suppose I need to accept that it will take the time and consistency that's needed.

I will take a look at the madhatter thread. It's not that I didn't dislike SLH's opinions...some just didn't seem relevant in my particular situation. It seems difficult to convey all the details.

My apologies for the late response...still having some problems receiving notice emails when replies come in.

[This message edited by mse89 at 6:06 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]

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