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Stop me from breaking NC!!!!

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PhantomLimb posted 9/17/2013 11:14 AM

Got a letter in the mail a couple of days ago billing me for our insurance policies, et al from the same company. They had been on WS's auto payment.

I had tried to separate my portion of the policies from the package back in May, but my only options were to cancel or get joint approval. I figured because his niece's college fund was attached to it and it had been gaining equity for a number of years, that I would just wait until we were either in a civil place to deal with it together or let L take care of it.

I just called the company and he simply stopped paying for them as a way to cancel them out.

I'm furious. I'm the one who was cheated on, yet I was nice enough not to make a unilateral decision for the sake of his niece, etc. But he'll just cancel me out without even speaking to me.

I want to send an email that says "it would have been nice if you had talked to me about the insurance before canceling it". Something like that. But I know I need to NC.

It's not the insurance that I care so much about, anyway. I know it's because I can't believe he is being so cruel and cold and just walking away like this. Why can't I get the hint. He's doing to me what he did to his former fiancée. He cuts and runs.

I just can't believe he's doing this to me. I know we can't R. I don't think we could ever be friends. But we could be civil. Why does he have to do this so it inflicts maximum damage? Why doesn't he have a heart?

I know you guys say I'm doing okay. I know you say that I'm going to get out of this. But some days I just don't know how to live with the knowledge that someone who I loved so much can be so cruel. Can just forget me and not care what he does to me. I don't know how to live with the damage he's caused.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 11:17 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

peridot posted 9/17/2013 11:19 AM

Instead of contacting him, go through your attorney and let the attorney deal with him. I doubt it would do any good to say anything to your XH.

PhantomLimb posted 9/17/2013 11:22 AM

I know, I know. It's not logical. I want to talk to him because I'm hurt and I want him to know I'm hurt. But he doesn't care if I'm hurt.

dmari posted 9/17/2013 11:27 AM

Breaking NC will not get you the response you deserve. Any response or no response from him WILL make you spiral emotionally and set you back.

You ARE doing a wonderful job healing and rebuilding the shambles! Continue to focus on YOUR HEALING!! He is able to do what he did to you because he is an incredible selfish, immature, cowardly POS. You will NEVER understand how he could do this because you are compassionate, authentic, loving woman.

I also had once thought stbx and I could be civil. His actions since the betrayal prove that we can't. And that is ok!

You will have triggers, such as these (insurance company letter), that will cause the pain to feel fresh. Over time, the intensity of the pain will lessen and lessen. Hang in there! You are doing great!

PhantomLimb posted 9/17/2013 11:58 AM

Thanks, dmari. I called my Dad and he told me to just box it up in my mind and realize there's something wrong with this guy. And he says the more STBX does things like this, the easier it will make it for me to just forget about him down the road. Simple advice, but I see his point.

I'm still tearful, but the wave of emotion is passing.


I keep thinking about his poor fiancée. What it must have been like for her to watch him do the same things to her and then almost immediately meet me, settle down. Here I am in the same place a decade later.

It used to bother me to watch him cut her off so cleanly. I wish I had let it serve as a warning.

I know this is terrible, but I wish he would face a consequence for his actions once in his life. How can you keep hurting people like this and just move on? I guess I want him to have to hit bottom the way I have. It stinks to feel so weak and broken and to watch him be strong enough to just cut off our insurance without a word.

StillLivin posted 9/17/2013 13:11 PM

Don't think for one second that he isn't facing a consequence. He is just in denial phase right now.
His consequence is that he no longer has YOU! Yes, you are his consequence. Why do you think he is doing this mind eff crap to you!
You were supposed to continue dealing with his crap, have no boundaries, take his PA crap FOREVER!
How damn dare YOU for realizing your self worth and putting you first for a damn change!
He is getting his. I promise.
Stay no contact until you don't care anymore.
Me, I mind eff my STXH when he tries to pull my strings. LOL, it's hilarious how easy he is to manipulate on the days that I just don't give a F. Somedays I still feel like this can't be happening to me, what happened....but SI has helped a lot.
Read the PA thread in "I can relate" if you haven't already.
Hugs sweetie, lots and lots of hugs and support!

NewMom0220 posted 9/17/2013 13:19 PM

Dealing with this right now. Dealing with the "it would have been nice if you would have told me you were moving into your own place."

I feel like it's none of my business and I have no place to know what choices he is making, but then I think dammit we have a baby together and just because you walked away doesn't mean that I'm not a real person over here...with real feelings...and real emotions.

But I guess if they cared what we thought in the first place they wouldn't have done the effed up crap they did in the first place.

Kudos to you for not breaking contact. I'm all over the map and trying to keep it together today.

HurtsButImOK posted 9/17/2013 13:42 PM

I want to talk to him because I'm hurt and I want him to know I'm hurt. But he doesn't care if I'm hurt.

That is one of the things I had the hardest time dealing with. He pretended for so long that he did care. Many broken NCs later and much self inflicted pain banging my head against the same selfish wall I finally get it - he really doesn't care and he is incapable of feeling my hurt. What helped me was to remember that he had years planning this and a distraction whore on the go.

((PL)) it is okay to feel your pain. Feel what you feel, allow yourself a break from expectations that you need to be strong all the time. It is a rollercoaster so there will be dips from time to time.

More ((hugs))

PhantomLimb posted 9/17/2013 15:40 PM

His consequence is that he no longer has YOU! Yes, you are his consequence. Why do you think he is doing this mind eff crap to you!
You were supposed to continue dealing with his crap, have no boundaries, take his PA crap FOREVER!

I'm going to keep telling myself this. I know we loved each other. I know we were good to each other. He can keep trying to rewrite and try to erase me, but it's all lies.

Over the past three years a lot of things have happened to friends that, as soon as they told me, I predicted the outcome just based on the facts and I was right each time. One friend started up a relationship with a student (of legal age, but still) before she had tenure. I told her that her job would find out and she would lose her teaching license. It went on for about a year... and guess what? They found out, she lost her license. Now she works the 11-7 at a shipping company. All of that schooling and effort down the drain.

Another friend was the OM in a M. We fought constantly. I told him there was no way she was going to leave her H for him. They were JUST married and he was a nice man, had a solid career, good family. OM was still living in a teeny, ratty apartment and only worked part time so he could meditate and keep up with his band. Our fights got so bad that we had to stop talking for a few months. Within a year she had left my friend and was back with her husband and pregnant.

When STBX told me about his A, it was the culmination of a year of him acting erratically. Problems at work (which had NEVER happened before), emotional breakdowns. I had been catching him talking to himself a lot. Drinking too much. I told him the writing was on the wall for him at that job: too many people hated him and the ones who didn't hate him, he was having As with. At some point, it was all going to come out. His A might not be enough alone to get him fired but, just based on the facts, if he didn't get himself out of there and get some help, it looked to me like the beginning of a downward spiral.

I guess when he does something like this insurance thing, it's like he is just forcing me to hate him. He is just pushing me away as hard and fast as he can. But I believe that this isn't going to go well for him... and it's hard for me to completely let go because I still love him too much to watch him crash and burn. I say I want him to face a consequence. Mostly I want him to hit bottom so he finally gets some help.

But then I tell myself, maybe I'm wrong. Evidently I didn't know him so well that I could have seen this coming and so maybe I'm wrong about him. Maybe he's fine. Maybe he's doing great and just making a clean break and moving on. I don't know.

But after typing all of this, I think the lesson for me here is to just worry about myself.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 3:42 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

ladies_first posted 9/17/2013 16:08 PM

I think the lesson for me here is to just worry about myself.

Wisdom, at last!

gypsybird87 posted 9/17/2013 17:19 PM

It stinks to feel so weak and broken and to watch him be strong enough to just cut off our insurance without a word.

PL, you really view that as strong? To me it sounds low and cowardly.

If you want to see what strength is, look in the mirror. I know you feel weak and broken, but you're not. Trust me.

dbellanon posted 9/17/2013 18:42 PM

So wait. Am I understanding this correctly? He wants you to foot the bill for your joint auto policy since he stopped payments?

What the hell, man?

I don't even have any advice or encouraging words. I just have sympathetic rage for you. What a dick!

Phoenix1 posted 9/17/2013 20:25 PM

I totally get the need to want to lash out and get your pound of flesh. I've done it myself. Unfortunately it falls on deaf ears. POS wants ME to be civil, and even though I did for the sole purpose of getting him to sign the D papers that favor me, I have NO desire to be the least bit civil to that lying, backstabbing POS, but I am biding my time to unleash holy hell on him when the right time presents itself. Going off every time he does something to piss me off would not help my legal case, and I KNOW the right time will happen in the future. Bide your time. Eventually you may find you don't care enough at that point anyway...

PhantomLimb posted 9/17/2013 21:35 PM

dbell-- it's a joint insurance, auto with this weird equity building thing that has an attached college fund.

But, basically, yeah.

Talked to my BestF tonight who is a therapist and he says I need to stop being surprised by his "avoidance antics"... and he's right. It's been nothing but avoidance and cruelty since May.


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