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Newest Member: RoreverBlue (61146)

User Topic: Need advice on stepkids
♂ 39429
Member # 39429
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello. It's been awhile since I've been here, but I need some advice. Actually, my wife and I both need some. I'm hoping she will post herself and ask questions I miss.

Our story - in very brief form: She had two ONS while out of town. We've been through IC and MC and we are very much in R. As I've said in past posts, if there was ever a way of doing this "right," my wife has done so. Completely committed, completely in love, deeply remorseful. All of that. But there's an issue.

We were both married before (and ironically we were both cheated on by our former spouses), and both have kids. The kids all like each other (as much as teens like each other that is) and they all refer to each other as brothers and sisters. Her oldest daughter (20) is in college, is very practical and intelligent, and has come through this okay. She and I have a great relationship. We also have two other girls,both seniors in HS, ages 17 & 18. And then two boys, both 16. Everyone knows what happened. Most of them are dealing with it pretty well. Her kids (girl 17 and boy 16) both live with us full time and our relationship is pretty good. My son also lives with us full time and he loves his step-mom and is also dealing with this pretty well, though I know I need to visit with him more.

The issue is my 18 year old daughter, who was living with us until this happened. Now she's back with her mother (in the same town). My daughter's relationship with her step-mom has always been a little tense, but they do love each other. That much is apparent. But now, she's furious and almost hostile at times. All her life I've taught her that loyalty and family are the most important qualities, so I can't be surprised at this reaction. My wife isn't either. We both agree that my wife needs to talk with her. She has done so a little, but only in the immediate aftermath and not much since then. I am not willing to let this tear me in two - where I have a relationship with my wife, and one with my daughter, but not one with both. They both say they want to fix this, so that is a good sign, but we don't know how to go about it.

So . . . suggestions? Anyone have a situation similar to this? I can find research on how to deal with infidelity with your kids, but not with step-kids. Does anyone know of resources we can use. My wife wants to talk with her, wants to fix this, but doesn't know what to say or do. She doesn't want to talk about what she was feeling then, or where our marriage was, as she feels that is something between us and the kids don't need to be included in that. I'm not sure I agree, but it's her call, not mine.

Any help, advice, or suggestions would be greatly, greatly appreciated!

Thanks (and strength) to all of you!

[This message edited by TryingEveryday at 12:29 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

Me - BS - 46
Her - WW - 38 (2 ONS)
Five kids:
DD20, DD18, DD17, DS16, DS16
D Day - Dec 24, 2012 -
R - 20 months and going extremely well.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Montana
♀ 39543
Member # 39543
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would family counseling be an option?

M 1989
3 young adult kids
D-Day 4.13.13
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue

Posts: 107 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
♀ 29341
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would family counseling be an option?

That's all I've got, too. There will be some intense emotions, probably best to have a neutral moderator.

Proud mom to a lovely young lady and a sweet little boy.

Posts: 8398 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Southeast US
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


"If you want to know who your tribe is, speak your truth, then see who sticks around. Those are the people who get a spot in your blanket fort." -Nanea Hoffman

Posts: 55101 | Registered: Sep 2007
♀ 36684
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I'd do counseling too.

FWS me 38 (recovering addict)
BS him 41 AFrayedKnot
Together 10 years
2 children

"Your secrets keep you sick"

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't really have advice for you other than give it time. I'm not a big fan of all that counseling as the perfect solution to everything so I'm not going to suggest it.

As for me, my H and I were both married before and we each had three kids from previous marriages, and we'd both been cheated on before too. While that much is similar, my story changes in that my H is the one who cheated, and his two living DDs knew about it, but my three kids did not.

I believe his own children were more able to forgive him. Not sure how it would have been if it had been me that cheated.

Now as for my kids, they know I divorced their father for his cheating. Even though I feel I have very good reasons for R'ing with my current H, and have no regrets about divorcing their father, I do not expect my children would ever understand why I would stay with their step-father when it appeared he did the same thing, but I D'd their father. Rather than ever trying to explain that to them, I would much rather they didn't know and fortunately, they don't know.

Posts: 6792 | Registered: Apr 2006
tired girl
♀ 28053
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to ask a question first then give you my experience first hand.

Has your W gone to her and apologized and let your daughter say what she needs to say to her?

Both of my parents married four times, so I had many step parents, at some point I stopped considering them step parents and just the people that my parents married. At various times, those people made the mistake of talking bad about one of my parents to me and it would only take once for one of them to do this and from that point on I lost all trust and respect for them. I would literally be a nasty little witch to them or act as if they just didn't exist.

This is the current situation with my father's current wife. She has made this mistake several times, she knows I don't like her, and it makes my father uncomfortable. I have explained to him why. This type of situation where a child's love for their parent is tested by a spouse is not easy. Your daughter loves you, your W hurt you and betrayed you. Your daughter is pissed at her. She needs the space for that to be ok.

Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB

Posts: 7444 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Inside my head
Topic Posts: 7

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