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Sending my lambs off to slaughter

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sleepless34 posted 9/17/2013 11:53 AM

Well, today Mr. Integrity is going to pick up the kids from school and give them "the talk" and tell them about his apartment. I don't know what he is going to say, probably something cowardly about grown ups making mistakes and sometimes they can't live together anymore.

I am fairly certain he won't take responsibilty, and he will end up making them think he made a little "mistake" that made mommy "mad" and now we can't be together. Ummm, isn't that convenient for him to give them the impression that poor daddy wants forgiveness and mean old mommy just won't give it? When the reality is he is the one that wants out of the marriage and he never tried to get me to reconcile after confessing his LTA and a shattering amount of betrayal, lies, deceipt and dishonesty....

He will probably bring them there and show them their bedroom, complete with stuffed animals, and nighties hanging in the closet.
I was totally freaked out when I saw it, thought I was going to throw up, but maybe they will feel better knowing where he lives and that there is a place for them there. I hope they don't flip out, but I also hope they don't really like it too much...

They will still love him, accept him and treat him really nicely to keep him in their lives. And he will perceive that as them being so "resilient" and "adaptable" "see, they are just fine." Their views of love, and marriage and trust of men, however, will have been altered forever. This has huge impact, but he is not willing to accept that.

I took my little one to the Dr. this am before school as she has all kinds of headaches, stomach aches, acid reflux, tired all the time, crys, can't sleep. She is internalizing all this, trying to understand, to cope.

My older one is angry with me, although she knows this is not my choice, she is still taking it out on me.

They already feel they can't be honest with him about their feelings, and they won't give him a hard time I am sure...because they are so afraid they will do something that will make him stop loving them too...

It is so sad. My little one put on her new dress that he bought her. She wants to impress him, wants to keep him loving her, even though with me she is crying and asking why daddy doesn't want to be with our family anymore, and why would he do this to us.

As they got out of the car to go to school, I reminded them that he was picking them up. I also said, you know, if you ever need to call me, or want to come home earlier, just call me, I am here. Because today might go poorly and I don't want them to be scared. The older one says to me (eyerolling and skoffing) "Mom, it is not about you, you know" as in "back off we are going out with Daddy and it is none of your business.

Well, that hurt a little, but I know she is just lashing out at the one she feels most comfortable with- me! He actually said to me that he thinks it will be better for him to have a relationship with the kids without me around, and that he will be a better parent and the kids will do better with us apart....

Hmmmm...what kid in the history of the universe thinks it is great to have their safe, happy, family unit BLOWN UP and split into two separate homes, where Daddy doesn't love Mommy and you can't understand why, and now you have two separate private parent relationships and the family you knew and loved is now GONE?? NO KID EVER WANTS THAT. They get used to it, yes, but they never like it.

Here I am, cleaning up the mess Mr. Integrity made and he gets to walk away scott free, taking no responsibility for how he was changed everyone's reality F**Ker!

sleepless34 posted 9/17/2013 19:36 PM

OMG, freaking out, waiting for them to return...

someone say something nice please!!!

hathnofury posted 9/17/2013 19:40 PM

(((sleepless))) You and your kids deserve so much better. But I can tell you are strong, and as a result your kids are strong too because they take after their mama. I hope you did something nice for yourself tonight, a little "me" time as it were. You can do this!

Phoenix9572 posted 9/17/2013 19:47 PM

It killed me to send my boys off with my whoring STBXH that first weekend we were separated. I have to remind myself that my relationship with my sons will not change and will probably only get stronger. Children are very smart and will see things as they really are with their parents. My boys have already come to me with interesting observations and questions about their dad. I answer them honestly - I have nothing to hide and my STBXH choices are nothing to do with our children but about his selfishness and unwillingness to get help for his problems.
I can't tell you that it will get any easier since I've only had to go through one weekend so far myself but I know in my heart that I am a damn good parent and will do everything in my power to teach my sons right from wrong.

sleepless34 posted 9/17/2013 21:49 PM

Well, I don't know how to feel now.....I am sad and relieved at the same time.

I was expecting something significant to happen, that he was going to give them a talk about his decisions and choices, give them some of the answers they have been looking for...yet I think he punted and said something way more generic and they came home happy.

They mentioned they went to Daddy's apartment. They said it was so cool that there was a room for them there too, and they even wanted to have a sleep over with him, but they wouldn't because tomorrow is Mommy's Bday. OMG. i thought they would be freaked out, and they thought it was cool and had fun.

That is going to make him GLOAT. He is going to think it is all fine, they are fine, they accept this, kids are adaptable, blah blah blah.

I am the one they cry to. I am the one that they trust more, so they take out their anger about the situation on me, complain about their aches and pains, ask me all kinds of questions about why why why.....BUT NO NOT HIM...they are too busy trying to be on their best behavior for him because they feel sorry for him that he isn't in the house with us and HE seems more pathetic and they probably don't want to do anything that might make him stop loving them too without he did to mommy.

It must be so nice to be a douche, who doesn't have to take any responsibility for his actions, his kids will accept whatever scraps he can give and not even blame him as long as they still get his attention....

THis is so UNFAIR! I am so pissed off. I really HATE this man.....

PurpleRose posted 9/17/2013 21:49 PM

First of all, I hope they come back and feel happy about being at their dads house. It will make your time apart a little less traumatic for you next time!

Second I totally understand you. My ex also said stupid shit like "they will be better off!" And "kids are resilient, they will grow from this experience!"

Ahh, uhm... No. Wrong again Dooosh. In my case, it took the kids over a year to adjust to his level of stupidity before their behavior evened out. And at this point in time, because of how dumb he really is, he only child speaking to him is our son. Neither one of his daughters talks to him. One for sure will never speak to him again. The other is also saying the same, but she is not an adult like her sister so I'm not sure where her head and heart will be in a few years.

He has burned a lot of bridges with our kids though. They all know he is a liar, and a cheater, and that he decided to ruin our family by having his whore in his life. That is not something they will ever "get over".

I am a little worried that he iS telling the kids without you there, I have to admit. What was your thinking there?? I'd be more worried at how badly he will screw that up than anything else at the moment.

918Mama posted 9/18/2013 01:20 AM

My oldest was so excited to see daddy's new apartment and to sleep over there.

After he moved in, I let the kids stay for the next two nights. It damn near killed me.

By that third day, everyone was miserable. The kids havent spent the night there again since. They do spend time there of course, and hang out with daddy.

But they get to sleep in their beds at home every night.

Just because something is new, doesn't mean it's better. I kept my cool, cried to my friends and never let my kids see anything but a happy, smiling mom. In turn, they were allowed to have their own experience and make decisions about what felt right for them.

Don't stress about it too much. They're just trying to feel their way through this brave new world too. Just keep loving them and being there for them when they come home. (((hugs!!)))

sleepless34 posted 9/18/2013 09:26 AM

Thank you for your comments and support. I do feel better that they felt comfortable, and that they will be okay when they go there so I won't be worried.

Purple Rose: we had been discussing how/when/what/where to tell the kids with a divorce therapist. I simply was not ready to be able to sit as a "united front" together with him and have the conversation he wanted to have. I can barely look at him without wanting to kill him or cry, it is still wayyyy to traumatic for me. We couldn't agree on the language, the words, when, where etc... and he was the one that kept pushing and pushing despite me telling him that I am still grieving the loss of the marriage and family and need to be left alone, not ready to be amiable, etc...but he couldn't wait because of his own selfish need and guilt...he wants a more formal co-parenting situation instead of just visits and DIsney Dad stuff. I worked with my own IC, and got to the point where I just said, I need to stand in my own truth, and I am not united with you and will not stand in front of our kids and tell them this is a joint decision because it isn't, this was daddy's choice, and not what I wanted, but I will support that choice, and you will still have both of us, we both love you, you don't have to choose...blah blah blah.

The background story is that the morning after he told me of his double life and secret LTA- all the while I thought all was fine, nothing was wrong- he ended up telling the kids about a potential divorce and indicated that he made a "mistake" with another person. So, HE already brought them into it and gave them way too much information. The advice I got was to be honest as possible while still trying to only give them age appropriate information.

I talked about vows, and sometimes when some one breaks those vows you don't know if you can be together anymore. I said this wasn't mommy's decision, and when they ask 500 questions about WHY WHY WHY I just try to listen and say that is something you need to ask Daddy. I know it sucks, but what else can I do...

PurpleBlueBella posted 9/18/2013 10:19 AM

My ex is a real piece of work too.. He makes it out like mommy is so mean why won't you let me work this out, you're giving our kids a broken home you are a pos blah blah blah.

No fucker. You have cheated with not one not two but three COWORKERS. But I'm the bad guy for FINALLY saying enough is enough and I'm done being cheated on and disrespected. I'm the pos for standing up and calling it quits. I am done. :))

Mom4ever posted 9/18/2013 10:42 AM

Even after being told not to talk to the kids about it by lawyers and the judge, stbxh still bashes me and denies, denies, denies everything. He and the OW are just really good friends... My youngest is totally not wanting to talk about it, loves us both, wants to spend time with both, all is well. My middle is angry, feels guilty since they are the one that figured it out and told me, but only lashes out at me because they are scared of him. My oldest is hurt and angry and won't have anything to do with him. I too am the one that gets to try to put them all back together and have as normal a life as possible. And before stbxh left he told me he prayed about it and that God told him the kids would be fine... Not sure who he heard talking to him, but am sure it wasn't God. News flash, our kids aren't fine!!!

ideservebetter45 posted 9/18/2013 11:16 AM

It must be so nice to be a douche, who doesn't have to take any responsibility for his actions, his kids will accept whatever scraps he can give and not even blame him as long as they still get his attention....

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