"Also this is to The Narcissist and The Evil, Dirty-dicked Jackass with no Conscience. I have learned that these men are indeed one guy. YOU!
Was it worth it? When you sit in your empty-ass apartment by yourself before and after work, do you think about the life you used to have? You had a beautiful home that we owned, a FAITHFUL wife who took care of every damn thing without complaint, 3 beautiful kids, a cat, a dog and a picket fence to complete the picture.
I know that question probably never enters that THICK skull of yours. Thinking "was it worth it?" isn't something a 2 year old is likely to do so it's likely quite beyond your capacity of introspection. I know that *if* you ever sit and ponder the sad state of your life right now, you do so in the mindframe of a victim. "Look what SHE did", "Too bad SHE wasn't good enough to change this", "If SHE had just controlled her emotions..."
That promotion you thought you were getting..."delayed" huh? Living like a rich man when you left has you bouncing checks now, huh? The "love" you pursued while destroying your family pretends like you don't exist anymore..hmmm. Your current overseas "girlfriend" happily accepts the hundreds you send her (that you DON'T have to spare) but what are you getting out of it when she lives thousands of miles away? Oh that's right, PLAYED!
No money, no woman (at least offline), no friends, no sex, 12 years of child support, an ex-wife who thinks you are a spawn of Satan...sounds rough. Good thing you are into "positive thinking"! But too bad you think "positive thinking" means ignoring all of the bad you create and not doing a damn thing to make things better.
My kids and I are better off without you. You cold-hearted sack of shit. Although you are pitiful I don't pity you. It hurts me deeply to see people suffer but you my dear get to be the first exception. I see you clearly now. What I thought was a good but confused man is just a man who let out his true nature. Anyone misfortunate enough to get involved with you in the future is in for a hell of a disappointment!
I got the best of you. It wasn't *good* at all, but it was your best. In the beginning you were young, fit, FAITHFUL, motivated, had a very steady and secure career, a full head of hair, and emulated decent people to appear decent yourself. I I thought we were learning together. Apparently I was just learning how to deal with a person who refuses to grow up and thinks they are perfect so they have no reason to change.
Now you're a balding, broke, mess claiming to be in failing health who knows not one thing more than he did at 18 when I met him. An 18 year old who can't cook, clean, take care of himself and plays games all day *sort of* gets a pass. A 30 year old who can't do those things for himself, well that's just sad. Now you have much less money and you're living off the memories of a military career you won't get back. Despite how much you looked forward to getting out, you idolize those days because since then you have done nothing but fuck up your life and our lives trying to recapture that image of yourself.
It's GONE! And now we're GONE. And your miserable ass can't understand why. I take that back..you get it. You just ignore it because anything that feels bad MUST be ignored at ALL COSTS. And man, has it cost your dumbass A FUCKING LOT!
So, I will stand in front of that judge this week and get handed a key to freedom. A big part of me still hopes that you understand what you lost, what you stole from your children and at least man the fuck up enough to acknowledge what you did in some way and grow up. But I know that won't happen. You would rather go down in flames than admit you did something wrong. You have been and always will be a stubborn asshole. But I should have never expected more from a mental-toddler."
Thank God for SI. Last night was a HUGE struggle. I typed and deleted at least 10 texts I desperately wanted to send to Ex's dumbass. I wanted to let him know just how much I loathe him. I wanted to ask him "Was it worth it?" I wanted to let him know that being officially divorced does not make what he did go away the way he seems to think. But I didn't. Instead I wrote a letter to type here. I had to remind myself that you can't appeal to the emotions of a man who has none but anger and self-pity. You can't appeal with logic to an irrational idiot. There is no way to get through to a shell of a person. What is underneath his shell? Nothing but nastiness and not the person I imagined him to be. All things that have been reinforced here.
I thank all of you for being here, sharing your stories and offering support and perspective. I don't know what kind of a hot mess I would be without you guys, friends, family, my IC and the books I've read (many recommended here). I have lived with an ass-backwards narc for 10 years and was unsure of everything as I slowly detached and saw just how fucked up my thinking had become dealing with that lunatic.
No Contact = No new hurts! I really want to get a t-shirt made that says that.
[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 12:33 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]