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I hate this. I miss him. Trying not to hold on.

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NewMom0220 posted 9/17/2013 12:29 PM

He moved out of his sister's house and is living with a friend now. He didn't tell me this. I found out from his mom and she thought I knew. It's taken everything in my power to not confront him about this...but we are separated, and he does have to tell me so I know where he lives and where the baby is going to be when he is with him. But it hurts like hell that he didn't tell me. I guess somewhere in my mind I thought if nothing changed than we weren't moving further and further away from each other.

I texted his mom instead of texting him. His parents had asked me to communicate with them anytime I felt like I was going to blow up like I have in the past. I'm sure that the story they get from him is that I'm the one that is preventing any kind of reconciliation. If I took a minute and looked at it from his perspective, then yes, my anger at his leaving hasn't been a secret. Anytime he and I are in a good place (not screaming) something happens and I've been known to go off. I'm back and forth on the 180 train. I've gone to see attorneys but haven't done anything with any of the information I've been given.

I've been angry, disappointed, let down, mistreated, sad, upset...he is alcoholic, he is a cheater, a liar, he has turned my life upside down. He is a big time conflict avoider. He treats me like I'm the one who cheated on him. But even after all of this, I miss my husband.
I miss my stupid asshole husband. I know I deserve better...but I miss him.

He has some medical problems which make his life expectancy shorter than others. Part of the reason I think he lost his mind is because of some of the stuff he is dealing with (or not dealing with) emotionally as a result of all of this. His health has been declining. I worry about him. There are times I want to be vindictive and move home to my parents to get away from him, but then I think about his relationship with DS and how they might not have that much time together in the long run.

Today I really miss my husband. We've been communicating back and forth in the last couple of days because he isn't doing well physically and hasn't been able to see the baby. He keeps telling me he misses his boy. We've been nice to each other. I'm not telling him that I know he moved. I'm trying not to take it personally. I'm trying to just keep the peace.

What is it going to take for me to actually file? Do any of you look back and wish that YOU would have handled things differently? I know I'm just having an emotional day....but I miss him. I still love him...and I don't want to be with anyone else.

I know I sound pathetic, but today I can't hold it in. I guess it's good I'm bringing it here and not to him. His family thinks that if we just eat dinner together every once in a while it's a start. In one of our exchanges I asked if he could come to dinner one night and it be just the three of us. I told him he didn't have to respond right away. I hate this. I hate that I know better and am allowing myself to daydream as a way to hold on to something that I cannot hold on to.

I know I can't DO anything...and yet...I still play these little tricks on myself like allow myself to believe that this is all going to work out.

Thanks for listening SI friends. It's just one of those days and I don't know what to do.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 12:30 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

HurtsButImOK posted 9/17/2013 13:22 PM

So sorry you are hurting today NewMom0220.


Sometimes we don't progress with divorce because we need time to adjust. When you are ready you will file.

You are not pathetic, you are hurting. Sometimes all we can do is keep breathing and going through the motions. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

It wont always hurt this bad.

For me I had to let the hope die before I could truly start moving forward. It hurt like hell.

More (((hugs)))

NewMom0220 posted 9/17/2013 14:07 PM

I guess I'm at a place where I'm not ready to let the hope die. I wish I was. I need to go back to the things that were helping me through this. Reading my books, talking to my IC, just moving on and moving forward. Once I get my emotional footing I just stop doing these things for myself and go back to keeping hope alive.

When I'm caught up in this swell of emotion I feel like I'm lost at sea. I can't see the shoreline. I can't see the future. I'm just out there in the vast ocean...surrounded by nothingness.

I can't imagine he is happy. He tells me all of the time that he misses his son. It's probably another way for him to take a dig at me. To tell me that he doesn't miss me.

When I feel like this I just want him to come home. I never think about how difficult it is for people in R. I just have this fantasy that all would be well and we could finally be a family. It's never going to happen. I thought I had gotten to the point where I was accepting the reality of the situation, but I guess I haven't really. I guess I thought if we both stood still and nothing changed it would be better than if we pulled away and went our separate ways. He's already gone.

Eyeofthetiger posted 9/17/2013 14:16 PM

I feel the same way!!! I wish there was something I could do or say to change his mind.

I miss our family. I miss spending time with him and talking all night. I really thought he would of come around by now but apparently not.

180 is really helping me though. Try it! Only communicate in regards to pick up drop off time. If for notbing else, it will help you forget him for parts of the day.

(((New mom))) I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone but it is nice to know we have people who know what we are going through.

mixedintherut posted 9/17/2013 14:21 PM

It all comes down to that nasty 4 letter word, "Time".

You are not stupid, you are human, you have feelings. We all do!

You are not the first nor the last person to miss your WH. There's lots of BS who miss their WH.

There is a reason there is such thing as R. Problem is, both parties have to want to R for it to work. Sometimes, those of us who's WS don't want to R, feel like we got cheated. It's as if we had no say so in the A, we have no say so about R, and it affects every aspect of our life. The reality is that if our WS doesn't want to R, our choice, is how we move on in life.

The first time WH left, he stayed gone for 2.5 years. I tried moving on, and lived day to day as best as I could, but the second he was ready to give me a second chance I ran for it. Now, living through another A, believe it or not, I want a third chance and at this point WH wants nothing to do with R. From my experience, the best thing any BS can do for themself is to get in IC. I do believe that had I gone to IC, I would have been over WH, and not in this current position. Not to mention, IC can help you, in your healing and help, even if you end up in R.

Be gentle on yourself, feel your feelings. Keep posting here! As everyone has said, it does get better, it just takes time.

I know this first hand, but when you are in the mist of all of your feelings and everything being so fresh, it is so incredibly hard to believe!

NewMom0220 posted 9/17/2013 14:37 PM

Thanks! I am a wreck today. It's a wonder I've had a highly functional day at work. You are right, both of us need to want to R and he doesn't. If he did, he would.

I'm also surging with all of these thoughts about myself. Here is a man with a shortened life expectancy. He doesn't want to be with me. Doesn't think I did a good enough job taking care of him and that I neglected him. He doesn't want me. Those words are ringing in my ear over and over and over again. I almost feel like he wants me out of the picture and if he could he would raise DS alone.

Yet, here I am wishing I had never kicked him out of the house. Wishing I didn't get obsessed with the OW. Wishing I had stuck with the MC even though he was saying hurtful things to me. At least he was going. At least he was making SOME kind of effort. I just feel like everything is slipping through my fingers and I can't hold on.

The advice I would give someone else on here is to keep detaching...don't show him your weakness....don't give him another opportunity to hurt you more.

Yet all I want to do is grab my husband. Pull him out of this. I don't even know where he lives now!!!! He doesn't want me to know and I my instinct is to grab him and hold on tighter. I'm not doing this...but I want to.

I can't wait to go home tonight and crawl in bed. I'm so upset.

PurpleBlueBella posted 9/17/2013 15:23 PM

I just wanted to say that you are NOT pathetic!!! And I know exactly how you feel. I should hate my husband and at times wish I could. But, alas, I do not. (((Hugs)))

PhantomLimb posted 9/17/2013 15:23 PM


You know I'm right there with you. After I wrote my last public post asking for help not breaking NC after the insurance debacle, I went and cleaned the whole house to burn off my nervous energy. While I was doing it, I remembered that I didn't bother to clean/vacuum when WS came to visit in April (the last time I would see him). I ACTUALLY had the thought: I wonder if I had made the house look really nice, if he would have stayed.

I don't know if you saw, but I broke NC on our anniversary last week. He let me go to voicemail, and then some woman he works with called me to, among other things, tell me he was off somewhere with OW.

I want my H back, too, NewMom. I want my family. I want the future I worked so hard for. Hell, I'd even settle for some evidence he was the guy I loved. It's nearly impossible to deal with the lying, the betrayal, the cruelty, the abandonment... and then, on top of it, there is the nightmare they leave us in where we are alone, frightened and unsure of ourselves. And on top of all of that, we have to wrestle with whether anything we believed about him, our lives, our Ms were real.

No wonder we cry and just want off the ride! No one would choose this.

But I think everyone is right when they say we have to let hope die. Because we're in a losing fight here. Probably because I think it might be a fight against our hope and reality-- which is all in our heads. And the only way to "win" is going to be to walk away from the game.

I say this to you because it's easier to say it to someone else than for me to believe it: we don't want them. They are abusing us when with their silence and their moving without telling us and all of these other sneaky and cowardly things they do. If we were on the outside of this, we'd be rolling our eyes and thinking they were wimps and disgusting. And if they came back, it would feel good for awhile. It would feel nice to have a little bit of control back over our lives. But it would never work, NewMom. We could never look at them the same way again. It would be like putting ourselves back in a cage.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 3:25 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

NewMom0220 posted 9/17/2013 15:57 PM


I wish I could clean my house right now. All I want to do is cry and get in bed but I've been in bed depressed (pretending that I'm not depressed) for the last 3 days. This is even before I even knew he moved. I was talking to an ex via text and I was fantasizing that my WS would want me back. Thinking he would be so upset if he knew I was talking to this ex. I'll have to start another post about that because I feel like I've been using that communication to keep my depression at bay. I'm delusional in that sense.

I'm about to leave work where all I've done besides work is cry in my cube all day. I came on here and posted, talked it out with some coworkers that know what is going on, talked to my mom on the phone...and now I get to go home to my big empty house (well there are two dogs living there too) and wait until the baby gets home around 8:30pm.

Today is one of those days where I just want to die. If it wasn't for this baby I don't know what I would do. And I would HATE IT if I ever heard one of my sisters, friends, or even a fellow SI poster say that. We all know there is no man, especially not a good for nothing man, that is worth feeling like that.

I just know there is absolutely nothing I could or can do and really this is just about the pain. I want the pain and feelings of worthlessness to stop. I feel so a worthless nothing. Why wasn't I good enough? Why didn't he love me? Why did I marry someone who could throw me away so easily?

I know none of this is true, but I'm feeling as low as right after DDay.

I hate Friday nights because I know I'm going to leave work and go to that house and be anchored down with the baby. That's how I feel tonight. I'm just pitiful.

Thanks for listening guys. I will get through this. It just hurts so bad.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 3:58 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

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