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Hi,

Thank you for starting the thread asking what you grieve/mourn in the loss of your relationship after learning of the A.

That got me to thinking and wondering what the waywards who are reconciling with their spouses feel they have lost. I hope you don't mind that I've started this thread, but perhaps it would help to understand that you too miss things that you have lost in your marriage. As a betrayed spouse, I sometimes (well honestly it's fairly often LOL) think WH had a grand old time, it's over now, and it's up to me to get over it. I'm going to ask him what he misses in our marriage that is no longer there because of the affair.

I too think that my WS had a grand old time during his A.

I have no idea if there is anything he misses about our relationship that is now gone because of the A.

My WS is not one for understanding consequences, it's just so much easier to blameshift or spin.

it's over now, and it's up to me to get over it.

I have this very same feeling that he's Happy Hank and I'm the one with issues and have to get over it, although he IS going to IC and we're doing MC this week.

The betrayal is so deep that there IS no getting over it, right now, probably ever.

I might take a page from your book, so to speak, and ask Happy Hank what he misses in our marriage that is no longer there. I was surprised by the "Trickle" of info, so I have a revised DDay. The first DDay was Feb 25, and I was told it was only 8 months long with a skank prostitute and he only had handjobs and blow jobs, but this past week, I found out it was SEVEN YEARS long, and they did everything except the "back end" access.

It might be too soon for Happy Hank to verbalize what he misses--yeah, too soon because I'm still reeling and dealing. On the plus side, I finally stopped vomiting because I was so upset !!

[This message edited by Hope2B at 2:18 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

Its been over 15 years since Dday for me. And Im really not sure what *getting over it* means.

Does a parent ever get over the death of their child? This is similar trauma. And yet no one ever tells the parent to *get over it*.

And what IS *getting over it* anyway? To have the LTA not matter anymore? To have it not color the relationship? To have blind trust again?

I really dont know.

I can get over not seeing a show when it was at the cinema. I can get over my WW forgetting to pick me up after work. I can get over allot of things. But I believe there are some things you never get over. They color your thoughts and decisions for the rest of your life. They are memories that remain painful for the rest of your life. There are events that change the direction your life takes.

At over 15 years I am not *over* WWs LTA. I doubt I ever will be.

But that doesnt mean I cant stay with her. That doesnt mean she wont be in my life. Im just not over what she did and I never will be.