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Financial dependence on WS? Stay at home moms/dads?

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naivewife posted 9/17/2013 15:18 PM

I am really trying hard to "move forward" at this 6 month point. A phrase I often see used by BS's in R, is "I know I will be okay..." This is something I know I need to get to, but I am in a place of financial dependence on WH. WH and I both agree very strongly that being home with our two little boys is very important to us. I do work part time from home, and we do indeed depend on my paycheck as well, but ultimately, WH is the breadwinner. By no means am I married to him for the money! LOL! But I worry that this very crucial aspect of livelihood, especially having a toddler and infant, will make it very difficult, if not impossible, for me to reach that sense of "I will be okay no matter what." I do not have a particular marketable skill. I make decent money in the job I have been in for over 10 years, but the skills are not very transferable if my life were to blow up. So anyway, any thoughts on this? Will I not be able to get to that place of independence by being only a part time employee and SAHM? I hate to compromise this really important part of me, being home with my boys while they're so young, because of WH's infidelity, but I also want to heal, I want to feel like I will be okay no matter what, too.

lieshurt posted 9/17/2013 15:29 PM

I could never be financially dependent on another person. That, in itself, would cause me great anxiety, regardless of other issues in the marriage. At the very least, if I were in your position I would be seeking training or furthering my education to make myself marketable, so I could get a good paying job if it was needed.

faithhopelove23 posted 9/17/2013 15:50 PM

I have to agree...I would spend some time thinking about what marketable skill you can attain while being at home with the kids. Honestly I don't love online college degrees (I am in HR), I do think there are some good ones out there that you might consider.

I know it's hard being a mom and working outside of the home. I was lucky enough to have mom and MIL help along with a flexible employer.

But I would do everything I could to use this time to build a solid base for my own future!

Raven96 posted 9/17/2013 16:07 PM

I am a SAHM and dependent on my WH. I am in the exact boat you are in.

Ultimately it depends on what you can live with. Is your WH remorseful? Is he trying to help you heal? Has he changed his habits/ways in order to show you how much you mean to him? Six months is not too far out from D-Day, (I'm at 5 months) but it is enough to know if WH is truly sorry and trying to make this work or is just going about his happy ways without giving you or your marriage a second thought.

You have a toddler and an infant, but you will NOT be solely responsible for them financially should it not work out for you and your WH. He will have to pay child support. He may have to pay spousal support, depending on where you live.

Lawyers usually have a free consult. Maybe go to a couple and find out what your options are. Take your WH's 2012 W-2 or two paystubs with you so they can calculate about what you can expect per week or month. Add it to what your income is and see what you come up with. Maybe you can supplement it by taking on a couple of children to watch during the daytime (or nighttime) and still be able to keep your children at home.

You have options. You could even take Lieshurt's suggestion and use this time to further your education and marketability. By the time you finish your children may be just about to start or already in preschool, and you'll have that time to work at a higher paying job.

Hang in there. I do know exactly what you mean. I'm still in limbo. I'm afraid to make plans for our future. I'm not sure what else is going to come out of this TT I'm getting right now. I do know that peace of mind is going to be well worth any financial struggle I may have if this doesn't work out.

Don't sell yourself short! I'm a firm believer in "If you set your mind to it, you CAN do it."

Sending lots of hugs your way!!!!

lieshurt posted 9/17/2013 16:10 PM

You have a toddler and an infant, but you will NOT be solely responsible for them financially should it not work out for you and your WH. He will have to pay child support. He may have to pay spousal support, depending on where you live.

Speaking from experience, do not ever count on CS or SS as your source of income. Just take a look at the number of people in the Divorce forum who have to fight tooth and nail monthly to get either and many like me get nothing at all. I was only awarded $300.00 a month in CS, but I haven't seen a dime of it in 9 years. Thank goodness I have a good paying job and don't need CS to make it.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 4:12 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

64fleet posted 9/17/2013 17:03 PM

No way will I ever depend on anyone ever again. I put the youngest in daycare and went back to work. She did fine and I'm okay too.

musiclovingmom posted 9/17/2013 17:14 PM

I think there is a lot to be said for using some of your time at home to take classes and have a marketable skill. The ONLY reason I am comfortable in R as a SAHM is because I have a teaching degree and could support myself and my children should the need arise.

gettingthere2013 posted 9/17/2013 18:13 PM

I am a SAHM to seven kids.Yep. Seven. One is out of the house,but otherwise,I basically run a combination zoo/basketball team We got married young-very young. H finished school,including a graduate degree. I went back to college when number 6 was in kindergarten,but number 7 was born with profound disabilities and I've been solely at home since.

Since DD,we have found a nurse's aide to watch our youngest while I am in class. H has also signed an ironclad post-nup that gives me more of his money than he would have should he cheat on me again. H also deposited a years worth of living expenses in an account in solely my name so if I ever feel the need to simply leave,I have that freedom. All these things have gotten me to the point where I can say I would be okay. This means that when I tell my husband I will leave him if he cheats again(and we have specifically defined what cheating means to us),he,and more importantly,I,know I mean business.

Knowing you can walk out and support yourself and your babies is very freeing. It lets YOU set the boundaries of what you can/will tolerate. It lets you call the shots in your own life. I have been able to slowly let go of the need to control my H's fidelity only because I can control my own life. I know my own economic situation makes me sound like a spoiled brat,but the point is to make a plan for you. Going back or starting school is job #1,I think. I remember the early days of the kids' would be hard for you to work outside the home right now,so focus on the job you have and getting into school. See how your husband feels about giving you sole control over your joint finances,this would give you knowledge if not total access. Ask him to brainstorm with you ways to help you get to a place of financial independence,he may have other ideas unique to your personal situation.

PrincessPeach06 posted 9/17/2013 18:32 PM

I am completely dependent and have 24 college credits to my name but can't finish due to defaulted student loans. I haven't worked in 16 years, yes with 6 kids there would be some sort of CS but we would both actually be screwed due to our financial situation.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 9/17/2013 21:41 PM

i also haven't worked in 15 years. in am financially dependent--i don't really like it.

I wanted to go back (I was a preschool teacher) after baby 3 but with childcare costs and just overall expense of actually working, like clothes/gas/car, it just didn't seem worth H and I originally thought it was just our lifestyle choice that would be best for us...fastforward to now. I do regret not finding a job then...I feel rather stuck now with multiple more kids--2 little ones and the rest school aged. If I was entirely financially dependent I probably would have left him at least temporarily in the beginning.

Its a very difficult position. I really understand.

I aim to one day go back to work, but right now, I feel sort of stuck.

make a long term goal of where you want to be in 5 years and work towards it--by then your kids will be school

jjsr posted 9/17/2013 22:07 PM

Please get some type of schooling or training. I am a lot older then you, worked part time or stayed at home and my biggest regret is that I didn't do something for myself. Yes I wanted to stay home with my kids and raise them and I did but my kids are grown now and what do I have for myself? We are Ring but I wish I had the freedom that comes with being able to support myself so that if this happens again I could just leave. Please reconsider this.

Morhurt posted 9/17/2013 22:25 PM

I'm a SAHM too. It scares me. We are in R (or trying) but I am completely financially dependent on him. I haven't worked for over 15 years and have NO idea what I could do.

Even if I wanted to get a job, now is a bad time. I'm such an emotional wreck that I know I wouldn't last.

It sucks. It all fucking sucks.

Dark Inertia posted 9/17/2013 23:58 PM

I don't think it is a good idea to allow oneself to be financially dependent on anyone... most especially if infidelity is involved. I can understand the idea of wanting to stay home with young children, because I certainly want that... but I don't want to give up my own security. Together my SO and I have a comfortable living. If we went our separate ways we would both be able to make it just fine on our own. I do think that I am an independent person, and I like that about myself.

I have read (on here in particular) where a BS said that his WS described herself as an "independent person" and a free spirit. It made me wonder just how independent one can be when they are financially dependent on someone else.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 12:01 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]

meplusfour posted 9/18/2013 00:32 AM

I struggle with this issue as well. I have been a SAHM for the past eleven years. When I was nearing the end of my maternity leave with my eldest daughter, fWH and I decided that I would remain at home as we believed that it was the best interests of our family that I remain at home. Eleven years later, we have four relatively young children. Prior to being a SAHM, I was a practising lawyer. While I still have my law degree, I am no longer licensed to practise law due to my absence from the workforce. I would need to retake the bar examination and start at the bottom.

Like you, I struggle with the sense of being financially dependent on someone else. My fWH works long hours and in order to ensure that there is balance in our lives, I continue to remain as a SAHM. It helps that my fWH is remorseful and has done several things to restore my sense of security. As signs of good faith, our family home has been transferred into my name alone, along with the stock portfolio. This gives me assets to take care of myself and the children, ensures that we will not be left without a home and gives me funds to fight a legal battle if needed. One of our vehicles was also transferred into my name alone. This establishes a car insurance history. I also have a credit card, bank account and several bills in my name alone which existed prior to my M to fWH. This gives me a long term independent credit history. I also draw a paycheque from my fWH's professional corporation so that I am able to save money. I also file income tax returns under my own name so that I can qualify for a mortgage if necessary. Do you have complete financial access to your family's income, including bank accounts, pay stubs, investment and retirement information, income tax returns, credit card statements, mortgage payout statements and the like? Do you have a budget of how much it costs to run your household (rent/mortgage, utilities, food, gasoline, kids' lessons, school fees, car payments etc.)? Following DDay, I demanded access to this information and made copies of the same so that in the event of being blindesided, I would have the necessary information to immediately launch a child support and spousal support action. Information is power.

Is your fWH willing to move some assets into your name? From your post, you are working and as such, are you filing income taxes? Are you able to same some money? Do you have your own credit history?

I may never need to use the information that I have. But I will never regret taking steps to ensure that I will not be stuck in a situation where I will be unable to take care of my children or be taken advantage of due to finances.

mysticpenguin posted 9/18/2013 06:17 AM

Someone said their student loans are in default.... Have your WH make payments til they're gone, or take one class a semester at a community college and use a payment plan..... Probably won't be more than a couple hundred bucks a year!

Some vocations like CNA, HHA, medical assistant, etc offer evening or weekend classes. A lot of state colleges now offer online or evening classes/degrees. Just stay away from the for-pr

I mean, what happens if your WH fathers an OC, God forbid, and has to start paying CS? You have to take care of yourself first. Even if you don't really take home much because you have to pay childcare etc -- the resume experience and connections and references will serve you for a lifetime, you know?

(((((Hugs))))) to everyone here

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 5:47 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]

Raven96 posted 9/18/2013 07:06 AM

Lieshurt is absolutely right in that there are people out there that don't give a crap about being financially responsible for their children. I was going on your sentence that you both agree very strongly that being home is important. Sounds like he "gets it" and wouldn't leave you in the dust. I was just telling you to get an idea of what to expect should it not work out, but definitely don't count on it.

It will be hard, but you can further your education right now so that you are more marketable (and financially independent) later. An added bonus is that it will distract you from this situation a bit while you concentrate on your studies.

WIshing you peace in whatever you decide!!!

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