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Revenge Affair or Moving on during Separation?

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NewMom0220 posted 9/17/2013 16:15 PM

My exboyfriend has been waiting in the wings since before I got married. He would often email me (at least 3-4 times a year) to say happy birthday, how are you, I hope you are smiling...etc. He was a shitty boyfriend and he didn't appreciate me when he had me, but we had a lot of chemistry and were very sexually compatible.

When he would run into mutual friends or my family back home he would come right out and say that I was the one who got away. This always got back to me and I was always honest with my WS. Always told him that I received an email or facebook message, etc. My WS always said he would kill him if he saw him. Even after I got pregnant, he sent me a congratulatory email and told me how beautiful and wonderful I was and what a good mother I would be. I always found his devotion to be a little creepy, but I was honest with my husband, so I thought it was all harmless.

Well not 2 weeks after DDay I got a congrats email from my ex on the birth of my son. He said he never thought of having kids but had he ever had one he wished it could be with me. He said I hope you are smiling beautiful. Still creepy, but I was in a dark place. Less than 2 weeks after DDay and before I kicked my WS out of the house. I replied to his email and said that I wasn't smiling and that I was happy to hear from him and if we ever ran into each other we should get a drink.

Well over the last few months we went from facebook messaging every so often to texting. I always kept it light.. a little flirty... but light.

Every time I've gone home to visit family someone posts something on FB and he always says when are we going to get that drink?

In the last month or so the texts have been more frequent...and less about the drink than other things...things have just gotten more and more inappropriate. To the point where he has offered to get a hotel room and come visit me.

I know that even though I have a history with this person (we dated for 5 years and were almost engaged), I am not interested in this man. He is nothing more than a distraction. He makes me feel good about myself when he talks to me. He puts me up on a pedestal and in contrast to the way that WS treats me, I can do no wrong.

I have been honest with him and told him that I'm not exactly free right now. I have read so many things on Revenge Affairs on this site, that I've told him on a few separate occasions that I didn't feel good about our communications. He always backs off but then something happens and we end up communicating again.

I'm sure some of you would label this an RA just by the texting and what not, and you are probably right, but I really have no feelings for this person. I almost feel like this is a game I'm playing...but now it's getting dangerous.

So I obviously don't want WS to know. I think a part of me would get some mild satisfaction, but I really, really don't want him to know. I feel like a hypocrite (because I am).

Here I am, the mother of a baby that isn't even a year old, and I have this man calling me and whispering sweet nothings in my ear. It makes me feel good in the moment but ultimately he isn't the one I want to be with.

I have friends saying, do it, do live alone, you've given your WS so many chances..go for it. But something inside of me feels loyal to my WS and to our M, even though there is no M left.

I have dignity, self respect, and my self esteem might be on the floor right now, but I have that nagging feeling that this isn't the right thing to do.

When I'm alone at night feeling sad and lonely, it feels like the right thing. I can't pretend I'm not curious as how a night of passion where I'm being adored would make me feel.

But on the other hand all of this clandestine interaction and talk of secret meetings and hotel rooms makes me think of WS and his A. I keep thinking, now I can see how he got caught up into his A....but it isn't the same thing. Not even close.

ETA: I do realize I have two posts going on at the same time (one saying I miss my WS and one talking about this situation) but that's where my effed up head is at right now.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 4:17 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

Catwoman posted 9/17/2013 16:39 PM

Couple things:

One, neither of you have boundaries. You cannot do anything about his lack thereof, but you can certainly do something about yours. Stop the communication. Now. For good.

Two, you are using this person and his attentiveness as your own personal bottle of anesthesia against the pain of your life. Every time things get rough or you are down . . . guess where you go to get a hit. Because of your shared history, you know just how to bait that hook and where to dangle it. Right ?

Three, stop making excuses. You know what you are doing is wrong and that it impacts other people and that it is indicative of bad boundaries and poor choices. Stop excusing it and own it.

Sure, there are those who would say that your marriage is over and you should move on and here is a decent opportunity. But your angst in this regard is a clear indicator that you wouldn't rest easily with this course of action. And, depending on your state, your STBX could make this an issue during your proceedings. Not a pretty picture.

I, like many of us here, dated after separation. With few exceptions, it wasn't the best of choices, had I had it to do over again, I would have waited a lot longer. Sure, I had the talk with the ex and things were deader than a door ail with no hope of reconciliation. But still . . I was bringing all of my injuries into something that really didn't concern another party. I also noticed that as I healed, his brokenness (and there was a lot of it) was pretty unattractive.

So, my recommendation is to find a social outlet that is not 1:1 dating related (hobby group, card group, whatever) and build up your single life in a healthy, positive way.

Focus and invest in you--it is the one investment that will pay off.


uncertainone posted 9/17/2013 17:26 PM

but it isn't the same thing. Not even close.

Riiiiiigggggghhhhhhhttttttt. Because it's you making the choices AND crafting the justifications for those choices. "We're" very good at seeing our situation as different. Even when it isn't. At all.

I wouldn't label this an RA at all. Garden variety affair.

So I obviously don't want WS to know

Obviously. Welcome to wayward. Get your shovel...and a mop.

thenon-goddess posted 9/17/2013 17:33 PM

If you're separated, it's not a revenge A. If you and your WH are moving towards divorce and this has already been decided and separation is in place, the term RA does not really apply. Now if you were in limbo or working towards R, it would be a different story.

That said, I think what you are doing is going to get "messy" and if you really don't have any interest in him, it's probably good to be up front about that. The last thing you need to deal with on top of divorce and a new baby is a stalker ex boyfriend. Jmo

Daddo posted 9/17/2013 17:33 PM

Affairs of any type are fraught with danger - it is so easy for someone to get hurt. I wouldn't sleep with anyone I didn't think at least had a chance of turning into a real relationship. If you you know full well that he is the wrong guy, keep away. Someone will get hurt. It's not worth it.

That said, there are other fish in the sea....

gma56 posted 9/17/2013 18:31 PM

This sounds like an exit affair.
It's not fair the the OM or any man to use him as a bandaid because you are lonely and hurt.

h0peless posted 9/17/2013 18:42 PM

To add to what everybody else is saying, you already know this guy is a piece of shit. A guy who fishes for a married woman is quite obviously a piece of shit. Why do you want to roll around in the septic tank with him?

carnelian posted 9/17/2013 19:17 PM

I would say that if he didn't respect your relationship in the past, and he doesn't respect your relationship with someone else now, why would he magically respect your relationship in the future?

Dodge this bullet!

NewMom0220 posted 9/18/2013 08:45 AM

You are all correct. I reread my post and I keep saying that I know it isn't right. It doesn't feel right. It doesn't even make me feel good most of the time. I don't know if I should tell him to stop contacting me or if I should just drop off the face of the earth.

It's fun living in la la land, but it's not real life. Many of you have said it's like anesthesia, or a band-aid, and you are right.

I'm also someone's mom now and I feel like that should be my only focus right now anyway. Or at least until my WS and I have filed.

ninebark posted 9/18/2013 11:11 AM

I'm also someone's mom now and I feel like that should be my only focus right now anyway. Or at least until my WS and I have filed

You are half right. You are someone's mom and they should be your focus. Not just until you and your WS have filed...all the time.

Keep in mind that all your actions have the potential to affect your child. You have to ask yourself, is this the type of man I want around my child? Take the whole dating thing slow, it is easy to rush into stuff when you need some validation and affection. Wait until you have spent some time healing

NewMom0220 posted 9/18/2013 11:28 AM

You are half right. You are someone's mom and they should be your focus. Not just until you and your WS have filed...all the time.

This is what I meant. I guess I just wrote it wrong. My child IS my first priority and I've been doing everything on my own since he was born. I just meant that I shouldn't be concerned with dating until I get to that place.

Thefly559 posted 9/18/2013 11:44 AM

You had no business talking to him at all through your marraige. In my opinion whether you told your husband or not . Especially if you knew it bothered him. Now you want to sleep with him for revenge ? Hmmmm sounds like you wanted to do that even if you were still married. But on the other hand I know what it feels like to be betrayed so I say do it. But don't pretend this is the first time you thought of it. Two wrongs don't make a right ! It sounds like morally it bothers you a little , that is normal but you are also sliding down that slope . That guy is saying all the right things because you are hurt and vulnerable and he obviously fucked up his relationships and has regrets. But more important he is not married to you, he does not have kids with you or any other stresses of married life . Grass is greener. I had opportunities myself. I chose not to till I am divorced. Also because I am still in love with my stbxww. But that is me ! Trust me I know exactly how you feel Exactly. What ever you choose make sure it isn't just a temporary fix like drinking or violence. That is my opinion. Don't think you wanted it but I am sorry . And I do understand. Good luck. All the best.

NewMom0220 posted 9/18/2013 12:29 PM

You had no business talking to him at all through your marraige. In my opinion whether you told your husband or not . Especially if you knew it bothered him. Now you want to sleep with him for revenge ? Hmmmm sounds like you wanted to do that even if you were still married.

I respect your opinon but it's not true. I didn't want to while I was married. I don't even think I want to now. I think I'm just in a really, really, really vulnerable place. It feels wrong so I know it's wrong. That's why I posted on here...because I know I'm just reaching for something to make me feel better.

I'm glad you understand and know what it feels like to be so hurt you just want to do something to make it go away. I too love my STBXH....very much. Too much. He didn't love me the same way or enough to stay and try and work it out..but I hear you. I just need to step back and leave this alone because I'm doing it for all the wrong reasons.

Undefinabl3 posted 9/18/2013 12:37 PM

Never start thinking about a new relationship until you have gotten over this one. It brings baggage to the new one that shouldn't have been brought.

Personally, this Ex is creepy, why would anyone just wait for you to be single again. If he truely had your best interests in mind, then he would be supportive WITHOUT getting a room and offering to stay. And if he was willing to wait that long, then when you tell him to wait longer and go away right now, he will. If not, then he's just creepy and you dont want that stalker controling type in your life anyway.

Obviously. Welcome to wayward. Get your shovel...and a mop.

Seperations do not negate affairs. Unless there was specific talk about seeing others while seperated OR there was a decision made to divorce and the paper work is in process....this is an EA.

Thefly559 posted 9/18/2013 12:51 PM

I am not sure of the truth in saying that if you are separated then you can cheat? I am not talking morally but more legally. I live in a no fault state so my lawyer says it does not matter! My stbxww told me even before I got served the papers that we are not married because she filed and that she is on match . Com and dating several men so I can't stay in my home. For some reason her lawyer told her that technically she is not married. My lawyer said let her dig her own grave. But is it cheating ? Because right now my stbxww has a boyfriend that is full time . She still hides him from me and denies and only brings him around her immediate family and friends. But she was caught so many times. Don't know who to believe but I do know I am a better person and always was. And I also loved her much more than she ever loved me. But that seems to be the case for all!

thenon-goddess posted 9/18/2013 12:54 PM

Seperations do not negate affairs. Unless there was specific talk about seeing others while seperated OR there was a decision made to divorce and the paper work is in process....this is an EA.

I disagree with this. Your husband had an A. You are separated now. The "contract" has been broken. You don't owe you WH (STBXWH) a complimentary, "hey, I'm gonna move on like you did" notification. IF you guys were working towards R, it would be a different issue. If he has a problem with you moving on, then perhaps he shouldn't have been screwing someone else.

My WH and I are separated. There is no transparency anymore (he has his own phone account now, passwords have been changed, etc.) and he no longer resides at home. For insurance reasons, we're not divorcing yet. There has been no discussion about me dating anyone else and there won't be. He wants to have his separate life, fine, but he has no right to think that he gets to do his thing while I sit here and do nothing because a piece of paper binds us. That's pretty narcissistic thinking right there. The piece of paper is the legality of a marriage, but the commitment is the real marriage itself. Once the commitment has been terminated, the actual heart of the M is over. It's not like you're duping him into thinking you're wanting R, while secretly plotting (I assume?).

[This message edited by thenon-goddess at 12:59 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]

Secrets Kept posted 9/27/2013 08:44 AM

I totally agree with non-goddess. Couldn't have said it better.

ThisHell posted 9/27/2013 09:40 AM

I have to say I completely agree as well. I tried to R for 14 months with Stbxh, that after being lied to about NC and made to feel crazy for six months. In NC the law requires one year separation before filing. It took me that 14 months of working on myself to really be done and tell him to leave. I would never have done that to my children if I was not "done"... in my opinion, and I know this may not be everyone's, in the eyes of god he divorced me when he laid with another woman. That is what the bible says. He has remained in contact with that woman this whole year, and when he left I was in a much healthier stronger place because I took two years to work on me. I have a separation agreement in place, there was absolutely no reconciliation on the table and have filed incorporating the agreement into the D, so I am simply waiting for the 30 days to run up before the judge can sign and its official. Some states say you can D immediately, others 3 months, others 2 years...I don't feel God is judging me because my particular state says one year. I feel when he chose to cheat, our marriage covenant was broken in the eyes of god.
I don't believe in revenge A's, nor do I believe in getting involved if you are doing it for the wrong reasons. But I do feel if your ducks are in a row, you are absolutely not R'ing, then once you feel you've done the healing on your own self and aren't using a new person as a crutch, then moving on is just fine.

chikastuff posted 9/27/2013 11:44 AM

Timing aside, this dude is trouble.

My "creep" detector is screaming right now. Don't go there. Just don't do it. You're better than that.

There's a reason this man is an ex, there's a reason why you didn't get engaged, there's a reason why he continued to sniff around when you were married, pregnant, etc. You're not the "one that got away", you're the one he decided to stalk after you walked away.

NewMom0220 posted 9/27/2013 12:02 PM

It's funny what a different place you can be in just a week or two later. I posted this a week and a half ago. I severed ties with this person and recognized that I am in such a world of hurt that I was just reaching out to ANYTHING to help me feel better.

I've gone NC with my WS too and I think that has helped me stabilize to a place where I'm not walking around hurting or in pain.

Thank you all for the advice. I've been on this site too long that I usually know the answers before I post. I'm really beginning to accept that my new life is one of a single mom. I'm not the single girl I was when I met my WS. I'm focusing on myself and my baby and trying to move on in healthier ways.

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