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FR2012 posted 9/17/2013 17:08 PM

Lately I have been dealing with a lot shit with my family. My mother has always been very distant to me. I have always felt like I was the unwanted child. I was always compared to my sister and was expected to be like her. So growing up, I tried to be like her so that I could get attention from my mother.

My mom never cared about anything about me. Never encouraged me. Never cared about my education. Never wanted me to do anything except be a doormat. So all throughout school, I did what I was supposed to do. Went to school, came home and did nothing. I did whatever I was told to do.

I remember I was apparently going to turn out like my brother who is a complete fuck up in life. He has been in and out of jail, can't keep a place to live and is constantly moving back in with my mom. And now I just found out that he is going to be a father with a chick he met not even 3 months ago.

Anyway, I could go on and on about my childhood but I don't want to bore you so I will cut to the chase about my issues.

My sister runs a daycare out of her house and my mom helps her out. More so when school is in so that she can take the big kids to school without having to bring the little babies.

Well Thursday around noon I get a text from my sister saying that she needs to talk to me before my mom gets back. I was hesitant at first to call her because I didn't really want to hear it. But I ended up calling her and talking to her for over an hour. She was telling me about how she is ready to cut my mom out of her life because of my brother (who is currently living with my mom again). Anyway, we talked and I told her to let me know if anything happens and if she comes back because my mom stormed out of my sisters house after a small altercation. Something about her dog. So I guess my mom ended up coming back and was really upset, crying, yelling and all that jazz. So Friday comes along and my mom shows up in the morning and was acting like nothing happened to previous day.

Friday night rolls around and my mom calls my sister and says that she has disturbing news. My sister calls her back and when she got through, she found out this apparent disturbing news. That my brother is going to be a father.

That is just some stuff going on with my family.

Now what is going on with me. The first week of September when kids went back to school, our daughter started SK and was going to a new school and taking the bus too. Plus she was going to be in full day instead of half days.

My mom called on that Sunday after a whole week had gone by of school. She called to see how our daughter was doing at her new school and everything. When I talked to my mom that day, I asked her if we could go out and talk before I go back to work next week. She said sure but she had to work some stuff out with her car insurance first. I said okay, let me know and we can go out and talk. So far it has been a whole week and I haven't heard from her at all. This is a common occurrence with her. No contact for a while.

I actually went 5 years without talking to her at all. I tried contacting her with cards, letters, phone calls, messages, you name it, I tried. But nothing from her. Those years screwed with me. I thought I did something wrong for her not wanting to talk to me. Last Christmas we had a family thing at my sisters house and after that I didn't hear from my mom for about 2 months. I keep telling her to call more often and she always says she will but doesn't.

I am really getting to the point that I can't take any more of this shit from her. Emotionally, I just can't deal with it anymore. I can't deal with her coming and going all the time. So I am really trying to decide what I want to do. If I want to stop talking to her or not.

She is toxic to my healing and is a negative influence on my life. Whenever I talk to her anymore it is always about my brother and how he is horrible and she is breaking down and can't deal with him anymore. Honestly, I don't really care about him and don't want to spend hours talking about him and what he does. And I really don't want my kids getting too attached to her and then her not be there. I don't want my kids getting hurt like that.

Sorry about the rambling and random thoughts that are all over the place. My brain is all over the place right now.

Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

authenticnow posted 9/17/2013 17:17 PM

I got to the point with my sister that I told her that I was sick of her coming in and out of my life and that this was not how family relationships work when people love each other. I was annoyed but dealing with it, but when my DD said something and I saw how hurt she was, I let my sister have it.

This after telling my sister a few years ago what I need in our relationship. She cried and apologized and nothing changed. I tried to go with the idea (from my IC) that I can't change her, this is how she is, it is my choice how I deal with it. So, I tried to love her unconditionally and accept her crappy treatment, but the resentment was building up and I didn't feel like I was being true to myself. So, I told her and now we don't speak.

It sounds like your mother is someone you don't need in your life. She is toxic and doesn't bring anything positive to your life. But, some people may disagree. That's a personal choice.

uncertainone posted 9/17/2013 17:17 PM

She is toxic to my healing and is a negative influence on my life

That's all you need to know. FR2012, we all should have a childhood that's safe and healthy. Many of us don't. We do have a brain, though. We can look at things and make choices that can keep us safe.

Sharing blood lines do not entitle one to anything. Hell, look at the entire middle age royal history. Sometimes sharing a blood line meant a death sentence or a long residency in The Tower.

Cut her out. Keep her from further hurting you. A good thing to know is that she has no power despite her mistreatment and abuse of you. She doesn't decide your future or even your present.

Myths came about from real threats and also have some very big truths woven in all the imagery. The vampire myth, great example. For most cultures a part of that myth was you had to invite them in or they could not enter, regardless of how powerful and deadly they were. They were limited by "you" and could do nothing unless you sent the invite.

I'd say "they" had a good grasp of psychology before it was even a thang. Don't invite her in. She doesn't belong there.

(((FR2012)))

nealos posted 9/17/2013 22:17 PM

I'm so sorry. I wish you could have a consistent and reliable person as a mother-- someone who knows how to love her daughter and herself. But it seems she is not that person. I would encourage you to think about what it means to have a boundary with your mother that is healthy for you. How much involvement in your life can can she have without causing you pain? Maybe it's time to cut her off altogether. Maybe it's not. Boundaries are difficult things... you have to take things into your own hands and be the better, healthier person. And what's worse is that there may be no "right" answer-- no hollywood ending-- establishing boundaries with her and NOT establishing boundaries with her could both be immediately painful. In the long-term, do you know what the right thing to do is?

Seek help from here (which you're obviously doing), seek help from your friends and family you trust. Good luck.

FR2012 posted 9/20/2013 11:14 AM

autenticnow:

I actually was in a similar place with my sister as well. But as the years have gone on and we have talked to each other about our lingering problems, we have worked it out and we are in a pretty good place in our relationship right now.

Just because I was getting sick of how things were between us and how inconsistant she was. I didn't want to deal with it anymore, I couldn't deal with it anymore. So I told her that we either need to fix things between us or that's it.

Here it is Friday and she still hasn't called or talked to me in almost 2 weeks. I go back to work next week and am not going to have time to talk to her like I want to. The time I have off right now I want to spend with my family.

She has always been toxic to me. I just never wanted to realize or accept it. Ever since my A, I have really taken time to think about things and realize what is going on in my life. I am realizing that there are certain people that don't need to be a part of my life if they don't want to accept things how they are. My mom has always been like that. Not wanting to accept how things are with me. I was never allowed to grow up and be my own person.

When VD and I started dating almost 10 years ago, my family didn't want us together. My mom though, seemed like she never wanted me to be happy with life. Like I was always supposed to be home and available whenever they wanted me to be. When I was in high school, I never went out, I never went to parties, I never went to the movies with friends, school functions were out, I was always the good one. I didn't do drugs, didn't drink, wasn't permiscuous or anything. I don't even know where the problems stemed from.

Anyway, I am rambling now. Thank you so much for your input. It really gives me a lot to think about with my future and the future of my family.

uncertainone:

I guess cutting my mom out of my life, in a way makes me feel bad. I really can't deal with the emotional bullshit I am going through because of her though. I feel bad because I have been trying to reconcile with her and fix things. She always just wants to brush things off like they never happened. It is really hard to talk to her because she is very manipulative. And I feel bad if I stop talking to her that she won't see her 2 grandkids (not like she really cares about them anyway).

One thing that has been really hindering me wanting to continue talking to her started at the end of August. Our daughter turned 5 and my mom didn't even acknowledge her birthday. She ended up calling late the night of her birthday when our daughter was already in bed. Said she would call the next day and talk to our daughter then, never ended up calling. And I saw my mom 2 days before.

That is what is really getting to me lately. She sees my sisters kids 5 days a week. I don't remember the last time she saw my kids. Being a grandparent, you shouldn't forget birthdays.

Sorry for the rant.

Thank you though UO for the thoughts. I think I have made a decisions as much as it is killing me.

nealos:

I wish I could have a reliable mother as well. I don't have my father in my life either. When my parents got divorced when I was 5, we didn't see him very much and he died back in 2011.

Maybe it's time to cut her off altogether.

This is were I am leaning and have been for a while.

I am trying so hard to get healthy and heal from everything. With her not being around and her not being consistant with anything involving me, I can't do that. She is hindering my healing because I am so concerned with hurting her if I stop talking to her. But why am I so concerned with her feelings if she isn't remotely concerned with mine?

do you know what the right thing to do is?

Yes, and with the help of everyone here and especially my husband I think I have figured it out.

Thank you everyone who responded. It means a lot.