I have had some really emotionally down days the past few days. I guess I am still feeling the qweeziness from the roller coaster ride I have been through for the past month.
We were separated for about 3 weeks. Once he seen I was getting stronger and wanted nothing from him (except what he promised to do around the house...it's his mother's home technically so I refuse to cut the large lawn with a broken lawnmower). He wanted back and was really remorseful and empathetic since the confession. I believed him and said ok.
During this week, I had gone to the dr's to see if I was std free. Well I had told her of some symptoms that I was experiencing and she wanted to treat me for a bacteria, which I could only get from him. Of course this was a huge argument, he didn't do anything but a bj and it was impossible I got it from him. (come to find out there was no bacteria in the first place...thank you gyno!) A few days later when his check didn't add up to the hours he was gone, I questioned him. Come to find out he was asked to go home one day and never came home, only to lead me to believe he was working...A LIE...he had lied for 3 years straight. Well needless to say, I went crazy...never went this crazy before...ending with a half door being broken and screamed at him like I have never done before.
I screwed up the last opportunity for us to ever reconcile. That's all I ever truly wanted. Just feeling really down and the tears can't stop flowing.
I am getting sick and tired of hearing I am a strong person when I am nothing but weak. I guess I should take up acting, because I am so good at it. I feel like I just made 20 steps back from where I was just 2 weeks ago...moving on.
I am having a very hard time even being in the home and financially I have no where else to go. Everywhere I look, I just see my failed marriage and the pain. I am having a hard time studying (full time student atm) and I can't stop dwelling on it.
My son moved out basically the same time he did and my daughter who is 18, just doesn't want to spend time with me. All my close friends are not close at all and I don't really have a support system, besides reading on SI.
Just feeling very alone in a house that used be filled with happiness and people.