I asked for everything except the blow-by-blow of the sex, and I could not have committed to R without doing so.
First, I thought knowledge would lead to understanding. It didn't. I do understand intellectually, but in my gut, I still just can't fathom why she did it.
Second, as my W answered Q after Q, I realized she was being honest. The same and similar Qs got the same and similar answers time after time - that's evidence she was truthful, and truth builds trust. Also, her answers often cast a bad light on her. Those answers also built trust.
My intense questioning accelerated the trust-building process - many answers in so little time (it still took months) just kept me aware that she was being honest.
Third, I was desperately afraid that she was still hiding something that would be a deal-killer. I emphasized and re-emphasized that something bad revealed now might make me leave, but something bad revealed 6 months down line would make me leave.
I wanted the total load of painful info out on the table as soon as possible so I could know what had to deal with. Like virtually every other BS, I was in excruciating pain, and I didn't want to drag it out. (Little did I know....)
Fourth, answering questions is, as you note, probably good for the WS and for the M. Secrets aren't good for Ms, and answering questions honestly help a WS take responsibility for what she's done.
About a year out I started being able to moderate my questions. When something occurred to me, I asked myself if I might already know the answer, for example, and often I did.
I started questioning my motivation for asking each question. If I wanted to get her to feel bad, I expressed my anger directly, rather than through Socratic questioning. If I wanted to evoke sympathy, I expressed my pain directly and asked for support. If I didn't have some gut level understanding of why I wanted to ask a Q, I told W that something was going on with me, but I didn't understand it yet.
I still ask questions now, but I know why I'm asking. That wasn't true at first - I just asked any question I wanted to ask.
It's especially important to your healing to ask the questions that most scare you - if the answer you fear is true, then the earlier you know it, the better for you.
But that's JMO. You can't unring a bell, but you can always circle back and ask unasked questions in 1, 6, 24 months.... YMMV.
[This message edited by sisoon at 6:30 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]