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I don't know if I can deal with this

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lucy17 posted 9/17/2013 20:07 PM

It seems like it has been years. I had to recheck the dates. It's been about 2 months since D-day 1 and 1 month since D-day 2---so not years. Last week was so good. Everything negative just flitted by and I felt- so. happy. I had forgotten what that feels like. Since Friday--he went out running with our dog and came back saying he forgot his phone and I mentally flipped out (he used to text her as soon as he stepped out the door to run with our dog). I haven't flipped back since. Instead, I'm thinking about all the lies to my face and I'm wondering if he is still lying. I am having terrible, graphic, detailed dreams and that is not helping. Last night, I got out of the shower and couldn't find him. My dog was sitting on the back of the couch looking out the window and I instantly went to--he's out there talking to her. I peered out the windows, ran in to check his phone, and was about to pull on pants to go outside when he came up the stairs (we are being audited and he was looking through files). Jeez. So this is how crazy I am. I am so hurt and I don't cry. I hit myself. I hit myself as hard as I can. I like if I hit bone because then I get the sound effects too. Oh, my goodness---I know. I know it is crazy. She had sneakily contacted him through his work e-mail (which she got from a distribution list from a friend e-mail) and he has shared that he had a kind of compulsion to call her--he didn't, and he hated that he wanted to, but he wanted to know that she was okay and that she didn't hate him. He said, "Think about it this way. I had told her if she ever needed anything I would be there. So she e-mailed me to let me know that she's getting a divorce and she may not have anyone else to talk to and instead of hearing from me she gets a really nasty e-mail from you. I feel like I betrayed her." (WTF, WTF, WTF, WTF). So, after some thinking I replied, "Think about it this way. You told me you wanted to stay married to me, she was a mistake, you are so sorry (blah, blah) and that you would no longer contact her. Then you did contact her. Several times. You said you needed the closure so that it was absolutely, without a doubt, no question for either of you over. You said you both mutually agreed that there could be no further contact between the two of you for "your babies" and "your families." So the breaking of No Contact was justified in your mind because of the absolute closure. So then she finds another way to contact you. You didn't betray her. She betrayed you and "your family" and "your baby." He also said something the other day that could be construed as protecting her. He got defensive about being "fair" when I called him on it (fair, really??). So he asks me what he can do. What else can he do. I like that he is being honest with me and telling me about his "compulsion" to call her so I cannot discourage that. We need to talk that out. I was also very clear about the line. He said, "I know if I talk to her you will end our marriage." and I said, "uh uh. If you talk to her, YOU will end our marriage. I am not at fault at here and I am no longer innocent or nave. I am watching. I am monitoring and I will not be lied to nor manipulated." But when he is right in front of me and he is asking me what he can do--what do I need? He is my husband. My first boyfriend. My one and only everything and my best friend. I can look at him and see that he has changed from the liar. I can stop and see him. He is right here. He is trying. I think he loves me. 1 month down and many years to go right?

[This message edited by lucy17 at 8:43 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

Lucky posted 9/17/2013 23:03 PM

Baby steps.

Knowing posted 9/18/2013 02:37 AM

It is early in R for you. The first 3 months were hell for me. This is a difficult time. R is a tremendously difficult process. Please get a counsellor for yourself. Hitting yourself is not a healthy coping mechanism. New, better coping mechanisms can be learnt.

LifeJourney posted 9/18/2013 09:28 AM

Lucy17 ...
Just wanted you to know that I can relate to where you are at this very moment. I wish I could encourage you but since I am in the same place, I thought I would let you know that I understand. Watching my WH grieve the loss of his A relationship is what hurts the most. I know he misses her -- he tells me there has been NC but who really knows? I know I can check his phone but if he really wants to contact her, he will find a way. She also found his work email address. I too am thankful that he is letting me know - but I can hear in his voice how much he misses her. I hope it will get easier soon. (we are one month from Dday) ...

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