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Newest Member: BrnEyes777 (45750)

User Topic: Should he do nothing, until he has no choice?
TrulySad
♀ 39652
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WBF is trying to do what's needed to make this a true R. The issue he's facing now is how to handle his best friend.

His bf hasn't done anything wrong. My WBF has. I recently found out years ago (we didn't know each other then) my WBF was with a woman who started a PA with another woman. My WBF wanted to be part of it, and it led to some physical contact between him and this OW.

Skip ahead a few months, and the OW went on to meet, date, then marry my WBF's best friend. Neither my WBF or this woman told the bf what had taken place between the two of them. They just figured it was in the past, and she wasn't with her husband at the time.

I met this couple last year, when they were in town for the holidays. They stayed in my home, I even gave up our room for them. I NEVER knew of the past between this woman and my WBF. She's in school, learning to be a massage therapist and my WBF and her mentioned a few times about how she owed him a massage. She has sent texts over the past two years, checking in on him...and he's done the same. For the most part, I always saw these texts. But I was under the impression she was like a sister to him.

Not anymore! Not when I know he wanted to sleep with her, and was physical with her. In fact, when I discovered the truth, it puts a far different light on everything.

I see him as keeping this dirty little secret from me and his bf, and getting his thrills from her in other ways. And I see her as a whore who had no issues messing around with a taken woman, years ago, and also now getting her ego stroked whenever she talks to my WBF.

So after this discovery two months ago, my WBF has ignored any contact from her (only once or twice so far) and he removed her from FB. His best friend still doesn't know about this past, and my WBF still talks to him on the phone and texts weekly. They live out of state, so it's not likely we'd see them.

I think this is an issue that needs to be addressed with the friend. My WBF just wants to ignore it and her. The problem is they will eventually be back for a visit, and under no circumstance do I feel comfortable with my WBF seeing this woman. Not now. Not ever. So it's not going to go away.

Can anyone please suggest what you'd do in this situation??? Should my WBF explain this to his bf, possibly causing issues in his marriage? Or should he send a text to the wife and tell her she has a week to discuss it with him, and then he will bring it up after she's had the chance. Or should he sit back and wait till he has a reason to say he can't see them and then explain?

I'm so damn pissed at this whole thing. The two of them make me sick and I'm still not exactly sure where I stand regarding him. It's just so twisted. And I feel like a total fool. Even though his thing with her was before me, why does it feel like the two of them have been messing around right under our noses...under the guise that they are like siblings now?? Even if no actual cheating occurred, it still feels to me like they played us. Damn it!!!!


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 481 | Registered: Jun 2013
RockyMtn
♀ 37043
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would surely want to know if my spouse had been sexual with my best friend in the past. Personally, I'm not sure that the physical act itself would bother me (if it was before we were together) but the lying about it for years would. My uncle married my other uncle's former girlfriend - and they are all good buddies. But there was no deceit.

As you say, the fact that they were playing brother/sister role is just wrong. They should've been up front and honest and accepted whatever boundaries there might have to be. Frankly, I believe if they were honest with you both, it may have been awkward with them, or even some jealousy, but you wouldn't be so damn upset with both of them.

I'm gonna take the unconventional route here and tell him to talk to her and state, in no uncertain terms, that her H needs to know. I don't see why you wouldn't give her the opportunity to address it. She may be covering up an ages-old encounter - which is wrong - but I'm not sure that alone makes her a horrible partner, unable to be honest. If she was a current OP to someone? Then my advice would be different.

The one risk you run here is that she'll frame the encounter as your WBF's fault. But you know what? If she's gonna do that, she's gonna do that and it doesn't matter if she frames your WBF earlier or later. And you'll have to leave it up to his best friend to sort it out.

I would not wait long to tell him or he'll figure this out on his own. And then he'll be even more pissed.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
TrulySad
♀ 39652
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've said the exact same thing to him RockyMtn... It's not about them having a past. It's that the two of them hid it from us. And led us to believe it was only ever just an innocent friendship that they shared. Now, with those lies, I can never trust my WBF around her. Nor her around him.

And part of me never wanting her in our lives has to do with knowing how at least my WBF felt towards her. And that apparently, based on his need to lie to me about it, and also looking back and realizing what they did under my nose wasn't innocent comments and texts, but more was behind it all...she has NO place in our life now. I guess now, it's about saving my pride and putting her in her place.

[This message edited by TrulySad at 8:02 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 481 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 3

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