Sorry, probably tmi...
So over all, R is going very well. WH is transparent, has made some very significant changes that i feel very positive about. I can see all the hard work he is doing, and I am starting to feel a tiny inkling of safety. Baby steps, day by day.
What i am really having trouble with is regaining the joy i once found in sex. I didnt really experience the HB many of you seem to. In fact, sex has been a huge struggle for me since DDay. Sometimes i get thru it...sometimes i break down and have to stop in the middle...sometimes i break down afterwards.
Pre-A, we had a great sex life, WH and i both agree on that. We were very open, adventurous, romantic. Yes, we had our mundane moments as most do, but over all, i think the actual sex itself was wonderful. We had a connection, we knew each other, what we enjoyed. It was like we could read each other and give what the other person was asking without actually asking.
Post-A, i feel like i have lost it. We still have sex, but the enjoyment i once had isnt there anymore. The joy is just gone for me. Its so hard to put into words...but its like i cant let myself go. I struggle so much with the thoughts of him with her, the intimacy of the act, and how he can just give away that intimacy to someone else. There are certain sexual acts i found such pleasure in Pre-A....Post A i cant even bring myself to do certain things because i am overwhelmed with triggers and sadness. Sometimes even seeing him naked triggers me horribly and i just break down.
I am in deep talks with my MC/IC about it. Working on that.
WH is very supportive, he never forces me to do anything, doesn't make me feel guilty if i have to stop, he holds me when i cry, sometimes even cries with me. He can see that i am trying. God, i try so hard, to be in the moment, live in the now, see him for who he is now, BE with the man he is now.
Is it just a time thing?? Or am i just that damaged beyond repair? I feel so messed up, just broken and damaged. I miss the fun in sex. I miss the closeness and connection i had with WH. I miss the enjoyment being with him sexually. I miss the giddy, simple joy of letting loose and just being crazy wild fun.
Has anyone else struggled with this?? What did you do? How did you overcome? How did you get the joy back??