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sexual sadness

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SorrowBhindSmile posted 9/17/2013 21:11 PM

Sorry, probably tmi...

So over all, R is going very well. WH is transparent, has made some very significant changes that i feel very positive about. I can see all the hard work he is doing, and I am starting to feel a tiny inkling of safety. Baby steps, day by day.

What i am really having trouble with is regaining the joy i once found in sex. I didnt really experience the HB many of you seem to. In fact, sex has been a huge struggle for me since DDay. Sometimes i get thru it...sometimes i break down and have to stop in the middle...sometimes i break down afterwards.

Pre-A, we had a great sex life, WH and i both agree on that. We were very open, adventurous, romantic. Yes, we had our mundane moments as most do, but over all, i think the actual sex itself was wonderful. We had a connection, we knew each other, what we enjoyed. It was like we could read each other and give what the other person was asking without actually asking.

Post-A, i feel like i have lost it. We still have sex, but the enjoyment i once had isnt there anymore. The joy is just gone for me. Its so hard to put into words...but its like i cant let myself go. I struggle so much with the thoughts of him with her, the intimacy of the act, and how he can just give away that intimacy to someone else. There are certain sexual acts i found such pleasure in Pre-A....Post A i cant even bring myself to do certain things because i am overwhelmed with triggers and sadness. Sometimes even seeing him naked triggers me horribly and i just break down.

I am in deep talks with my MC/IC about it. Working on that.

WH is very supportive, he never forces me to do anything, doesn't make me feel guilty if i have to stop, he holds me when i cry, sometimes even cries with me. He can see that i am trying. God, i try so hard, to be in the moment, live in the now, see him for who he is now, BE with the man he is now.

Is it just a time thing?? Or am i just that damaged beyond repair? I feel so messed up, just broken and damaged. I miss the fun in sex. I miss the closeness and connection i had with WH. I miss the enjoyment being with him sexually. I miss the giddy, simple joy of letting loose and just being crazy wild fun.

Has anyone else struggled with this?? What did you do? How did you overcome? How did you get the joy back??

sunnyrain posted 9/17/2013 21:34 PM

Your post touched me deeply. I am so sorry to read your pain. I wish I knew how to comfort you, but the truth is that I'm simply crying along with you.

I sincerely hope you find a way to recapture your joy. Kudos to you for trying so hard. I think you are very brave. <3

Lonelygirl10 posted 9/17/2013 21:42 PM

I am struggling with this, and I agree that it's very sad

Like you, sex pre-A was amazing. He was the best partner that I've ever had. The best part was that I felt special. He made me feel like I was the only woman he wanted and that he was lucky to have me. It allowed me to trust him and to open up with him in a way that I hadn't done with any prior partners.

Now, post-A, sex is confusing. I have the mind movies and images in my head, and sex makes me feel sad now. I don't feel special. I feel like a body with boobs. All I can think about is him with her. I used to love his body so much, but now I just think of her touching his body. I can't let down my walls with him the same way I used to, and sex is actually physically painful most of the time now. I don't feel like we connect emotionally in the same way that we used to, and it makes me very sad.

I tried to just fight through it. Ignore the mind movies and images, and just push through the feelings. I would pretend that everything was okay with him, and then cry in the bathroom afterward. But pushing through it didn't really work, and sex started being more painful. So I am taking a break from sex. I'm hoping that sex will be better again once I start trusting him again. In order for sex to be good for me, I have to feel special.

I don't know what's going to happen. I miss the way he used to make me feel sexually though. Sometimes I cry thinking about how much I miss it. Hopefully you will get some better advice.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 9:43 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

musiclovingmom posted 9/17/2013 22:15 PM

Like you, sex pre-A was amazing. He was the best partner that I've ever had. The best part was that I felt special. He made me feel like I was the only woman he wanted and that he was lucky to have me. It allowed me to trust him and to open up with him in a way that I hadn't done with any prior partners

I think I have said this exact thing to my H. It's getting better, sometimes. Here's what we have done.
-sometimes I have a single drink. It helps me relax enough to get out of my own way.
-we work on creating intimate moments that aren't just sex (he washes me in the shower, a massage, etc)
-he NEVER pushes me to do something when I'm uncomfortable, even if that discomfort comes right in the middle of doing the deed
-I never asked specific sexual details. Instead, on the advice of someone here, I asked what he did NOT do with them and we do lots of those things

meplusfour posted 9/18/2013 00:34 AM

musiclovingmom, thanks for the advice about asking what he did not do with OW. I am going to take this advice.

Hope2B posted 9/18/2013 03:25 AM

I asked what he did NOT do with them and we do lots of those things.

He did everything with her except the back door access (which I won't ever do anyway), so the list of what he didn't do has nothing on it. She did all the sex stuff and positions, and other "adventurous" stuff too, like toys, lap dances, stripping, masturbation performances, etc, and of course, she and he achieved simultaneous coital orgasms, but now he wonders if she really did or was only pretending.

I reminded WS that she is a hooker, that's what she does to keep him interested--wow, he got her off at the same time, there is a spiritual connection there, barf barf barf ! Doh! Hello! She FAKED it.

I know WS *prowess* in bed, and I didn't marry him for his skills in bed or his penis size! For goodness sake, he has ED and PE and he's undersized--but we got around it as loving spouses!

Sex will never be the same for me. He has to be screened for STDs etc (Trickle Truth DDay with more disclosures was this last week). I'll always have the skank mentally sharing our bed. I don't want him to touch me, hold my hand, or kiss me, let alone do anything else, even if/after his STDs panel of tests all come back negative.

I'm numb, maybe even dead inside.

All I can say is that you are not alone, and I am so sorry this is happening.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 3:27 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]

WIgirl posted 9/18/2013 04:40 AM

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way...and I can relate. We're only a few months out from DDay and haven't had much sex, but I've cried every time. It is a huge loss in a long list of losses. I can only hope it gets better with time. ((HUGS))

sisoon posted 9/18/2013 06:31 AM

I absolutely refuse to believe you're damaged beyond repair.

I think you're reacting to a trauma is a natural way. Part of the trauma was about sex, so you mistrust sex. Makes good sense to me.

I think healing requires a lot of work from a BS, and it takes time to do the work, so, yeah, recovering your sexual joy will take time.

But you're not just sitting back - you're doing the work, so be confident you'll heal.

[This message edited by sisoon at 6:43 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]

coldheart34 posted 9/18/2013 09:00 AM

How soon after DDay did you have sex with your WS?

Me (BS)-34
DDAY: 2/2013
DDAY (full disclosure)8/17/2013
kids- DD 19 months, due with next DD 12/31/2013

SorrowBhindSmile posted 9/18/2013 10:10 AM

It was about a month after DDay, give or take.

Yes, i give that advice often, find out what they didnt do. It saved me in the beginning and that was really the only way i could make it thru sex. i know a lot of their sex was just it wasnt about intimacy, connecting, all the things that made our sex life together special and meaningful. I mean, how intimate can you make sex in the back of a van in a parking lot in broad daylight?

We try to make sex about making love....about connecting, taking our time and being with eachother. But it is almost like that makes it worse, sometimes, because it just seems to magnify the fact that he was with another woman in such a crude, nasty way.

ugh, man, this just sucks. i just never, in a million, trillion years thought i would be here. in this place. with this pain. Guess i am still processing.

2married2quit posted 9/18/2013 18:12 PM

You are trying and he's patient and this equals amazing. You two will pull through. Sounds to me like trauma and you're facing it head on. It takes time but don't be discouraged.

I sometimes would feel repulsed over my W body and then later desire it again. I wanted to take it back. I still have times where I hate her and what she did with her body. Just knowing OM saw her nude destroys intimacy for me. However there have been times that I have focused on purposely putting all those thoughts aside and indulge in something that's going to help us.

OK now posted 9/18/2013 19:29 PM

After my husbands fuckfest with lovergirl I asked him to sleep separately from me and there was no sex of any kind for 6 months.

It really helped being brother and sister for that period; mind movies were reduced and I got some satisfaction [hey, I'm only human] from his forced abstinence. I also quickly lost the weight he was complaining about and flaunted my new bod every chance I got.

This was sometime ago and our sex life is OK; not something that distresses me, but also not a number one priority.

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