Someone posted in the wayward forum about (and I'm going to butcher this of all of its original eloquence) how a trait common in some successful long-term relationships is a constant re-affirmation of one's partnership. Essentially, "my husband makes me so happy and I'm proud of him," or "my wife is incredibly sexy and I'm such a lucky man to have her as a partner." Little affirmations that hold true and straighten one's attitude when life throws curveballs at you-- anything from gaining weight in middle age to serious trauma. It's a chosen attitude-- a mantra-- saying something so many times it BECOMES true or perhaps even transcends fact... and I thought this was an interesting idea.
I started to think about this in my current situation. I've started dating someone (don't worry, she knows about and accepts my recovery). However, I still have these "memories" of my ex floating around in my head. It's not all the time-- it's not that often-- but they're there. For instance, one of them was when my ex and I were at an airport in FL. This guy ahead of us in line told her that her smile just lit up the airport-- that she glowed with joy and beauty-- and he wasn't being creepy or anything, he was even comparing her to his wife and one of the things he loved most about her-- and I agree. She is that, always... and I miss it! I miss that about her. And I have this memory of him telling her that... and my memory includes how that made me feel. I was so proud to be her boyfriend then. I replay this memory from time to time... and I (until recently) have been reliving that memory... I relive that feeling. And I miss that feeling.
I know the relationship wouldn't work-- she's emotionally detached (hell, she almost married an addict) among other things. But it doesn't matter. I hold on to that relationship when I relive that memory-- I'm re-affirming that it was a great relationship, and that I think it would work. I'm not telling myself that explicitly, but isn't that in affect what is happening?
I really really want to "give up" that memory. I don't know how-- and frankly, I'm scared to. There's more work around this that I need to do, but I feel like talking about it here might help. I don't want that memory... but at the same time, I'm scared to give it up. Very very scared. <sigh>
Anyway, I think I need to give up memories like these. They have no place in my current relationship-- and they serve me nothing. Or at least I think they serve me nothing. Does anyone else think along these lines?
“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”