Someone posted in the wayward forum about (and I'm going to butcher this of all of its original eloquence) how a trait common in some successful long-term relationships is a constant re-affirmation of one's partnership. Essentially, "my husband makes me so happy and I'm proud of him," or "my wife is incredibly sexy and I'm such a lucky man to have her as a partner." Little affirmations that hold true and straighten one's attitude when life throws curveballs at you-- anything from gaining weight in middle age to serious trauma. It's a chosen attitude-- a mantra-- saying something so many times it BECOMES true or perhaps even transcends fact... and I thought this was an interesting idea.
I started to think about this in my current situation. I've started dating someone (don't worry, she knows about and accepts my recovery). However, I still have these "memories" of my ex floating around in my head. It's not all the time-- it's not that often-- but they're there. For instance, one of them was when my ex and I were at an airport in FL. This guy ahead of us in line told her that her smile just lit up the airport-- that she glowed with joy and beauty-- and he wasn't being creepy or anything, he was even comparing her to his wife and one of the things he loved most about her-- and I agree. She is that, always... and I miss it! I miss that about her. And I have this memory of him telling her that... and my memory includes how that made me feel. I was so proud to be her boyfriend then. I replay this memory from time to time... and I (until recently) have been reliving that memory... I relive that feeling. And I miss that feeling.
I know the relationship wouldn't work-- she's emotionally detached (hell, she almost married an addict) among other things. But it doesn't matter. I hold on to that relationship when I relive that memory-- I'm re-affirming that it was a great relationship, and that I think it would work. I'm not telling myself that explicitly, but isn't that in affect what is happening?
I really really want to "give up" that memory. I don't know how-- and frankly, I'm scared to. There's more work around this that I need to do, but I feel like talking about it here might help. I don't want that memory... but at the same time, I'm scared to give it up. Very very scared. <sigh>
Anyway, I think I need to give up memories like these. They have no place in my current relationship-- and they serve me nothing. Or at least I think they serve me nothing. Does anyone else think along these lines?31yo WS-SA
“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”