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Can't Remember

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2B1again posted 9/17/2013 22:53 PM

My W needs timeframe details. I am trying so hard to do everything I need to (and want to) to help start the healing process for both of us. What I have done to her for the last four years is appalling. I'm becoming more aware of my responsibilities for my healing and also realize that TT will only delay any hope of R. My A did not correlate with anything in my "Real Life" and therefore I have limited events to calculate the A time line. What advise for jarring memories?

Later posted 9/17/2013 23:01 PM

IDK, but it seems to me that if you genuinely can't remember that you should explain that to your wife and ask her if what you can supply is enough. Personally, if I believed that my WW had exhausted her memory I would not want her digging up those memories.

Of course, that's assuming I felt she was telling the truth.

badchoice posted 9/17/2013 23:05 PM

Have you started the timeline? You might find that as you start to write it out, somethings will come to you.

Something I did to sort things out is when a memory came to me I put it on an index card. Then I could start to place them in order as I remembered events and timing.

Journalling also helped me remember things that I had forgotten.

Good luck.

Neznayou posted 9/18/2013 01:07 AM

2B1again, I have seen other threads discussing the issue of memory gaps. It sounds like a common dilemma among WS. We know that in order to help our BSs heal and regain trust, we must be completely transparent. However, for some of us, the actions of the Affair (lying, deception, selfishness, callousness, disregard for established morals, sex with someone else, emotional withdrawal...) were so far outside what we at one time thought ourselves capable of that the whole time period really is in a Fog.

My Affair lasted 58 days. DDay was August 2012. I know that even now my BH has a difficult time accepting that I really don't remember the A as clearly as he expects I would remember such a major event (series of events). We struggled with this one quite a bit in the first months after DDay. Fact is, the whole summer kinda blurred together. I gave him the most accurate timeline I could and as many details as I have. I still do have a journal, like badchoice suggests, although now I write less frequently than I did. I have often imagined that we were in a movie and the director inserts a flashback and it all becomes crystal clear, but such is, of course, not the case.

Do your best to avoid TT, especially if you are actively holding on to any significant detail. (Significant to your BS, not to you.) I found it easier to work on the timeline when I had my calendar/ planner in front of me and was relaxed (as possible under the circumstances). Let your BS know that you will continue to think on it and work to remember events. When you do remember something that should have been included in the timeline, be upfront and reassuring that this info you are about to add was not intentionally left out. No matter what we WSs do now, we cut our BSs deeper than we can possibly imagine. The last thing we truly remorseful WSs want to do is pour lemon juice in the wound we ourselves caused.

Best of luck.

2B1again posted 9/21/2013 00:37 AM

Thank you to all.
BS did a timeline from her perspective. I am now in the process of writing a narrative of sorts that incorporates my timeline with the help of hers. I have committed to do lot of work for the rest of my life if she will allow me.

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