"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

cytron posted 9/17/2013 22:54 PM

Here are the two links to my story:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=507983

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=506967

She left on Sunday and texted me tonight that she is moving back home and there is nothing I can do about it. I can leave if I want to, but she will never leave. This after a text 24 hours previous saying we need to sit down to work out 50/50 split and what that looks like.

I am sure she has a lawyer already as her parents hate my guts with a passion (always have) and they are going to try to do anything to make me suffer.

We had a phone conversation tonight (25 minutes) where she completely a cold hearted bitch that I always knew she was. Again, did not apologize for her affair. She said this made her look at her life and reevaluate everything and never once said she was sorry, asked how I was doing, kept interrupting me everytime I talked (always been that way), etc. etc.

So I post here needing advice on moving to the next stage. If you read my story, you know that I have separation papers (presented and she refused to sign), custody papers and divorce decree. I have seen a lawyer, but I have a co-worker and another lawyer who will be helping me with no charge to represent myself pro se.

Is this a wise idea? I have two kids (9 and 5) and papers include:

I take 100% of house
Split marital assets 50/50 including our retirement funds
Joint Legal Custody
Primary Physical Custody (60/40) split
Going for Spousal and Child support as she makes more than me.

I can't really afford the 3000 retianer that both lawyers want to charge me, but at the same time I don't want to get screwed. I don't want this to get to court. I want to settle or at very harshest get a mediator.

She has turned into the type that might go for the jugular even though she had the affair.

Thoughts?

h0peless posted 9/17/2013 23:04 PM

Three things:

1: Divorce is expensive.

2: In situations like the one you find yourself in, it's absolutely worth it to do it right.

3: Divorce is forever. Don't let your fear of short term ramifications keep you from doing this the right way.

Please, please hire a lawyer. I know you can't afford it and if it weren't for the custody issue, you might not need one but you need to protect yourself and your time with your kids. This is too important and too emotional for you to do by yourself.

gonnabe2016 posted 9/17/2013 23:15 PM

IMO, if your WW if being difficult then pro se may not be a good idea....especially if she has representation.

texted me tonight that she is moving back home and there is nothing I can do about it.

If you are in the States, what you can *do* about it is to immediately file for divorce and request temporary orders that grant you exclusive use of the home.

Joint legal custody of the kids is pretty standard unless one of the parents is a complete fuck-up.
How shit is divided is a jurisdictional issue. If you are in a community-property, no-fault state then yep. 50/50.
Your taking 100% of the home (after divorce) will either be a concession that she will make or will be *charged* against you in the property settlement (as in...you take the house and she gets <xyz>).
Child support is typically determined on a % scale that takes into account the amount of overnights you have with the kids and your incomes.
Spousal support has all kinds of factors to it (length of marriage and earning capacity, etc..) and is very reliant on your own state's guidelines and tendencies.

I know that where I live, custodial and financial mediation is a requirement. The courts insist that the parties attempt to work this shit out for themselves before allowing an impartial party to decide their lives for them.

Why wouldn't she sign the papers that you had?

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 11:17 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

Dyokemm posted 9/19/2013 01:07 AM

This is my first post on this site, as I usually post on another.

I read your story though and just had to comment.

You need to get VERY proactive in exposing this to the OMW.

Make sure you present her with copies of the proof, especially the morning after texts as they are completely damning evidence on the PA.

You must provide the proof because your delay has probably already led to him gaslighting his BW already.

And if you want your WW to begin to be more amicable in this divorce proceeding, and I think she is preparing to get VERY nasty, then you need to make it very clear to her that you are more than willing to expose her at work and destroy both their careers.

I myself am in education, and this is a very serious threat.

I promise you, this will scare POSOM off instantly when he sees his fun will likely lead to his firing.

To avoid this, your WW will almost assuredly agree to everything you want in the D since your demands are reasonable.

stronger08 posted 9/19/2013 06:58 AM

Do yourself a favor and separate finances now before she does. Open up an account in your name only and move half of the assets into it now. This is not illegal and it may be the only way you can afford to get going. After that hire a lawyer. Its all well and good to have a list of demands. But that don't make it legal and binding. And if your doing this to try and to get her to come to her senses it wont work. Never make a threat your not willing to back up. Actions speak louder than words. But separate those assets before she plows through them and you up shits creek. As for your demands that for the legal profession to hash out. Don't dilute yourself into thinking that because she makes more money your gonna get what you ask for. Your best course of action is to take action. Stop talking about it and do it.

Afraid2LoveAgain posted 9/19/2013 07:39 AM

Someone may have mentioned this already but she may be getting ready to set you up for DV charges.

Nanny cams, VARs, maybe a brother or sister to come stay with you for a witness. Do NOT trust her!

sparkysable posted 9/19/2013 12:45 PM

You need to move fast and you need to protect yourself. Absolutely spend the money for a good lawyer, in addition to your coworker friends. Do NOT try to do this without a lawyer. You need to hammer her hard and fast.

Do not ever go anywhere alone with her either!

cytron posted 10/9/2013 22:47 PM

Just an update for all those who showed their concern to me over the past two months:

Honestly the past three weeks has been the happiest I have been for awhile. I have reconnected with some old friends while perfecting the 180. I have not spoken to OW wife yet, but I will. I have completely ignored my WS and really enjoyed time with my kids and my time alone as well.

Telling her on Friday that I want this to become permanent and we need to start divorce proceedings.

h0peless posted 10/9/2013 22:50 PM

If I could make a suggestion... Don't tell her. Just do it. Have her served.

StillStanding1 posted 10/10/2013 01:17 AM

Cytron, sorry you are here, but glad to hear you are doing well and taking steps to move on with your life. I just recently started reading in this forum, as I spent most of my time in the R forum... sigh.

I don't have a single word of advice on this path. I am still getting myself prepared to navigate it. I just wanted to pop in and wish you well. I'm so sorry that your WW is such a cold-hearted beotch. So very, very sad. Glad you have been able to focus on enjoying time with your kids and renewing old friendships. That is helping me too.

Best of luck to you!

Undefinabl3 posted 10/10/2013 09:37 AM

She left on Sunday and texted me tonight that she is moving back home and there is nothing I can do about it.

She is saying this because unless she is in the home its harder to fight for the marital home, leaving it basically says that she agrees to give you the home.

Not always, but i am 100% positive that her lawyer told her to get back into the house ASAP.

You need to do what Gonnabe said:

If you are in the States, what you can *do* about it is to immediately file for divorce and request temporary orders that grant you exclusive use of the home.

If you want to hope to have what you listed, then you need to make the first moves, like yesterday.