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click4it posted 9/17/2013 23:11 PM

its been 12 years.

7 years being divorced.

In most people's eyes, I should be well beyond "past that".

This includes being in the same room with him and his wife.

I have no seen his wife or been in the same room with her for 12 years - since dday pretty much.

ex-SIL has invited me to her daughter's bridal shower this Saturday. I asked if ex-h wife will be there. She said she did not know and she "hates this" because I am family too. I told her I don't mean to be difficult, but I am just not comfortable being in the same room with them. She said she doubts it but that this is special and I should be there and when they get married there should be "no excuses" for not being there. I said the wedding I might not have a problem because that will be a big event and I can deal with that. The bridal shower is more intimate and in her home.

So anyway, I'm putting this out there to see how many of you can actually be in the same room as your ex and his wife? no matter how many years have gone by.

I just am not willing to do and cannot do it.

CallMeRed1 posted 9/18/2013 03:42 AM

We all have our own set of issues don't we. My ex-inlaws (and exwh's friends) are all acting like I've died, so I don't have that problem.

The only one who keeps in touch is the only one who matters, that's my stepdaughter, and she's made it quite clear she would pick me if she had to do any picking (and she doesn't know that her dad cheated on me).

It's a really difficult situation. I can cope with seeing my ex, but I have to for our children.

Take care of yourself and don't be pushed into anything you don't want to do.

x

momoftana posted 9/18/2013 07:38 AM

I don't have to, and the Jolly Green Giant isn't big enough to make me.

hexed posted 9/18/2013 08:03 AM

I have very little issue with it. I still hope OW gets run over by the southends of a northbound heard of skunks but I don't wish her dead anymore. If I had to I could be in a room with her. I draw the line at my home. I refused to allow her over for my DS graduation party. Other than that, no problem.

Dawnie posted 9/18/2013 08:07 AM

My XH is also married to the OW and his family seems to have accepted and welcomed her into the famly. This is a deal breaker for me as far as they are concerned..... I aliented myself from all of them and never initiate contact with them. They try from time to time to include me and I always gracefully decline.. I never say why but I think they all know.

I am a very black and white person and do not tolerate bullshit well... and the family knowing the facts of our split yet still accepting her is bullshit.

I get why you feel like you do, and I think if you are not comfortable then decline the invite.

Sad in AZ posted 9/18/2013 09:55 AM

This is a tough one; I'm sure you love your niece and want to share the joy in her life. You are fortunate to still have a cordial (or even better) relationship with your XILs. I would love to give you some advice, but I don't have any. I'd like to think I'd suck it up and go for my niece, but I've never been presented with the opportunity, and I doubt it will ever come.

I do have to think about this for the future if the X and the OW ever form some kind of union (it's still pretty nebulous, but I have a feeling it will cement someday.) With DS & DIL having the baby, chances of running across the crappy couple loom in my future.

Do what you think is best for all concerned, including yourself click.

shiloe posted 9/18/2013 10:38 AM

Personally, no, I could not go. Send them and nice card and gift. Why put yourself through that anxiety. I am with Dawnie on this

his family seems to have accepted and welcomed her into the famly. This is a deal breaker for me as far as they are concerned

I plan on cutting them out if they do this in the future.

click4it posted 9/18/2013 13:39 PM

I've long ago accepted that they've accepted her and her family into their family. This is their son & brother and honestly, they have no choice but to accept her without alienating him. He is their blood and that's not going to change. The funny part is that he doesn't see them that often anyway so really its the other way around - he has alienated them from his life.

I'm they will not understand why I'm still uncomfortable, but they have not been through it so they would not know how it feels. Yes, their mom and dad have finally been able to be in the same room as each other - but it took MANY years for this to even happen. So, they have some clue.

Its just hard because I have so little family of my own that I want to remain in theirs and I feel if I don't go, I won't be invited anymore. But that might a risk I have to take because I'm not going to sacrifice my own feelings to always please them.

I did put in a call to my ex-h last night and left him a message. I said I just want to know if your wife and her sister are going to the bridal shower this Saturday because I've been invited as well. If you can let me know no later than Friday, that would be great.

EvenKeel posted 9/18/2013 13:52 PM

My only niece (S-SIL DD) got married last month so I had considered this same thing as soon as the engagement was announced (me - overthink much? LOL).

I had decided I would not attend if invited and just send a gift and my wishes.

IDK - if you feel you need to go, you could always do the wedding only....that would avoid much social interactions.

Sad in AZ posted 9/18/2013 14:32 PM

I want to remain in theirs and I feel if I don't go, I won't be invited anymore. But that might a risk I have to take because I'm not going to sacrifice my own feelings to always please them.

Do you see the contradiction in this statement? You are not doing it to please them; you are doing this to stay in the family. You do what you have to do, and if you don't, you can't really lament being cut out.

hurtbs posted 9/18/2013 14:49 PM

My ex didn't marry any of his OW, but I know that I couldn't be in the same room with him at an event. I'm 7 years post DDay #1 and 2 years post divorce.

sparkysable posted 9/18/2013 20:30 PM

I can promise you, it will not happen. Ever.

gardenparty posted 9/18/2013 21:13 PM

I would love to say never but I know that it will happen when my daughters get married. I hope it doesn't happen for a long time yet. We have been divorced for 7 years and any interaction that I have to have with him makes me sick for weeks in advance.

hoya96 posted 9/18/2013 21:34 PM

I'm within several feet of the OW on a regular basis - one of her favorite activities is to wait until I sit down at a soccer match/swim meet/parent meeting and then come sit down within feet of me with exH, and proceed to PDA.

Since she is the OW AND my former best friend, you can imagine how it makes me feel.

I hate it, so I have a lot of sympathy for you. But do I do it? Yes, because the alternative is to be sidelined in MY children's lives, and I refuse to let that woman take any more from me.

ManBearDivorce posted 9/18/2013 22:37 PM

I have to adapt to the anxiety I have when we exchange the kids. Other then that I would never want her to be in my presence. Shit like this is why I have cut ties with my inlaws. they are great but eccepting what there daughter is and is still doing is also a deal breaker with me.

Undefinabl3 posted 9/19/2013 08:16 AM

Sounds to me like while they may have accepted her presence, they PREFER you.

It pisses me off that these OW's get so much more space in these situations. BS's miss things simply because the OPeople show up.

I wish I could go with you to this thing, to show her that she does not have the power to seperate you from the family that you love and the people that love you back.

It is totally unfair that AP's are given this power, to ward off BS's out of places that were the BS's to begin with.

Dreamboat posted 9/19/2013 09:02 AM

I could not be in the same room as wifetress. I am afraid I would try to strangle her again.

And I agree with you, a small party at someone's house where you have to sit in a small room with her and make nice is out of the question. A large event like a wedding where you can sit on the other side of the banquet hall might be doable.

click4it posted 9/19/2013 23:20 PM

Ex-h called me back and left me a message. He said he will not be going to the bridal shower, but as for the wedding, we'll have to talk about that.

thanks jerkwad. sorry that just naturally comes out.

Ok, so I kinda figured he wasn't going, and I asked if his wife and sister were going, but I'm going to assume he meant she is not going either.

Undefinabl3 posted 9/20/2013 10:21 AM

but I'm going to assume he meant she is not going either.


I would assume nothing. You should probably ask or not go. Otherwise, you could walk into the house and boom, she's right there.

GabyBaby posted 9/20/2013 10:25 AM

Ok, so I kinda figured he wasn't going, and I asked if his wife and sister were going, but I'm going to assume he meant she is not going either.
I wouldn't assume anything.
Typically, men don't go to bridal showers, women do.
So there is a good chance that the OWife and sister will be there.

If you don't want to go, politely decline. Send a gift and an invite out to lunch/dinner at a later date.

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