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surprise posted 9/18/2013 04:48 AM

Its been 7 weeks now, everytime I see an advert or show that involves happy familys I start to cry.
Does it get easier?

Thefly559 posted 9/18/2013 05:36 AM

Yes it gets easier , I am 5.5 months into it and I still can't listen to music or barely watch television. There are triggers all over the place every day . I do not think it will ever end , maybe just subside or ease somewhat but never end . I feel your pain and am here too. Stay focused on yourself and kids if you have and push through that pain. You will come out stronger on the other side .all the best.

SBB posted 9/18/2013 06:12 AM

Absolutely. We all have different timelines but I promise you it won't always hurt this bad.

I was a hot mess for those first few months. 7 weeks in? I couldn't eat or sleep - I was just numb and so full of rage I couldn't think straight.

It took me a good 6m from DD to start even feeling human again. I used to seethe at happy little families sitting next to me. I wanted to puke whenever I saw a family out and about together.

I had the first panic attack of my life after DD - two more followed in those first few months.

I cried so much I barely wee'd. I was in such a fog - I kept it together at work and when the girls were here but when I was alone I was pretty much on the floor in the foetal position crying rivers of tears,

It gets so much easier. There is a quagmire of shock and hurt you need to get through first. Right now all you need to do is get through this next minute, this next hour. The rest will sort itself out.

I still remember my first big belly laugh - I knew at that moment that everything was going to be OK. I was going to be OK. I was still 'me'. Just the heartbroken, humiliated, shocked and rage-as-hot-as-the-fires-of-hell version of me but still me.

Please read everything in the Healing Library - especially NC (No Contact) and 180. Keep reading, keep posting. You'll look back on this time and wonder how the hell THAT idiot could have this kind of impact on you.

Detaching was agony for me. I didn't want him back but I found it very very difficult to let go. He helped me with that a lot with all of the fuckery he pulled.

I read a quote that summed it up for me: The harder you work the harder it is to surrender.

I surrendered to it - I let the pain wash over me. I worked really hard on limiting the amount of time I spent with the obsessive thinking. I went through the months leading up to DD over and over again in my head. I then went back several years. It was exhausting. I used a mental image of a Stop sign - others use a rubber band around their wrist. Whatever works.

I reached a stage where I was all pained out - I had no more hurt to feel. There was nothing more he could do. My worst fears were happening and the fear itself was far worse than what was happening.

My rage just kind of faded away and made way for a resigned sadness. Mourning someone you never really knew is tough.

Please know you WILL get through this. No doubt about it. Brace yourself for the rough patches and enjoy the bursts of sunshine as they arise.


surprise posted 9/18/2013 06:32 AM

Thank you for this.
Before her I was never an emotional person, I had never cried since I was a child but lately everything sets me off.
I just want to be able to turn it off, to not care but I cant.
My family was my life, without them I am nothing.

macakipa posted 9/18/2013 06:39 AM

My family was my life, without them I am nothing.

Please try not to think this way. It is normal to question your identity after this life changing upheaval, but, there is still "YOU".

It is just takes time...time to heal...time to refocus...time to recognize your true worth.

Kajem posted 9/18/2013 08:02 AM

Yes it does. With that dreaded word-TIme.

Early on you feel like you're under a heavy blanket of sadness.
Little by little you'll come to notice that for a minute or two you didn't feel that weight of sadness that pervades your life.

With focus on other things those minutes get stretched to hours and hours get stretched to days.

It takes time, so it's very important to take care of YOU physically, emotionally, financially.

It sucks, but it does get better.


ninebark posted 9/18/2013 08:15 AM

It has been four years since DDay and 2 years since we separated (divorcing).

The first little bit was difficult for sure. The first two years were spent getting my self esteme and my emotions back in order. The next two years have been about getting my life in order.

THere are good days and bad days, but the bad way outnumber the good now. I know longer care about EXH, obsess about him or the OW, it seems like a distant memory now.

It will get better, you will be happy again.

You have your kids, focus your attention on them, they are worth your time.

[This message edited by ninebark at 8:16 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]

jackfish posted 9/18/2013 08:54 AM

2 1/2 months since dday.

Initial shock, craziness is gone. Last 4 weeks have been easier. One problem I had was ongoing "thoughts' which really affected my sleep. Lack of sleep caused even more "insanity", emotions, etc. Luckily, I had some family (even in-laws) and friends who re-affirmed that I was so good to her and that she's living a fantasy and "should give her head a shake". I did a ton of reading on mid-life crisis, depression, etc etc and tried (still trying) to make sense of it all. Once I started sleeping better, having great friends who kept me busy, and family who kept me sane, I started getting out of that initial shock and depression. I still jog, bit of weights, and have lost about 20 lbs and so feel good physically. I also saw a lawyer to get info on what I should be doing to be prepared for the future (regarding her) and procedures, what to expect, etc. That helped a bit too.

So ya, slowly got a bit better but two things I gotta get over. One is those damn triggers. I have limited contact but she throws a curvball your way, and Bam. that doesn't help. SI folks and a couple close confidents helped me there. Other triggers such as coming across old cards with written notes in them telling me how much she loved me and best husband and father one can ask for...stuff like that. Ah yes, the good old days.
Number two. And I think this would be the biggest hurdle (i think), is getting some CLOSURE! Like without any bullshit, come right out and tell the , Gasp, the TRUTH my dear. WHY WHY WHY did you do this? Not the ILYBNILWY crap, or anything as such. But real genuine truth of WHY and truly what did I do,,,sick of me? bored, Grass is greener, temp insanity, dick too big, dick too small, not enough $$, you became a 42 year old teenager again, ??? What?! Now THAT would be huge to calm me and help me get through this, but I doubt that'll happen. Maybe yearrsss from now? But in the "Foggy state" she's in, I would rather not listen to lies, because I'd probably take that as truth and forever be F-ed up.

Another thing that has helped me I made two lists. One was pros and cons of "Do I go outta my way to save my marriage"? And the other list was the pos and neg's of her character, both over the course of our marriage, the pre-dday, and the post-dday. When I made these lists, it validated that I truly was married to a cheating, lying,thieving, deceiving, narccistic, hystrionic, hypocritical basket-case! I realized how brainwashed I was to have enabled and put up with this F-up all these years! I was stuck in thinking "better or worse" and "sickness or health" (depression) vows.

Letting go and being no/limited-contact, living one day at a time, and noting the positive things in my life are other things that have got me through to this point.

[This message edited by jackfish at 9:00 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]

surprise posted 9/18/2013 09:18 AM

Thanks for all your replies.
Although it is definately over (they are posting happy pictures) I still keep forgetting/wishing it wasn't happening, then I see or hear something and reality jumps right back again.
It starts out with the two images I have burned into my eyes of them together "during" and their "happy picture", then the realisation that my kids are gone. I did nothing wrong (well I'm sure I played a part) but its me being punished.
I don't hate people but I really struggle to not say or do anything to this boy (hes still a teen).
sigh and now the imagery is back again.

[This message edited by surprise at 9:30 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]

SBB posted 9/18/2013 09:41 AM

I don't know where you are in your legal wrangling so please disregard this if you already have it in hand.

5 hours away? WTF?

Do not let your grief stand in the way of protecting yourself and your rights to your daughters.

I hope you've seen a lawyer and I hope you can get your family back.

That woman is gone - good riddance, those girls are your family and you need to fight to get them back.

50/50 is standard in Australia. I would not have fought him on it even if I could. Although I would feel far less anxious about their time with him if he would have honoured our agreement for him to participate in random drug testing.

We will get over these unremorseful, broken Waywards. None of us would get over losing our children. Ever.

surprise posted 9/18/2013 09:52 AM

Thanks strong,
sadly my job involves a lot of time away so 50/50 custody is never going to happen the best I will get is the occasional visit.
5 hours is where her family lives, all we had here was work and her friend (who will be moving in with her shortly)

SBB posted 9/18/2013 10:20 AM

I understand. Please do see a lawyer though. There are all sorts of arrangements besides 50/50 that is better for your girls than 5 hours away with occasional visit.

5 hours away means you can't attend school events etc. even if your work schedule allowed.

I didn't think either parent was allowed to take them away so far away. Please see a a lawyer if you haven't already done so.

The current arrangement is not in your children's best interests.

surprise posted 9/18/2013 10:35 AM

I'm not really sure what the law is but its better for WS and my kids there because they have all her family for support.
Sadly I just have to suck it up and to get used to being a part time dad.

sunsetslost posted 9/18/2013 14:41 PM

Two months in. Great therapist, wonderful friends and family. Thoughts about my future. Cognitive dissonance is a tool that has been extremely helpful to me. The triggers are there. But you can work through them. Best of luck

kg201 posted 9/18/2013 15:56 PM

I'm approaching 2 months since dday. And although it is on my mind constantly my gut feels better generally. I am not obsessing over the details, which I don't have many of. When I do get sad it is usually about having lost something (my family) that I deeply cared about. I have been triggering to angry at times, but I have been realizing that the anger then leads to a two day depression, so I am working on trying to better control my reactivity to my WWs bs and lack of empathy.

But generally I have been trending up since we separated 4 weeks ago. Although the situation is constantly on my mind, it hasn't been as debilitating.

sleepless34 posted 9/18/2013 15:56 PM

I too have been reading a lot. Talking to people a lot, especially those that have been through this. Every night I call my best friend and drink wine and smoke cigarettes and bitch, talk, laugh with her for 2 hours after the kids are in bed.

One book suggested that you try to stay focused in the moment. Try to only think and focus on what is happening in that very moment you are living- it works at times when I am really spiralling out of control.

I also like to listen to angry songs or sad songs. I like to post here. The Break up Bible is really good, but there were some things in there about writing your marital history and a bunch of stuff I am not really ready to do yet.

Next week I am going to start working out again. Yoga. And I am starting to make plans to try and keep busy.

I get sick of listening to myself sometimes, never mind how all my friends and family must feel having to hear me go on and on about trying to understand something that is so complex, irrational, illogical yet also so simple: He cheated. He was weak, he was a fake, he was selfish and he cheated.

Happens every day, happened to everyone here. It is a "thing" and they are all the same. What they say, how they rationalize, how the justify, and how they act afterwards. Cheaters are cheaters and they have a pretty specfic MO.

kg201 posted 9/18/2013 16:02 PM

It is a "thing" and they are all the same. What they say, how they rationalize, how the justify, and how they act afterwards. Cheaters are cheaters and they have a pretty specfic MO.

I was thinking about this earlier today. I really find it amazing how similar the WS behaviors are in all of our stories. My WW makes it seems like she has this special situation that no one else can understand, that justifies her actions. And in my mind I am thinking that your aren't that special at all...just read the stories on SI and you will see your exact words repeated over and over by countless cheaters. It really is amazing what the psychology of this is....and they refuse to see it even when it is staring them in the face.

Thefly559 posted 9/18/2013 18:16 PM

I could not agree more all the stories are so different yet exactly the same , man or woman. Doesn't matter all the actions and words and plots and lies and manipulations are exactly the same. I will never understand. I am slowly giving up trying to after 5 months I am still triggering and go in and out but much better than in the beginning ! I hate to say it but time ( and strength ) heals.

sleepless34 posted 9/18/2013 18:24 PM

Kg201- totally! But they think somehow that their stories are so much more complicated and they are just the exception, not some typical selfsih cheater, they are SO much more complex, we just don't "get it" we have "grown apart" or that they aren't the type of person who would ever do this if there wasn't a really really good reason. It isn't actually their just couldn't be! It has to be the other persons fault somehow...

Maybe it is already there, but if not, we should write up a profile for the healing library for the new people.
Here is what they are going to say, here is how they are going to try to rationalize, here is how they will try to blame it on you, here is how this person is just exactly like every other discusting, cheating, selfish, pathetic, cowardly CHEATER from this website...they are all the same they just have different faces.

Mine actually said, "well, I must not have been happy in the marriage or else why would I have ever done this?"

And now he has created this incredible revisionist history of our marriage. We were unhappy for the last 5 years, we only had sex 4 times the whole 16 months he was with his OW, I was not attracted to him, I settled for him, I thought he was just the guy to take out the trash, I was a dictator and control freak and constantly criticized him.

Of course, none of this was really ever mentioned or discussed other than random bickering here and there like every other couple in the universe with little kids and jobs... No one in either of our families or any of our friends ever witnessed anything but two people who seemed like a really happy couple with a great family?

kg201 posted 9/18/2013 19:17 PM

Sleepless, for my WW it was that she was working on the marriage for so long, and I was an angry ass that wouldn't stop yelling and putting her down. None of the stresses in the house had anything to do with her and her choice to run away from our issues, of which we did have some. I had just started seeing an IC for anger issues when she began her A. We were 10 months into caring for an adopted older child with significant needs, on top of our other two children. And she had just finished her first 5 years of cancer treatment. Rather than continuing to work on these issues/stresses she chose to start and maintain an LTA.

And it's my fault that she had her affair. Oh...and apparently once her cancer came back and she stopped drinking alcohol, all of a sudden my one drink after work, 4 or 5 nights out of the week means I'm an alcoholic in denial. And I was "too angry" in my response to finding out about her A. And...and...and.

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