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what do you want the WS to say to reassure you?

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morethantrying posted 9/18/2013 05:48 AM

It have been about 7 months since real "d day" i say real because all the detail did not come out right away. He is remorseful and I know he wants to be with me (31 years now) but I think I need him to tell me reassuring words without me asking for them...what does your WS say to reassure you and how often does he/sh say them even though it has been months since D day? Whenyou get the reassureing words do they make you feel better or re-traumatize you by again bringing up the affair(s)?

SecondHelping posted 9/18/2013 06:42 AM

The one thing that still means the most is a heartfelt "I'm sorry that I did this to you."

In the beginning, I didn't hear it nearly enough, probably once or twice a month, and I needed it almost daily.

My fWW still says it about once a month, and I'm OK with that even though I would like it a bit more often.

spinning73 posted 9/18/2013 08:23 AM

Definitely need more reassuring words and I am sorry for doing this.

I get lots of "I love you" but need more specifics. We read "Five love languages" and I am definitely a "words of affirmation" type!

I think WH feels mentioning the A, even to apologize is bringing up the past. He will talk if I bring it up, but he never brings it up himself.

WH meeting with new MC individually today, then we go together next week, maybe we can make some progress...

simpleD posted 9/18/2013 08:25 AM

II still want & need reassurance... And we are 2+ years out. You are in the early stages post Dday. You need the reassurance & comforting words. If he's not saying it enough tell him you need it in conversational way. It sucks to have to ask for it, but maybe after a few more times having to ask he'll get it. I wish my WS acknowledged my need for it more... Even now. But, I think you are right... They don't want to bring it up because they think it will cause us pain. Keep trying.

morethantrying posted 9/18/2013 08:39 AM

thank you, I hesitate to ask because sometimes even his reassurance re-traumatizes me and he is doing so many other things right....I found out about the two affairs after one had been over for 6 years and ANOTHER over for about 1...but of course is FRESH to me.I still cry daily but is getting better...still beat myself up for not recovering faster... I want to...he is not forcing it...what exact words might I need mind is spinning all the time......

tushnurse posted 9/18/2013 08:49 AM

R'd at 2 2years, and now 5 years out here. So this is my experience with this....

I told him all the time post Dday (first few months) that I needed reassurance frequently, but couldn't be more specific as I was so wounded I just wanted the bleeding to stop.

A little further out he was great about the ILY's, but would not bring up the A voluntarily, and that was not fair to me. I would ask him, do you think about it ever? Do you have feelings for her still? I would get the answers that were of course Not really, no. but not much more.

What I came to decide, and do as I continued to heal myself and get stronger, what I really wanted from him was the reassurance that he was happy he stayed, that he wanted to be with me, and the kids. I also realized he was a bit of an emotional retard. So I would have to be very specific with him on what I needed.

I would tell him I need to know at least on a weekly basis that you are happy with me, with the choice you made, and that you are doing everything you can to help me heal. You can choose how to do this anyway you want, by giving me a card, by saying some heartfelt words along those lines, by giving me a little extra attention, but so I know that you get it, and that you are here for me.

For me his actions spoke much louder than his words, and as we came to about the 5-6 month mark he was really really getting it, and doing what I needed. He would do silly things like leave candy on my car while I was working, send me an email out of the blue with some sweet message, that he would do some extra chore around the house that I dread. All of those things communicated to me the assurance that he was there to stay, because he wanted to be. Not because he had to be.

I hope this rambling makes some sense. But it is important for him to know that you need the assurance and that he is all in.

sailorgirl posted 9/18/2013 09:28 AM

It helps when he tells me how well I'm dealing with this. I need him to truly understand how hard it is and admire my strength and hard work. He should notice that I'm still a great mom and volunteer despite the drain of his A on my energy. He should show his respect for how I've handled this in a healthy way. When I can't deal gracefully any more, he should tell me that it's unbelievable that I've been able to function so well, and he is so impressed that I don't fall apart more often!

morethantrying posted 9/18/2013 11:35 AM

This has been really helpful! I would like him to acknowledge how hard I am working and that there are days I will not be so graceful!

morethantrying posted 9/18/2013 20:33 PM

Thank you to all who posted here. I showed the responses to H and it helped. I will get AA. That is acknowledgement of my hard work and assurance of his love and commitment. Is it unforgiving of me to want this? Do I feel "powerful" over him and now feel bad? Yes to both. Nothing is simple with infidelity recovery.....

RockyMtn posted 9/18/2013 20:40 PM

Words can either reassure me or make me sick. They make me sick in certain situations because it feels like he thinks words can somehow soothe the giant shitstorm he threw at me.

But I am reassured when:
1) He tells me how wonderful I am and how lucky he is to have me. Not just because he loves me but because of the way in which I've handled myself in this mess. There is something very reassuring about hearing him point this out because it shows that he gets my pain, while simultaneously complimenting me as a person, which shows appreciation and admiration. Appreciation and admiration were missing during the A, so these words are super helpful.
2) When I'm going batty about a specific thing or a trigger, even something seemingly inconsequential or indirect, I don't necessarily feel reassured by an "I'm sorry I caused this." But I do feel reassured when he gets right in there with me, as in, "yep, that makes sense, Rocky. What a mess. That would drive me crazy, too. Let's work together together to prevent or soothe the trigger." It is really reassuring to have him empathize with the trigger and NOT get a deer in headlights look and fumble around with "I'm sorry." It is almost like he feels crazy alongside me! He sees the crazy, I think, as an opportunity to build trust.

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