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WS asked me exactly why I'm sad -

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PrincessPeach06 posted 9/18/2013 07:54 AM

Funny a couple of days ago I posted how on the good days I was afraid he wouldn't see the anger and/or sadness. How quickly things change! LOL

Anyway I was crying again this morning

PrincessPeach06 posted 9/18/2013 07:57 AM

Sorry hit reply too soon :)

Anyway it took some thinking to get to the root of my emotions. My DD was in a musical Monday and my DS scored his first high school soccer goal last night and we were on such a high then things hit me. Anyway, I sent him this, is it harsh? I'm afraid I can't understand why I keep going back to these sort of feelings!!!!

Watching DD and DS and thinking how close we came to losing it all and missing these precious moments. How the heck could you do this to me(us). How could you be so selfish and possibly destroy your family over nothing!?!? All we wanted was YOU - your love and respect. Whether you are fat, skinny, built, ugly, sexy, rich, poor, whatever !!! We gave you all of us, did our best to please you and make you happy and you never saw the love that was right in front of you. And reflecting on that makes me sad and angry. And although I am hopeful the best is yet to come I have to mourn and grieve the loss of all of this.

SisterMilkshake posted 9/18/2013 08:10 AM

To me, it doesn't seem too harsh. You are only 4 months from your most recent d-day. Crying a lot and feelings are still very raw. I can remember crying after d-day when at happy events for the same reason. For what he was willing to destroy for a FWB's.

Communication is key, I feel, in reconciliation. Yes, he needs to know your deepest, darkest feelings.


simpleD posted 9/18/2013 08:17 AM

I think it's ok to express your anger & sadness over what's happened. Maybe even better to do it in writing as it might be a healing step for you. There is a sadness that sneaks up on me too. Weird things bring it to my mind. Like, going into the spare closet where a bunch of junk is stored, all boxed up. It always seems to bring up thoughts of how close I came to boxing up my whole house. What would I do with all this stuff? where would I move? Then, anger hits because I know he would've left that all to me to take care of.

Stay hopeful and positive about the future. It may be your best yet!

RippedSoul posted 9/18/2013 08:52 AM

Ah, Princess! In some respects, we sound so similar. Sorry you're here; sorry any woman is. :(

I think those same things every time I watch my children, think of them, talk to them . . . I could see him betraying me, but them? Yet he missed the last performance of his daughter's last high school musical (she was the lead), so he could have an extra day with his paramour in paradise, so he could screw hER on my birthday. No biggie, right?

In comparison, how could your words of pain be harsh? You're coming from a place of healing, of reconciliation, of love. He was coming from a place of betrayal, of lust, of selfishness. There actually IS no comparison. He was tearing down; you're trying to rebuild. Remodeling is infinitely more difficult than pulling out the dynamite or the wrecking ball.

PrincessPeach06 posted 9/18/2013 09:03 AM

I know he will be understanding but I also think (knowing him too well lol) part of his response will be that he can't understand why I can't enjoy these things like he does without getting sad/angry. It's hard at that time not to throw it in his face which never helps. Maybe he will surprise me! LOL

He has worked so hard in the past 4 months, I wish he would have done the work on himself before he nearly destroyed it all.

numb&dumb posted 9/18/2013 11:16 AM

why I can't enjoy these things like he does without getting sad/angry

One thing that I had to explain to my W is that while she had three years to deal with this, it is brand new to me. IT also may take me as long to process it to a point where I can be objective.

The other thing is that with someone who does not have the compartmentalization skills that a WS often has, it is impossible to separate the betrayal from every aspect of our lives. Even something as mundane as getting the mail can remind you. Taking a shower, driving. It is something that is subject to involuntary recall for the rest of our lives. It is a memory that they created. We often can't control it until many, many years later.

One of the main struggles I have had is trying to understand a broken/compartmentalizing/selfish approach to things. I had to come to terms with the fact that I may never understand her 100%. I equate it to trying to understand someone speaking a different language.

Now, I had the benefit of working through my FOOs long before this came up, so it might give me a little more insight. However just like we cannot understand what it feels like to be a WS, they have difficulty understanding what it feels like to be a BS.

Just like couples who never gone through this don't understand, someone who has never been betrayed struggles with understanding. Sometimes they give up or put it into a box so they don't have it face it, etc.

The expectation of rational healthy behavior from someone who clearly demonstrates that they are not is what got me.

Now I will also say that people can grow and change those behaviors. Sometimes it takes longer that we want.

Hopefully that reads the way I intended. AT this stage he just needs to know that you are sad. He also knows that he needs to work on being patient and looking to grow beyond his current programing.

It never hurts to mention that you showed tremendous patience by simply not divorcing him and trying to save your M. (Or other examples you can remind him of). If he wants the M it is required that he do the same.

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