It turns out I was almost doing it, but there some important things I'd got wrong:
Getting emotional on him when he triggered me
Trying to find out what he is up to
I did listen to what he was saying...but then I tried to put my side and all he heard was criticism.
Let's see if I can do it. The hardest bit will not be getting emotional when I feel hurt. That never used to be a problem, but now I've put my walls down and am getting used to actually feeling...well it's hard to switch it off.
So my keys words to keep hold of, my mantra will be:
Happy, Confident, Capable, Moving on
Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him.
"Until God opens the next do
Good luck and remember it's a process. :)
I started it this afternoon when he came to pick up ds3 and go get ds6 from school. Now he's been away at a wedding a for 5 days and the COW was there (but they're not seeing each other,apparently)so he would have expected me to try and ask/hint about it. He got crickets, a smile and a wave goodbye, with a 'have a nice time'
When he returned them he started asking them if they remembered where he was going to take them on Sat and got them to tell me. Now normally he keeps his plans with the boys to himself and gets very cagey. He also volunteered that they'd been to McDonalds for tea.
Well I'm going to try not to read too much into it, but it's an interesting change from usual.
FWIW, when I am better at 180, Perv gets very chatty and "friendly". It can become a game of cat and mouse, but is a really good way to practice self-protection.
Those are good ideas for a place to start. Another one I would add is to cease letting any information or details about yourself out to him in future.
I like your mantra. Mine is, "we don't need him anymore." or, "We can do it ourselves."
ETA that Perv does that too, the quieter I get, giving out little bits of detail of his visit with DD or his day, which I think nowadays is a hope for an exchange of information or a wish for a pat on the back...to feed that ego.
[This message edited by Ashland13 at 8:13 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.