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Fluctuating emotions. Normal?

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fitaccountant posted 9/18/2013 09:07 AM

Hello Everyone,

I am new to this forum and sought out advice as I am struggling with dealing with my H's emotional affair.

Backstory: He is a personal trainer and had a client who he worked with. I had met her and she was in one of his group personal training sessions and was introduced to him through some of his other clients. We all knew her marriage was not the greatest and she was constantly unhappy. While my husband was on a trip with his father I paid our phone bill and noticed this number coming up more than normal. He does text his clients a lot for scheduling purposes, diet information etc. But this was may more than normal. As my user name suggests I am an accountant but not only an accountant but an auditor. I did some research and found out over the last 6 months they had texted over 400 times and had several phone calls.

I travel for my job and I noticed these calls occurred while I was gone. There were only a handful of calls however and mostly only 20-30 minutes long. I did a reverse phone number look up and realized it was this girl.

I confronted him, I did it over the phone first because he had no cell reception on his trip and I had to live with this for 3 days before I could actually talk to him.

To end a long story, he told me that they were just friends and would talk and confide in each other about each other's marriage issues but also just talk about other things. He said he felt like he couldn't approach me about certain things because he felt like I would judge him or not understand so he used her as a confidant. We all knew she had marriage issues so it was obvious to me why she latched onto him. He also said she would just show more interest in conversations than I did which hurt me because we have been together for 5 years, married 2. Stupid example he gave me would be like him saying, man I really hungry for a hamburger and her response would be oh, have you tried this place yet? it's really good, whereas my response would be different, like yeah that does sound good. Since we have been together for so long, we have experienced most new places in town together so I wouldn't really have that same response. I know, kind of stupid example but that's what he gave me.

He called it off immediately, while he was still on his trip. Told her it was over, they couldn't talk anymore because it was hurting his marriage.

At first I was numb, I wanted to get through this, it wasn't physical cheating as far as I knew but the emotional cheating may be just as bad. I am not an advocate for divorce unless there is extreme circumstances.

The first month after was ok. We went back to normal. Now I am regressing and am getting angry and upset all over again. I don't feel loved, I am questioning whether it was just a "friendship". I asked if they ever saw each other outside the gym and he said no. He said she suggested it, like going to lunch, getting coffee and he always said no. That is still hard for me to believe.

I know I should move on as that is the choice I have made but I am falling back into those originally emotions of betrayal. For the first month I wouldn't look at the phone bill and now I can't not look at it. It's torture as he does have a lot of clients and I don't know any of the numbers. He is good about letting me look at his phone, looking up the numbers he texts a lot but it doesn't make me feel better.

And I know she is still trying to get in contact with him. She has texted him from a different number probably 20 times and called him once. He hasn't responded which I can see from the phone bill but it makes me paranoid that she will continue to try from different numbers or that he is contacting her to a different number than the one she is using to contact him.

I am about to get busy with work, traveling more and in a mere 4 months will start my busy season where I will be gone most of January and working long hours.

Sorry, I know that was a lot. Can anyone provide any words of wisdom or comfort. Will I ever feel normal again?

Thank you,

ionlytalkedtoher posted 9/18/2013 09:19 AM

sounds like she definatly wanted more than friendship.

i would still be suspicious until he proves otherwise.

Camalus posted 9/18/2013 09:19 AM

I am new to all of this, but it seems as if I cycle through grief, anger, 'feeling emotionally dead', and hurt many times each day.

Some days are worse than others. I have been told in IC this is normal but will get somewhat better over time. I've also been told it may take as long as six years before I wake up some morning and realize I hadn't thought about or stressed over my WW's affair.

fitaccountant posted 9/18/2013 09:29 AM

I haven't found anything in my obsessive searching. He is being very open, he continues to apologize.

I don't understand how other women can do this to each other. I am very angry with her, just because she is unhappy in her own relationship, doesn't mean she should ruin someone else's. I never liked her to begin with because she did always seem unhappy and like she hated me, and now I know why.

H is doing what he can to make me feel better but it just comes in waves. Today is obviously not a good day.

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