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Newest Member: kdeegandy (46044)

User Topic: 12-Hr Window for Most Important Conversation of My Life
RippedSoul
♀ 40055
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH returns from a business trip this afternoon; leaves for another 10-day jaunt early in the morn. This next one--a multi-company project--involves the OW (with whom he has had NC since end of January). They may fall for each other again; they may not. He may act out with someone else in lieu of her. He may hold his s--- together. I can suppose what will happen, but I've resigned myself to the fact that I may never know. He could confess the truth in a future disclosure statement for SAs. He could confess the truth in a conversation asking for a divorce. He could never confess at all. He could honestly have nothing TO confess.

So if you had 12-hours left with your trying-to-reconcile but definitely vulnerable WH, what would you say? Mind you, I have NO way of verifying any boundaries I create for him.

Would you send him off after making love to him like it may be the last time? Would you just express your love verbally? Would you send him a note? Would you try to have a conversation? Would you keep it drama-free? Would you just hold him? Do I let the tears--that I choke down as I type this--flow? I've hidden them for so long. I don't want to set him up for failure, but I don't want to coach him with a pep talk, either. Sigh. How DO we do this?


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 481 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is going away on a business trip with OW?

I don't think I would be able to handle that. Does he have to go? Does his(their) boss know about the affair?

ETA: I just looked through some of your posts and found this:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=507267&HL=40055

What was his explanation? He was responding to them...he is still acting out.

He needs to not go on this trip..and if he does..you need to insist on STD testing when he gets back,,before you have sex with him.

Im sorry.

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:26 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8086 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Rippedsoul))

I couldn't do it. But others here have. My IC said to me yesterday that any semblance we have of control is just false security anyway.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5778 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
losingmyground
♀ 36070
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No way he would be going. I would not be able to handle it. Always wondering what happened.

I would also expect him not to go because he knew what it would do to me.


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
Painfuljourney
♀ 40208
Member # 40208
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, this wouldn't work for me. I wouldn't trust him and I wouldn't be comfortable with this. I had my WH quit his out of town route because that is when he cheated on me. It took a few weeks for it to happen, but during that time I had no trust issues because he has done a huge turnaround in himself, not vulnerable to A and a different person completely. However I was triggered by his going out of town. So he needed to stop.

It sounds like he has all the power right now. You need to get that back. Part of that would either he stop business trips, change jobs, or maybe you go with him if possible. No way could I just let him go when I know OW is there. NO WAY.


BS (me) - 44
WH - 46
DD - July 1, 2013
2 daughters, 14 and 10

Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest
heartache101
♀ 26465
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ripped

Would not be happening in my world.. Not alone.

So is there anyway you can tag long? Be the extra baggage if needed?
What has he said about this meeting and this trip? Is he trying to make you feel safe? Is he saying the right things to you? Or is he just not saying a thing?

Then we will know what to tell you.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3199 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would you keep it drama-free?

Yes! And keep it simple.

"I love you, <hubby name>, and I'm trusting that you will protect me -- and the progress we've made on building a stronger marriage and better boundaries -- and *US* on this trip. Call me when you can, and we'll get through this challenge together. <hugs and kisses>"


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
atsenaotie
♂ 27650
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RippedSoul,

So if you had 12-hours left with your trying-to-reconcile but definitely vulnerable WH, what would you say?

I would tell him the truth and I would act/respond in a manner that was comfortable and reflected my true feelings.

You cannot set him up for failure being honest. Not being truthful, letting him believe that everything is OK when it is not, that is setting him up for failure.

As for a pep talk or "requirements" these are not on you either. You cannot change a persons behavior, especially when he is so "out of pocket". You have to trust him, and as he has proven himself untrustworthy, you are stuck. As confused pointed out, he has very recently proven himself to be untrustworthy.

IF, this trip goes ok, and he does the right things, then it ultimately will be a part of healing, a mile stone. OTOH, if he ignores his relationship with you, acts out, covers-up, or things just do not go well, then this trip will likely set your efforts to R back.

This is a big part of why many of us want our FWS to change their job if the OP is still there or may still be there.

While he is gone, work on taking the focus off him and what he may be someday. Look at why you are still with him, the him he is today. The him who still flirts with potential sex partners, who does not follow-up on IC for HIS issue. The him who keeps himself in a position where he is out of town with a former OW.


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4161 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
annb
♀ 22386
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in the camp that he should not be going on this trip...it makes you uncomfortable, he needs to provide that safe place for you.

My WH traveled a great deal for work at the time of the A, he was gone every other week. No way in hell would I be put in a position to be home and sick over a business trip.

He scaled his travel back to almost nothing, and he came up with several excuses for trips he felt were important....illness, family crisis, whatever it took.

((((RippedSoul))))


Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
mixedintherut
♀ 40330
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be honest with him. About all of it. If your sad, let him see it. If you feeling cuddling or being physical, do it.

What about a picture from his phone, by a clock at random times, or random check ins. Or what have you?

If you want to write him a letter, you could write him a letter, hide it in his bag, and at whatever time in his travel you feel he should read it, mention that you hid a letter for him to read.

I would do whatever you feel you need to, that is going to help make you feel the safest.


DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 138 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
RippedSoul
♀ 40055
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a quick break at work to express my gratitude to those of you who have responded so far. I've not, obviously, had time to ponder your advice, but believe me that I will.

Also believe me when I say this trip must happen. My WH has 4 degrees; his job is highly specialized; he's in charge of this project; he can't NOT go. It's also highly classified, so taking me as a companion is not an option. There is no cell service. When in quarters, he may have wifi, but it will be in the middle of my night. So it's a highly irregular sort of trip.

That's why I need to focus on this one conversation or these 12 hours before he goes. I can't ask him to stay. I can't ask to go with. I can ask for honesty (although can't ensure I'll get it). I can ask for respect. What else CAN I do? What is within my control? This is my last "stage entrance" before she appears on the scene for the first time in 8 months.

He IS broken. I get that. He is not sober. I know that. But I also believe he loves me more than anyone he's ever loved. And, strangely enough, our M is in a decent place--aside from the recent acting out. That may not be enough. It's certainly scant comfort in this situation, but it is better than nothing.

Thanks, again, for the hugs, the words of comfort, the outrage, the sadness. You're all so expressive and it is heartwarming to have your support!!!


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 481 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"aside from the recent acting out." He was on MILF hookup sites sending messages to other women..12 days ago. What did he say when you confronted him? What has he done since then to make you feel safe.

Does OW's boss know of the affair? Do the other people going on this trip know? Do you know any of them?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8086 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
catlover50
♀ 37154
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like ladies first's suggestion, as well as atsenaoitie's. You can't control him. Use this time to decide if you can live like this.

I don't think having sex with him will change anything, but if you want it, do it for you.

(((Ripped soul))))



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1845 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
crazyblindsided
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((RippedSoul)))

Oh I couldn't do it. I would be an absolute mess the entire time my WH was gone and I would be right back at square one regardless of what happened just because of the anxiety.

I don't have any answers as you have to do what feels right for you. I'm sorry


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Missymomma
♀ 36988
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ripped, here is an excellent article on boundaries for spouses of SAs. Setting a boundary with consequences is not controlling. Trying to manipulate with sex or tears is controlling and not healthy for YOU. You can be a sexual dynamo and he will still make the choice to use because it is about his brokenness. Please read this article for some info on healthy boundaries for spouses of SAs.

http://www.posarc.com/partners/boundaries


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
tired girl
♀ 28053
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While he is gone, work on taking the focus off him and what he may be someday. Look at why you are still with him, the him he is today. The him who still flirts with potential sex partners, who does not follow-up on IC for HIS issue. The him who keeps himself in a position where he is out of town with a former OW

This right here. You have no control, none of us ever do. To think that we do is an illusion. Setting up all kinds of barriers and boundaries is the illusion of control. The only person you control is yourself. Figure out what you can accept from him and go from there.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5247 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweetheart, you aren't competing with the OW. You can't. You know that, right?

He either will, or he will not, honor you.

How will you know? If he doesn't, I imagine you'll find hook up sites or other evidence upon his return.

How snoop proof is his briefcase? can you put in a spy pen? Or will that lead to 5-10 in the federal pen?


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6693 | Registered: Jan 2011
RippedSoul
♀ 40055
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just got home and read your posts. He walked in the door right after. As he deals with some business, I'm sending you this quick note. I've read everything you've shared. It's good stuff. I appreciate it. Now let's see what comes out of my mouth when we actually talk. Will be back in touch when I get a chance.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 481 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
RippedSoul
♀ 40055
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The self-proclaimed "most important conversation of my life" wasn't. It wasn't even a conversation. I was cowardly and he wasn't in the mood for weighty, so it didn't happen. Not sure quite how I feel about that. Don't know how it'll affect me throughout this trip. Part of me says it's good because nothing was there to "backfire" and provide the catalyst for more acting out. Part of me says any words he uttered would've not been terribly comforting, anyway, because he lies now, right? Part of me would've liked to have laid it all out: my love for him, my hope that he decides we're worth trying for, my need for some sort of protestations of fidelity.

What I got was this: three hours on the couch, holding hands, watching the past two episodes of "Suits" and one of a new BBC drama with Dr. Who's David Tennant. Before we did that, though, he suggested a trip to the grocery store for our favorite ice cream.

I first dared to ask, in a quiet moment--after he mentioned that she (who had rented a car) was the one his hotel mate had arranged to give them a ride somewhere--if that was gonna be okay. He said yes. I later managed to ask him if he was more excited for the experiment or the woman. He said definitely the experiment. I asked how it was the last time (back in Nov). Was it the experiment or her? That time it was assuredly the woman. Then, as we were snuggling before sleeping, I told him that I was glad he was so happy, but that I was very sad and worried overall. He hugged me closer and said he understood and would feel the same way.

That's it. Pretty anti-climactic. Right now, as much as I don't want my marriage to be over, I think I could handle ANYTHING as long as I know. I just want to know. I don't want to be blindsided; don't want to "find out." I want him to come home, tell me that he's planning to leave me for her, and move forward. Or for him to come home, tell me (truthfully--but how do I judge that?) all was well, and then dive into CSAT therapy and 12-group stuff.

Thanks, again, for all your advice. I really do squirrel it away for times when I think he's receptive to a convo. Sometimes, he's just not in a good place and I can feel the vibes. Those aren't times he's being mean to me or anything, they're just times he's not willing to be open and is merely content to be superficial. Sigh.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 481 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
atsenaotie
♂ 27650
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes, he's just not in a good place and I can feel the vibes. Those aren't times he's being mean to me or anything, they're just times he's not willing to be open and is merely content to be superficial.

While he is gone, work on taking the focus off him and what he may be someday. Look at why you are still with him, the him he is today. The him who is only open to you at times when he selects and can be content with a superficial relationship. The him with whom you find yourself changing your needs and wants based on the vibe you pick up from him, the him you set your own needs aside for to accommodate him.

You were worried about setting him up for failure. Withholding your feelings and fears, allowing his mood to determine the course of your relationship is setting him up for failure.


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4161 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Topic Posts: 20

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