If anyone would have seen me last night or this morning I would have been put away for sure. I went off the rails.
Here's the thing...I've been slipping off the 180 train for a while now. I haven't been diligent. I've been stubborn. I get to a place where I feel strong and then I stop doing the things that are helping me the most.
-I stopped going to see the IC.
-I stopped taking my AD medication.
-I slipped up so many times on the 180 that I just threw it out the window.
-I've been masking my pain instead of dealing with it.
-I've turned to alcohol and an inappropriate texting relationship with an ex to help me feel better.
I found out yesterday that my WS moved out of his sister's house and he didn't tell me. Don't know when he did or where he lives now or who he lives with.
I was so hurt by this...so floored...so down in the dumps....that it felt like another DDay. Back on the crazy train.
So last night I went home and cried. Hyperventilated. My eyes looked like (and they still do) I've been in a fight with a heavy weight champ.
After he dropped off the baby I texted him and said, I wish you would have told me you have moved instead of letting me find out from someone else. He said he is just doing what he needs to do to survive. I told him that it hurt me and that I'm not the enemy and I don't understand why he treats me as such. He said, I'm sorry I hurt you, I didn't mean to. He also said that he lies awake at night tormented by the thought of waking up the next morning and losing his son.
I slept....I woke up with a fire inside of me. I should have listened to that voice that said, NOOOOOOOO! But I knew I had a captive audience. I feel so discarded...so thrown away...so mad that he made plans for himself but doesn't even give a crap about where DS and I are going to end up.
As long as I stay in town, he doesn't care what happens to me or to us. So I couldn't hold it in...I lack self control and I just started texting him at 6am.
I said, if you are tormented by the thought of losing your son, why wouldn't you treat me better and try to foster a good relationship with his mother? Whether you want to admit it or not, we were married, we were in a committed relationship and it would be nice if you told me you were moving and I don't have to hear it second hand.
This started him on his "You won't be taking my son from me!" bullshit he always gets into. It's almost as if I don't exist. I keep checking in with him to see if my feelings will ever matter to him, but no, they don't. Why am I constantly surprised if in the last 6 months they didn't matter before?
So we got into it. Nasty phone calls and texts. He said awful things and I said awful things...but I actually made him cry. I went for the jugular. I mentioned something about his illness after he called me a bad mother one too many times. He threatened to call the cops because I slapped him last week when I had drunken sex with him. He threatened to come yell in my face in person. It got ugly. We both said terrible things to each other. And of course he did the...see...see...this is why I can't be with you.
Ultimately I calmed down. I mean I had a baby to clean and feed and get ready for the day.
I had to call him and apologize and explain to him that I was hurting and when I talked to him about it he just dismissed me and things escalated.
I've asked him to talk to his parents about having them drop off the baby every night. I think we need a third party mediator and one of us needs to file already.
I have to let the dream of us being a family go. We aren't healthy. He certainly isn't and I'm a mess. I'm not taking this emotional abandonment well and I'm turning into someone I don't want to be.
I'm a good, kind, happy, generous, loving, caring, sweet, and sensitive person. But this thing has turned me into a monster.
The sick thing is I still love him. That's why I'm sooooo angry and feel robbed, discarded, hurt, sad, lifeless...I actually wished that I was dead many times over yesterday. I was in so much pain I thought death would be better than this. I couldn't do it, but I thought about it.
So my solution today is to get back on the 180. Make an appointment with my IC. Make an appt with my doctor to get a script.
But I don't think our current arrangement is working. It's to much to have to see your WS every single day of your life and continue to struggle as a single mom and just feel like you have to keep your mouth shut about everything. I agree that the 180 is for me...for me to move on and move foward...but sometimes I feel like I'm just rolling over and dying and saying do whatever you want, you won't hear a peep from me.
I know I need help...I know I'm stuck.