Sorry to post and run and leave you all with unanswered questions! Fortunately life got in the way for a bit.
I guess I dont know anything 100% anymore, it is just the feeling that (as said above) that he has already done it (and in my case got caught, begged me to stay, and then escalated) and could hide it well enough. With technology the way it is I know he could hide it again better than ever.
He is not doing everything he can to make me feel secure but he is transparent as far as I can tell.
It seems to me that he either cant or wont or doesnt know how to help me move forward. I see red flags and know that the further we get from the A the less he thinks it should be addressed.
He is ready to move on and I feel stuck and scared.
I feel he will cheat again because he will start something important and then drop it like a stone without discussing it with me. Like IC(felt it wasnt going anywhere), or antidepressants(felt he no longer needed them), or the self imposed "no porn" ban which lasted less than 3 weeks.
I think it is my last shreds of sanity that tell me he will cheat again. He is an "I do what I want" man and right now he wants to be faithful but what about years from now when that gets old and he wants to f a prostitute again? What besides his own moral compass would stop him? So thats why I know he will cheat again.
I have a super low sexdrive (as in maybe 2 days a month I will feel frisky) and this has not helped our relationship. Medical doctors say its the birthcontrol pills. Head doctors say its the stress and trauma of feeling like I had to have sex even when I didnt want to and then learning about the A. He is tons better at waiting for me to initiate but I fear that I am just broken for good. My IC feels I have been "almost mentally abused" by his selfishness.
I worry that we are too far gone and that I am just putting off the inevitable because I so badly want it to work. But maybe I am one of those who subconsciously dont want to move forward because I have already reached my bottom line, my last straw.
I love him but I dont know why anymore. (As in logically, why would you love someone you cant trust and whose sexual exploits and interests disgust you). I feel like I am betraying him for saying that out loud (ha!). He is my best friend and if i could take our sexual relationship out of the picture we would be ok. We have fun together and just had a nice vacation alone. He is sweet to me and I know he loves me (yet I cant help but add a "yeah right then why did he do all of that" asterisk in my head) I want to stay together but I fear it is just blind hope that this will not hurt so badly anymore and miraculously he will change into the model of remorse. I know he feels remorseful but... He says sorry and holds me when I cry but as you all know that is not enough. Maybe I am still in love with the dead dream and am a fool to think it will get better.
Oh also, just found out that we need to move soon (and buying a house has been my personal dream more than getting married or having kids ever was, but now I am not feeling excited because it will make divorce so much more complicated if he cheats again)
and on top of everything else, but far from the least of my concerns, my dad has stage 3 cancer(hes only 55, I am his only child). I am so anxious and stressed and scared. So theres that too. Life doesnt stop just because you want more time to think. :(
Eta- typed on my phone excuse the lack of apostrophes and spelling errors