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Newest Member: FrustratedJoker (61483)

User Topic: Taking Healthy Steps
♀ 39036
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is the healthiest thing you did for yourself to get you through this process?

How did you stay strong when you feel like a limp noodle?

How did you learn to put your kids first and make the right decisions for them...even when it feels like you are making your STBX's life easier?

What was your turning point to put the past behind you and move forward in a healthy way?


Me: BS 37
Him: WS 37
20 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 418 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The best, healthiest thing I've done is getting into frequent, regular counseling right after DDay. It's been over two years and I still go. My counselor has helped me find out who I truly am, find the beautiful creature I was created to be, and given me courage to fly.

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ 40359
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to bump this because I would love to hear from others who have survived this awful hurt and loneliness.

XWH left 6/2013
DDay 8/19/2013
Divorce final 7/14/2014
False reconciliation 6/15-8/15
DDay 2 8/29/15

Posts: 178 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 34146
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have kids, so I can't answer that part, but other things I did:

1. Counseling

2. Read a lot. "Getting Past Your Breakup" was immensely helpful. After D-Day, I realized I was married to an NPD/ASPD (sociopath) so I did a lot of reading about that, to help me understand. Also at and

3. Maintained NC. This is HUGE. With kids, I'm not sure how NC it's possible to be, but set yourself up for success and NC as much as possible.

4. Regular exercise. I was always a runner, but I ramped up my mileage.

5. Ate healthy. Trader Joe's has a bunch of healthy frozen dinners (as healthy as processed food can be) and I relied on them as I was getting back on my feet.

6. Surrounded myself with friends and family. Asking them for help when I needed it. Went out and spent time with them even when I really didn't feel like it -- I was always glad that I did, later.

You'll get through this. Big hugs to you.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

Posts: 4467 | Registered: Dec 2011
♀ 37215
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IRL support.
Process every damn emotion.
Read a ton of books on abandonment, infidelity, codependency.
Read and post on SI (alot).
Took off my rose-colored glasses.
I slowly put my healing and rebuilding on the high priority list. I knew I had to put ME first so at first I just went through the motions and then it became natural.

You WILL get through this and life gets so much better! It takes time but just take it one step at a time.

Posts: 2868 | Registered: Oct 2012
♂ 40268
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello , believe it or not I feel your pain and I will tell you what I did that helped. In the beginning I read and read and talked to whoever would listen because I could not process or understand? Then I reached anger and I hit the gym and yoga and boxing oh and I did something some would call stupid , I bought a motorcycle. A fast one. I don't recommend this to anyone . But I needed it so I did. And I have no regrets. Yet.! Oh I was in counseling before she cheated at her request because I was jealous and controlling. Blah, blah ! Maybe because she was cheating for two years and lying about it !!! Either way the therapist she picked out told me about the affair before I knew and she has helped me greatly in my recovery. I still see her months later once a week . Oh and stay away from the fake friends or friends who do not understand the impact or side with your x. These people are poison. Just my opinion. Hope all is well. Wishing you the best.

"respect? you don't deserve it, you won't get any from me unless you earn it"

Posts: 1028 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
♀ 3703
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stay away from the fake friends or friends who do not understand the impact or side with your x. These people are poison.

BW - 40
DD - 7 years old
D-day OW#1 2/2004;D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 5451 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
♂ 39885
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two months out. My STBX is in an exit affair. She wanted out. She's got it. Strength comes from you. It's there and you will find it in ways you never thought were possible. You will doubt it is there but it is. I never knew I was so strong. My friends and family have been amazing. Be honest and open. Reach out. It's there. I promise.

Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 799 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
♀ 34041
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I to am separated. I to fort lashed out at for dating. I did not cheat, he did. My marriage was over as soon as another's hands were on his dock. My idea is he broke it, he fixes. If he wants to be with me then we will have to remarry. Legally, we are married, mentally I am divorced. My wh knows this.

My tablet does random word corrections

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Nov 2011
♀ 40229
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First and foremost, I put myself first and my needs first for the first time in a long long time.
I did a budget, got a lawyer, got a counselor, and shared with my BFs who had been through this too.
Read, read, and then read some more.
Stay 180 and NC (if possible...don't know the children situation for you).
Make everything about you. Believe me your H is.
I read Passive Agressive, NPD etc. Found out my H has always been PA.
Knowledge and the Why's answered gave me power. Don't know how much it gave others.
Oh, and friends or family that want you to stay in a M that isn't healthy for you really aren't your friends right now. I have two fantastic friends who do not BS me. The give it to me pretty blunt. So when I was starting to put those rose colored glasses back on, they set me straight really quick.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 4376 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Learning how to reconnect my heart and mind again through my senses;

Realizing that the blame and awful person he tried to make me into was all lies;

Not feeling bad about needing self-validation;

ETA that one turing point was shutting off connections to him and her like social networks and not searching or wanting to hear about his life anymore. Lately he wants me to know FSR, (for some reason), and I shut my ears;

Learning about the issues he has helped give understanding and realize I could never have been what he thought he wanted and that no one can because of NPD and passive aggression;

In noodle time, I would tell myself that he was winning all the while I was down; that ow would "get" my kids if I lost it; the more I could do meant that he was not beating me down;

The lies and continued hurt into the future helped me out of my BS fog and was a turning point; hearing that he lied to other people and no one was immune helped me see the person he'd become and realize many things, including my ability to relate to him any longer-it helped kill the feelings I had left to see how many people he was willing to hurt for the affair;

My current mantra is "thank you for the life lessons. I'm going to live my dreams you told me were impossible."

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 8:32 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 3034 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would reiterate the importance of letting your friends and family in to help support you.

It can become easy to isolate yourself - try not to for very long. I did it then would push myself to reach out and appreciated the contact every time.

Me: BW-46
Him: XWH-46

Status: D 2011
Remarried to a kind and wonderful man - 2017

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K.

Posts: 5287 | Registered: Mar 2011
Topic Posts: 12

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