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I am the Other Woman --- An Need Help

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TheOtherWoman posted 9/18/2013 11:26 AM

I have been married for 23 years. 2 1/5 yrs ago I reunited with a man a met 2 yers after my marriage. He was single and back then my husband had cheated on me and I was devastated and ready for anything. After meeting this man we had a very short romance and decided to forgive my husband and make my marriage work so I changed my numbers and never saw this man again until 2.5 yrs ago. He is now married with children and we exchanges #s. Since then we have been secretly meeting for sex and share marital issues, very intimate details. I WANT TO STOP. This is not healthy nor fair for our spouses and our relationship has turned emotionally draining. I confess that I am additect to this relationship. I need help, I want and need to stop this! but every time a tell myself that I will not respond to his calls or texts I fail. I pray, I try to stay occupied, I make plans to stay super busy and nothing helps. This has become a second marriage. It is my 1st and last. EM affairs are NOT worth.

I know I will receive negative comments and I am ready. Any advaise is well received.

Josephine01 posted 9/18/2013 11:32 AM

One of the quickest ways to stop this is to do the right thing. Tell your husband, and tell your bf's OW. If you are not prepared to do this you are not prepared to STOP, nor do you want to. I wish I could be more supportive and I will be once the right thing is done.

Good Luck to you

SisterMilkshake posted 9/18/2013 11:55 AM

I feel if you really wanted to stop you would. Block his numbers. Does he hold a gun to your head to make you read his texts? And what do you mean EA's?You have had two sexual affairs with this person. (not a "romance")

I agree with Josephine. You need to out yourself to your BH and to the OBS.

rachelc posted 9/18/2013 11:58 AM

confessing this to your husband and outing your affair to this man's wife may be the kick in the pants you need to change your life. Life will get crazy, and it might be your ticket to getting back your integrity.
Do it.
And don't wait one minute....

I'm also a former wayward. I wanted a real authentic life and that was my first step.

[This message edited by rachelc at 11:59 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]

kickboxer posted 9/18/2013 12:01 PM

You need to fess up to both your husband and the OM's wife.

Since you admit to feeling addicted, and your judgment cannot be trusted, you need to impose boundaries on yourself.

Telling both of the betrayed spouses is a good start.

You need to be prepared that your husband might want an immediate separation. You might consider putting a plan in place just in case he asks you to leave the marital home.

Once you tell the other BS, you should go NO CONTACT completely with both of them. They need to figure out what to do with their marriage, and that is no concern of yours. LEAVE THEM (HIM!!!) ALONE!

Then you'll have to own your actions. So what if he cheated on you 20 years ago. You can't blame anyone for your behavior but yourself. There's no excuse for cheating, no matter how "miserable" you thought you were. Cheating is a character flaw, and no one deserves to be a victim of it.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 9/18/2013 12:03 PM

SM I think in this case EA = Extramarital Affair (rather than Emotional A)

sunnyrain posted 9/18/2013 12:18 PM

Congratulations on wanting to stop your affair! I am a prior OW. I am willing to help, as able, based on your terms.

You say you've tried to stop, and can't. Are your attempts at NC getting better, in the sense that you're able to maintain NC for longer periods of time?

Cold turkey did not work for me. I was, however, able to successfully wean myself off of the affair.

Are you willing to tell us how long you've been able to maintain NC?

Are you willing to change your phone/email accounts?

Do you have a friend that can help keep you accountable?

SisterMilkshake posted 9/18/2013 12:27 PM

Lucky ~ That makes more sense.

Sorry for my misunderstanding TheOtherWoman.

5454real posted 9/18/2013 12:34 PM

as a betrayed husband, I think it is great that you came here asking for help. it's a very brave thing to do and shows that you want to make changes.

technically, even though it was 20 years ago, you are what is considered to be a Mad Hatter. there is a thread by that title in the I can relate forum. I might suggest you also look there for a while.

I'm glad you had the strength to ask for help.

Unagie posted 9/18/2013 12:34 PM

You need to come clean. Confess to your betrayed husband (BH) and confess to your affair partner's (AP) betrayed wife (BW). Then get into counseling. This is going to be rough but it's necessary. Be honest, answer all questions, volunteer as much as you remember and if you remember more tell your BH. Write a timeline. Also figure out why you did it because him cheating is not a valid reason for your choice. You've got some work to do.

ETA: I started this post about an hour ago so some advice might have already been stated.

[This message edited by Unagie at 12:35 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]

TheOtherWoman posted 9/18/2013 12:35 PM

I want to thank you all so much for your replies. I never saved his # so there is nothing to erase. I am so ready to stop this that I am now planning on telling my husband and I know that he will ask me to change my # and I will. I don't have to worry about relocating if he requests a separation since the house we live in was purchased by my parents and left to me when they passed away and althought I was already married in my state inherited valuables do not become marital assets.
As far as telling the man's wife, I WILL NOT TELL HER; I have to work on my marriage and feel that he should let her know if/when he is ready; I will not make her life misserable in the process. HE NEEDS TO TELL HER, NOT ME. But it is my obligation to inform my partner.

You all have given me good advise and reading this will help me see my situation as is. From other's eyes.

Thank you again.

TheOtherWoman posted 9/18/2013 12:41 PM

To SisterMilkshake:

The 1st time I met this man I was separated bacause my husband cheated on me; I was not divorced but legaly separated and I was ready to start dating again. The 1st time our relationship was out and we went out just like anyone who is dating.

The 2nd time is an affair as we had to meet privatly and hide our relation and communication.

TheOtherWoman posted 9/18/2013 12:58 PM


Thank you for your response.
I know it is very easy to read what I NEED to do... But to be honest, this is very hard to do but needs to be done. I actually have to see my situation as alcoholics who want to stop drinking do... one day at a time. I mean I know this is wrong, I know I am hurting many ppl with my actions and yet, it has been hard to stop but like you all say it here "it is the right thing to do" and I am ready to face the consequences.

In response to your questions:

You say you've tried to stop, and can't. Are your attempts at NC getting better, in the sense that you're able to maintain NC for longer periods of time?

Me: To be honest, and I know some will not beleive me, I have never called him or texted him first, I reply, that is the problem. Sometimes he does not contact me for 5 to 7 days and actually feel free thinking that he will not contact me again but then he calls or texts and there I go...

Are you willing to tell us how long you've been able to maintain NC? YES!!! I CAN!! that's what I need; I know it sounds childish but only a person who has gone through something like this can understand.

Are you willing to change your phone/email accounts? Absolutely!

Do you have a friend that can help keep you accountable? No. No one knows. No one, I have never shared this part of my life.

DeadMumWalking posted 9/18/2013 12:58 PM

I have bumped Maia's Withdrawal Survival Guide, I think you will find a lot of helpful information and techniques in there to help you with NC and withdrawal from your AP.

I wish you and your BH the best.

Unagie posted 9/18/2013 13:16 PM

I understand your feelings on telling his BW and respect them. I would just ask that you think about it. I think it would be devastating for her to find out years later if he chooses to not tell her. Also your BH may choose to tell her. Be ready for anything, no one can predict the reaction of a BS.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 9/18/2013 13:41 PM

Telling your husband will be scary as hell, but you can do it!!

I wish I had confessed. Answer his questions truthfully.

I recommend reading "How to help your spouse heal from your affair", It's a quick, but amazing read.

Welcome to SI. It's a great place. If and when you tell your H, show him this site. My BS and I are both on here, and it's been a lifesaver!

sunnyrain posted 9/18/2013 13:47 PM

Me: To be honest, and I know some will not beleive me, I have never called him or texted him first, I reply, that is the problem. Sometimes he does not contact me for 5 to 7 days and actually feel free thinking that he will not contact me again but then he calls or texts and there I go...

OK. So you've never tried just sitting on one of his texts or calls without replying? Or you've tried, but only made it X amount of hours?

What are you willing to do today to help yourself?

Are you willing to block his number today? Are you willing to get a new phone today? Are you willing to confess today?

I think it's very important to work on what you are willing to do today, and not to put too much on your plate at once.

Maybe just starting this thread was enough for one day?

Josephine01 posted 9/18/2013 13:56 PM

You related your situation to an alcoholics. In this case, you would need to stop cold turkey. The only day by day would be your feelings towards alcoholism, but the drinking would have to stop which means NC what so ever. What if he calls you again? What if he finds a way to get bump in to you somehow?

Can you tell him your done. Can you write a NC letter? If you still feel, as an alcoholic might, that you need to get him out of your system first, you are not ready. The only reason I ask these questions is that if you go to your husband and promise NC and break it, you could hurt him deeply. As you know because you have been through it.

When you tell him you have to be honest with him, which begins with being honest with yourself. I can see that you are trying.

Girlietoo posted 9/18/2013 20:13 PM

I realize I am in the minority of BS but I would not want my WS's AP to contact me. My marriage is my business and the only thing I would have wanted his mistress to do is to stay the hell away from my family. Period.

My suggestion is to tell this man that you will be telling your spouse and you do not wish further contact with him. Should he not honour your request for further contact then you will have to reveal your affair to his wife.

Girlietoo posted 9/18/2013 20:16 PM

Oh and yes, certainly end it before disclosing to your husband. At least give him the peace of knowing that you ended it because you knew it was wrong, not because you got caught. And believe me, eventually you will be caught. Do not give him the "job" of making you end the affair or keeping you on the straight and narrow. That isn't his burden to carry.

I also recommend reading how to help your spouse heal from your affair. Follow it to the letter, it really does help.

[This message edited by Girlietoo at 8:19 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]

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