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LA44 posted 9/18/2013 11:52 AM

I am upset. We are still at this conference – we leave tomorrow and for the most part have been having a great time but I won’t lie. Being around the AP and finally seeing her in the flesh has not been easy and since my imagination is excellent, know the rest.

My H is golfing. I was looking at this email notes. Yes, this would be considered snooping. I found a note from the President from back in FEBRUARY that said, “How are you doing?” My H responded that things were well esp biz wise and he named 3-4 people who have been a great help. The AP was one of them with regards to a particular situation. Ok. My heart fell. I read the notes about that situation as they were happening back in Feb. (as he showed me all correspondence from her) and there was nothing she did that was so incredible. Trust me. Her colleague was the one taking the lead and she was being cc’d and making comments but nothing that required special mention to the prez. It bothers me that he actually named her as being exceptional when a) she was not and b) I was still in the bawling my eyes out stage. Reading that it is like he was making some kind of connection with her through his president bc you know that would be forwarded on. Or was he trying to stay in her good graces? What?

So now, here I sit having seen this note written 7 months ago and I wonder what to do. Do I let it go? I don’t know that I can. He will be upset that I was looking at his notes but he should have nothing to hide anyway, right? Still….I want to respect his privacy.

Again, the AP has been around us for two days. I have been communicating my needs to my H. I do feel a tension here from him that comes/goes. I have asked him twice to be more outwardly demonstrative bc I feel like I need more. Last night I bawled my eyes bc I felt like I needed too after all the lead up time to get here and now actually seeing her. Reading this note from 7 months ago makes me want to cry all over again.


catlover50 posted 9/18/2013 12:11 PM


Gosh, this is tricky.

I would tell your H that you've been feeling very triggery and felt compelled to reassure yourself by looking at his email. That what you found upset you. Then calmly ask him to explain his thought processes at the time. It was a while ago.

This whole situation must be so stressful. I had to be in the same room as the OW 5 months after Dday (2 years after A ended). It was hard, but I had lots of friends fussing over me and my H stayed by my side touching me. But it was only an hour before she left with her tail between her legs; a whole conference--yikes!!

Your H should be aware of how amazing you have been, considering, and do whatever you need.

Good luck!

AFrayedKnot posted 9/18/2013 12:31 PM

He will be upset that I was looking at his notes but he should have nothing to hide anyway, right? Still….I want to respect his privacy.

^^^this is not transparency

You should NEVER have to justify yourself for looking at anything.

Transparency is a fundamental requirement of R and in my opinion any relationship.

Honesty is also a fundamental requirement of R. If something is bothering you have to be honest about it.

(((LA44))) I am sorry you are struggling. Don't let yourself struggle alone.

rachelc posted 9/18/2013 12:53 PM


I agree with Chico... and what's the thing about privacy? There is no such thing in a marriage unless you're on the pot.

I wish I had advice. I would feel just as you do.

Rebreather posted 9/18/2013 12:58 PM

Totally agree with the others. I think cat has great advice on how to address this with him. He was obviously all fogged out in February. Hard to accept, I know. But yes, you address it with him.

confused615 posted 9/18/2013 13:07 PM

I would tell him what you have found...and he should be transparent with you about this has nothing to do with snooping.

And I would ask him why he felt the need to praise her to the president of the company..especially considering you were at home crying because of their actions. I think that would bother me...a lot.


heartache101 posted 9/18/2013 13:17 PM


Wow he praised her???
Yeah he needs to address that.
I actually think I would wait till I got home to bring it up myself. Maybe email the email to yourself so you can reread it. And do a little searching to find out eactly where he was at that time?? I mean who praises the AP? The person that is in the affair or has feelings for the AP. That is where my mind would go with that one. I am sure yours has to.
You can't change what he did then. Just have him answer to you now. And to promise to you he will never praise her again whether she has earned it or not. She should never ever be praised by your spouse. JMO.
I am truly sorry.

brokensmile322 posted 9/18/2013 13:19 PM


If I am reading your timeline correctly, you would have found out about A in Dec 2012. You are reading an email from 3 months later in Feb 2013. right?

Your WH was very likely still foggy then. Try not to accuse. Let him know that you felt triggery and you looked. The email upset you because he was praising her.

Ask him why he felt it was warranted back then? Why he felt it was ok to do. Then ask him if we do the same thing again now. Would he feel compelled to praise her now.

^^I think the answer to this question is what is important. Yes, it sucks and it hurts that he did that, but as your tagline says....R is not linear.

Can he explain to you how he has grown in the past 7 months? Hopefully he will have a very different answer and reasoning than he did back in February.

Hugs! You are immensely strong and courageous! Hold your head high!!

kickboxer posted 9/18/2013 14:54 PM

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all these emotions right now.

I'm curious as to why she came to town on business, and planned to visit your FIL? Is she an old family friend?

Is it possible that his timeline felt very foggy after the affair was disclosed? Could he have thought he was telling you 2011 when he meant 2010? I'm not making excuses for's just that I've asked repeatedly for a timeline from my WH, and he just can't seem to put one together at this point. All he can tell me is that one of his ONS affairs happened "last Fall".'s Fall again, so a year has passed, and things still appear to be very foggy. I honestly believe my WH has a significant chunk of time that is very murky, because he was too consumed with balancing infidelity with his real life.

Can you go back to Oct 2011, and see if there was anything significant there? Could there have been a second visit? Could his dad have confronted him a year after that kiss? Again, not offering excuses. I just know, based on my experience, that getting dates/events mixed up has been a challenge we're dealing with in our marriage.

The words of praise...yeah...that was uncalled for. Again, who knows why he threw her name out there -- maybe he was worried that it would look obvious if he mentioned others, but not if he was covering up something by not mentioning her name. Who the hell knows.

You have every right to be upset. But you also have a different husband today than you did a few months ago. He's in a different mental state, and he's more removed from the A. I do think you should discuss it before you go home as 1) It will eat you alive and 2) The kids aren't there.

Much love and many prayers for strength, wisdom, and transparency.

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