Last week, after another major drama night, I told him that I believe he has told me the truth, however, there is a small part of me that still doubt him. He looks at me very sincerely, and swears he has told me everything.
He loves me dearly, I have no doubt whatsoever. How he chose to deal with his issues were permanently damaging to me. Not to him, but to me.
I have to stop thinking that he still lying to me, I have to put it aside and move on. Why, why do I still have these thoughts? Is it an obsession, I keep bringing it up to hurt myself. To hurt us. I realize it is less than 3 months since his last confession, but dear God, when will these thoughts stop.
If it were'nt for this site, I would definetely think I was going crazy. But I am not, I am trying very hard to understand what he did, why he did it, and the fact that he has told me everything.
You're not that far from your DDAY so this is normal. I hate it, but it is true. It gets better later but he has to do the work. If he really takes the step of a remorseful WS, you'll feel better. But I understand how you feel. It's like the affair is happening right at this moment. I have to remind myself sometimes that it is over, it's been over and it is not happening again. Times stands still when something like this happens. Just remind yourself that it is over!
I'm so sorry for your pain and I know exactly how you feel. I think it's so hard because we didn't choose this. I tell that to my husband all of the time. I feel like I was given a life sentence of pain and affair memories because he felt like being selfish and he needed attention and instead of using his big boy words he took matters into his own hands and allowed a complete stranger into our life and into my head which 4.5 years later I still get to think about every friggin day. The only comfort I can find when the hurt is too big is that I know in my heart 100% that if my husband had been able to see into the future and all of the devastation he would bring to me that he would have never done what he did. Honestly, I never imagined in my wildest dreams the level of hurt an affair would cause to the betrayed. I can tell you that although I haven't been able to get rid of the thoughts, they are way way less now than at 3 months out. I also know for a fact that my husband thinks about what he did every day and my guess is your husband does too--what they did comes with a heavy price for everyone. I know you feel really alone with your thoughts right now, but this is a time you can look to your husband for support--he may not want to bring anything up regarding checking in with your feelings for fear of causing you more pain. That's a common thing for a FWS to do. Tell him how you feel even if its 50 times a day. Don't carry the weight by yourself. I found myself a lot of times sick of the whole thing too--I didn't want to ask one more question or cry one more tear or share one more feeling, but the more I tried to stuff it down the worse the pain and thoughts would get. Become a team in getting through this--lean on each other. Some days I don't just lean on him--he carries me through--as he should.
