We ended up arguing over email about the pending divorce and it got really ugly. I am not an angry, mean spirited person but I just get so angry at him and her for all the pain they have caused me and her husband. And of course he had to make jabs at me about me being friends with the OW's husband and was saying that I tell him what is in the divorce decree...which I have not.
The hardest part after confrontations like this is that I end up in a deep depression for a couple days and just cry and hurt. I start thinking about how I didn't see this coming and how dare they steal our future. For people to lack a moral compass and do something so devastating and hurtful to people they loved. And how can two people be so delusional that they believe they can build a safe, trusting relationship on such deceit and lies. Oh yes, they are STILL denying the affair though they are both divorcing their spouses and taking vacations together. They could be married one day and STILL deny they ever had an affair. Of course by that time, I will not give a rip.
Okay, this helped a little bit.
I read something like less than 10% of these types of relationships ever continue. And for exactly the reason you mention, that you can't build a new relationship on a foundation of other peoples pain, lies and betrayal.
They will never trust eachother. In the beginning, they may cling to it because they F**Ked up so incredibly to get there, but then it will fall apart.
The boogeyman will get them both. Or Karma. Whatever you want to call it.
He deserves you to be angry and mean to him!
I'm okay if we don't communicate, but once any communication starts I just feel pain.
mof2, hugs to you. I understand this so well. Believe it or not, I still feel this way now and again.
But, I can promise you that the pain and the anger do lessen.
I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. I hated that period of time, when we still had to communicate to get things figured out and finalized. I would feel relatively okay, and all it took was a text message from him to send me into an emotional tailspin. All I can say is it does get better as time passes. (bet you're sick of hearing that, right? annoying... but at least it's true.)
During that time, I got some great advice from my father. I was so angry, so blindsided, just so fucking hurt that I wanted to confront him about everything. My dad reminded me that this divorce WAS happening, even though I didn't want it, and the sooner it was over the sooner I'd be able to start healing. Fighting with XWH about every little detail was not going to alleviate any of my pain, it was only going to prolong it. My dad told me to keep my eye on the goal of getting it (the divorced) done. "Grease the path," he said. "Don't throw up roadblocks." This helped me choose my battles a lot better. Some things regarding the divorce details were worth fighting about, others were not and were really just roadblocks preventing me from arriving at the unwanted (but necessary) goal of being divorced from him.
I'm not explaining it as well as my dad did, but I hope it helps a little. For me, once I felt more in control of the interaction, more pro-active and less re-active, then I was less affected (depressed) afterward. It still hurt, but I was able to rebound a little quicker, KWIM?
As far as them owning up to what they have done, you need to let that expectation go. Owning up to their actions would require courage, honesty, and a moral compass, as you said. Neither one of them possess those things. They can't call upon traits they don't have any more than they can fly without wings.
You know the truth, and deep down inside them, so do they.
(((mof2))) More hugs to you. Hang in there.
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. ~ Alfred Adler Letting go of the outcome is about the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. ~ LosferWords
