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I have found a major lie

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LA44 posted 9/18/2013 13:20 PM

In follow up to my last post, I have found a KEY lie since I started reading the emails on my H’s computer this morning. Stay with me here….

My H’s A ended Dec. 2011. He told me that the AP came to our town Oct. 2011 to visit my FIL and his wife as she was there on biz. My H went to their place and it was here that he was seen kissing her by his dad. His dad was shocked and confronted him the next day. Asked him if he loved me (yes). Asked him if he knew what he stood to lose if this continued. He told his dad, “it is nothing to me. Do not worry. This is DONE.” My H told me, “it was in that moment that the reality of what I had been doing came crashing upon me. I knew it had to end. I always knew this. My dad woke me up.” That story comforted me bc two months later, the A did end (or this is what I have been told) and I felt my FIL had played an instrumental role in waking up H and H was FINALLY coming out of a fog.

Not the case.

I just read that this visit with her took place in Oct. 2010. The A still had more then one year to go. So…whatever my FIL said to him that day did nothing to stop my H. In fact, there are at least 5 more messages between Oct-Dec. 2010 (no doubt there were way more calls and BBM’s). One note he asks if she will be at the Jan. 2011 conference. She was and they roomed together there. Another note has him asking his cousin for his expertise with a childcare issue she was facing. That note was just a week or two after the kiss was seen.

I just want to get on a plane and get the hell out of here. I want to see my boys. I cannot fathom spending anymore time with him here at this conference. I am contemplating a separation. I am typing this in tears bc all the work we have done has been so good but being here and sensing his tension here/feeling he is not totally with me had me searching. And with that search I can see that this one part of the story that he maintains “woke him up”, is a lie. It never was how he explained it.

I am so so sad.

Rebreather posted 9/18/2013 13:34 PM

Oh honey.

I am so, so sorry.

So it ended when he said it did, but he lied about the "why" it ended? And of course, your FIL never said anything to you in those 12 months?


Have you considered calling him off the golf course? I would. Tell him, "come back to me now, or this ends." If he balks, then go to the airport.

Jrazz posted 9/18/2013 13:40 PM

What rebreather said.


rachelc posted 9/18/2013 13:52 PM

or... be gone when he comes back. Leave him a note, tell him you're on the way home and its up to him to win you back, starting with honesty but that right now, you've had it.

((LA)) there is always more to the story and why don't WS realize not telling us, having to find it out by ourselves, that is the dealbreaker.

hugs to you sister!! You have worked so hard!!

bionicgal posted 9/18/2013 14:00 PM

How long have you guys been doing well? Are you in MC? This seems like an issue to get help with. From the outide, I guess that I wonder if our mind doesn't construct things certain ways thqt aren't always right. Your husband may perceive that moment with your FIL as being significant when it wasn't. Or it was significant later. Or, maybe it was a phone conversation later. Our minds try to create structure and meaning, but most importantly, why would he lie about it? What would be the purpose?

I guess you have to determine if this a meaningful omission/ mistruth, a mistake, or a misunderstanding. I think it does matter if he meant to mislead you, and I think you owe him the chance to explain that.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 2:08 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]

confused615 posted 9/18/2013 14:01 PM

He has allowed you to believe this lie throughout R. Yes..this is a major lie.

I agree with rachel...leave his email open and be gone when he gets back.

LA44 posted 9/18/2013 14:02 PM

Yes, Rebreather...well, apparently it ended in Dec. 2011 but now I really don't know what to believe.

It is raining really hard here so they have called off their game and he will be here soon.

I just found another note between him and his bf dated April 2012 in which his bf is suggesting he stay busy when "she arrives" and be reactive not proactive....I have forwarded it to my in box. It seems like his bf is telling him not to be with her.


confused615 posted 9/18/2013 14:09 PM

I think you need to forward everything in his email account into yours..before you read any more..and before he gets back. There may be a lot more to find...and you may not be able to handle much more right now.

Im so sorry. You have always been so positive and sure of your WH and your R. Im..just so sorry,LA.


meplusfour posted 9/18/2013 14:21 PM

I am so sorry.

I'm not sure whether it is a good idea to leave. It might be better to confront and discuss this issue away from your boys. If you need to, you can always try and catch an earlier flight home or sit apart from WH on the flight back.

I would second Confused615's suggestion to download the emails. There may be more to find.

((LA44)) Sending you strength.

refuz2bavictim posted 9/18/2013 14:24 PM

sinsof thefather posted 9/18/2013 14:28 PM

I think you need to forward everything in his email account into yours..before you read any more..and before he gets back. There may be a lot more to find...and you may not be able to handle much more right now.

This ^^^

I am absolutely gutted for you LA. He's still been lying. At this stage you can't trust anything he's told you so far has been the truth. Forward EVERYTHING in his e-mail while you can.

LA44 posted 9/18/2013 14:29 PM

I will confront him and I have no clue how to download emails.

Bionic, we have been doing well since...April and then better each month. Since telling my parents in July we became closer. He tells me he is repulsed by his past actions.

As soon as he gets here I am going to ask him to explain to me what his bf's note of April 2012 means. It is the most recent x-change that seems to imply that he was at least tempted or was preparing himself should that occur well after he said it ended Dec. 2011.

Also bionic, we are both in IC and sometimes do MC.

heartache101 posted 9/18/2013 14:46 PM

Forward all emails to you so he can't delete them.
Click select all.
Then hit the forward button and type in your email...
Good luck.

confused615 posted 9/18/2013 14:51 PM

Forward all of the emails in the inbox..and in the "sent"file ..and the "trash" file to your own email account. One only you have access to. There may be more to find in those.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:51 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]

crazyblindsided posted 9/18/2013 14:51 PM

((LA)) there is always more to the story and why don't WS realize not telling us, having to find it out by ourselves, that is the dealbreaker.

I have to echo this as I ALWAYS believe there is more to the story and it's usually a part that is going to hurt us deeply. At least that's how it went in my case.

It's them still trying to protect themselves.

I'm so sorry.

tired girl posted 9/18/2013 15:00 PM


I am curious as to why you have felt he has been distant with you on this trip? Have you not had access to these emails up until this point? Or is there something else going on that is bothering him?

Rebreather posted 9/18/2013 15:20 PM

Get the emails so you can go through them when you can breathe.

Good luck honey. He's going to gloss this shit over. Just...listen. See if he makes up more than one story. If he does, you know its all lies.

LA44 posted 9/18/2013 16:25 PM

Hi guys. I am calmer. We spoke. He has been on his knees (literally) letting me know that our R has not been fake. This I believe as I have his actions to recall - the talks, letters of apology, cards, counselling, tears, opening up to my parents and bf's.

He believed that his dad confronted him in 2011. He can now see very clearly that it was 2010. I actually think he believed it happened the way he said it did. Maybe he wanted to believe that his dad's words changed him that day to be a better person. Sure they were significant words but he continued the A regardless of what his dad said. At some point in 2011 - apparently Sept conference she wanted way more then just sex. He knew it could go no further. It wasn't fun anymore.

He said his behavior from start to finish was ugly but by Jan 2011 he was more aware of that ugliness

He is working on something for me now.

As far as being here. He has been holding me, my hand,lots of laughs, telling me how good I look. I just felt a tension though and with AP here maybe that's why. Maybe it was too much to be around a person that reminds him of a time he now loathes.


bionicgal posted 9/18/2013 16:39 PM

I have been thinking about you all day. I realize I do not know you or your H, and he could be 100% contrite and honest, or 100% devious and deceptive and I would have no way of knowing.

But, I do know that people are falliable, and it seems entirely possible that he would either misremember or accidentally misrepresent something when it sounds like a whole year passed from the end of the affair to when you found out?

One of the hardest things to accept is that my H was a dishonest and dishonorable person for 3 months of our marriage. Pretty much anything he did or said in that time period can't be counted on, and if he had 10 orgasms or 12, or 2 ah-ha moments or 4, or whether he lied boldfaced to me 3 or 8 times, in the end - he was still dishonest and dishonorable.

That being said, I question why on earth you would go on this excavating expedition while there in an already stressful situation? (Gently) Seeing your past couple of emails it almost seems like you were looking for something.

I can promise you this, in the same situation, if any other BS on here were to have new access to bunches of emails from the affair, we would find something we didn't know or an inconsistency of some kind. The WS were in a fog for the time during the affair and somewhat after - reality was totally distorted. We were not there, and we didn't have the affair, so there will always be s&it we didn't know, whether we like it or not. (Maybe I am writing this more to myself that you tonight!)

So, try to hang in there and allow yourself some time to process this and to talk with him. The worst fear for all of us is that we are somehow being duped, and that we are in danger of this happening again. You need to look at his behavior with you after DDay to best ascertain the situation in that regard.

Hang in there!

[This message edited by bionicgal at 4:43 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]

Rebreather posted 9/18/2013 16:51 PM

and the other emails?

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