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Newest Member: sylvie (45742)

User Topic: I have found a major lie
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Shocked  Posted: 1:20 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In follow up to my last post, I have found a KEY lie since I started reading the emails on my H’s computer this morning. Stay with me here….

My H’s A ended Dec. 2011. He told me that the AP came to our town Oct. 2011 to visit my FIL and his wife as she was there on biz. My H went to their place and it was here that he was seen kissing her by his dad. His dad was shocked and confronted him the next day. Asked him if he loved me (yes). Asked him if he knew what he stood to lose if this continued. He told his dad, “it is nothing to me. Do not worry. This is DONE.” My H told me, “it was in that moment that the reality of what I had been doing came crashing upon me. I knew it had to end. I always knew this. My dad woke me up.” That story comforted me bc two months later, the A did end (or this is what I have been told) and I felt my FIL had played an instrumental role in waking up H and H was FINALLY coming out of a fog.

Not the case.

I just read that this visit with her took place in Oct. 2010. The A still had more then one year to go. So…whatever my FIL said to him that day did nothing to stop my H. In fact, there are at least 5 more messages between Oct-Dec. 2010 (no doubt there were way more calls and BBM’s). One note he asks if she will be at the Jan. 2011 conference. She was and they roomed together there. Another note has him asking his cousin for his expertise with a childcare issue she was facing. That note was just a week or two after the kiss was seen.

I just want to get on a plane and get the hell out of here. I want to see my boys. I cannot fathom spending anymore time with him here at this conference. I am contemplating a separation. I am typing this in tears bc all the work we have done has been so good but being here and sensing his tension here/feeling he is not totally with me had me searching. And with that search I can see that this one part of the story that he maintains “woke him up”, is a lie. It never was how he explained it.

I am so so sad.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2605 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh honey.

I am so, so sorry.

So it ended when he said it did, but he lied about the "why" it ended? And of course, your FIL never said anything to you in those 12 months?

Ouch.

Have you considered calling him off the golf course? I would. Tell him, "come back to me now, or this ends." If he balks, then go to the airport.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6646 | Registered: Jan 2011
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What rebreather said.

(((LA44)))


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18315 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

or... be gone when he comes back. Leave him a note, tell him you're on the way home and its up to him to win you back, starting with honesty but that right now, you've had it.


((LA)) there is always more to the story and why don't WS realize not telling us, having to find it out by ourselves, that is the dealbreaker.

hugs to you sister!! You have worked so hard!!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5520 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long have you guys been doing well? Are you in MC? This seems like an issue to get help with. From the outide, I guess that I wonder if our mind doesn't construct things certain ways thqt aren't always right. Your husband may perceive that moment with your FIL as being significant when it wasn't. Or it was significant later. Or, maybe it was a phone conversation later. Our minds try to create structure and meaning, but most importantly, why would he lie about it? What would be the purpose?

I guess you have to determine if this a meaningful omission/ mistruth, a mistake, or a misunderstanding. I think it does matter if he meant to mislead you, and I think you owe him the chance to explain that.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 2:08 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2156 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has allowed you to believe this lie throughout R. Yes..this is a major lie.

I agree with rachel...leave his email open and be gone when he gets back.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7915 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, Rebreather...well, apparently it ended in Dec. 2011 but now I really don't know what to believe.

It is raining really hard here so they have called off their game and he will be here soon.

I just found another note between him and his bf dated April 2012 in which his bf is suggesting he stay busy when "she arrives" and be reactive not proactive....I have forwarded it to my in box. It seems like his bf is telling him not to be with her.

WTF?


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2605 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you need to forward everything in his email account into yours..before you read any more..and before he gets back. There may be a lot more to find...and you may not be able to handle much more right now.

Im so sorry. You have always been so positive and sure of your WH and your R. Im..just so sorry,LA.


(((((LA44)))))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7915 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
meplusfour
♀ 38958
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry.

I'm not sure whether it is a good idea to leave. It might be better to confront and discuss this issue away from your boys. If you need to, you can always try and catch an earlier flight home or sit apart from WH on the flight back.

I would second Confused615's suggestion to download the emails. There may be more to find.

((LA44)) Sending you strength.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 392 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
refuz2bavictim
♀ 27176
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage



BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
sinsof thefather
♀ 29295
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you need to forward everything in his email account into yours..before you read any more..and before he gets back. There may be a lot more to find...and you may not be able to handle much more right now.

This ^^^

I am absolutely gutted for you LA. He's still been lying. At this stage you can't trust anything he's told you so far has been the truth. Forward EVERYTHING in his e-mail while you can.
(((LA)))


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1894 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will confront him and I have no clue how to download emails.

Bionic, we have been doing well since...April and then better each month. Since telling my parents in July we became closer. He tells me he is repulsed by his past actions.

As soon as he gets here I am going to ask him to explain to me what his bf's note of April 2012 means. It is the most recent x-change that seems to imply that he was at least tempted or was preparing himself should that occur well after he said it ended Dec. 2011.

Also bionic, we are both in IC and sometimes do MC.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2605 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
heartache101
♀ 26465
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

La
Forward all emails to you so he can't delete them.
Click select all.
Then hit the forward button and type in your email...
Good luck.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3198 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forward all of the emails in the inbox..and in the "sent"file ..and the "trash" file to your own email account. One only you have access to. There may be more to find in those.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:51 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7915 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
crazyblindsided
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((LA)) there is always more to the story and why don't WS realize not telling us, having to find it out by ourselves, that is the dealbreaker.

I have to echo this as I ALWAYS believe there is more to the story and it's usually a part that is going to hurt us deeply. At least that's how it went in my case.

It's them still trying to protect themselves.

I'm so sorry.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
tired girl
♀ 28053
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LA,

I am curious as to why you have felt he has been distant with you on this trip? Have you not had access to these emails up until this point? Or is there something else going on that is bothering him?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5156 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get the emails so you can go through them when you can breathe.

Good luck honey. He's going to gloss this shit over. Just...listen. See if he makes up more than one story. If he does, you know its all lies.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6646 | Registered: Jan 2011
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guys. I am calmer. We spoke. He has been on his knees (literally) letting me know that our R has not been fake. This I believe as I have his actions to recall - the talks, letters of apology, cards, counselling, tears, opening up to my parents and bf's.

He believed that his dad confronted him in 2011. He can now see very clearly that it was 2010. I actually think he believed it happened the way he said it did. Maybe he wanted to believe that his dad's words changed him that day to be a better person. Sure they were significant words but he continued the A regardless of what his dad said. At some point in 2011 - apparently Sept conference she wanted way more then just sex. He knew it could go no further. It wasn't fun anymore.

He said his behavior from start to finish was ugly but by Jan 2011 he was more aware of that ugliness

He is working on something for me now.

As far as being here. He has been holding me, my hand,lots of laughs, telling me how good I look. I just felt a tension though and with AP here maybe that's why. Maybe it was too much to be around a person that reminds him of a time he now loathes.

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2605 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been thinking about you all day. I realize I do not know you or your H, and he could be 100% contrite and honest, or 100% devious and deceptive and I would have no way of knowing.

But, I do know that people are falliable, and it seems entirely possible that he would either misremember or accidentally misrepresent something when it sounds like a whole year passed from the end of the affair to when you found out?

One of the hardest things to accept is that my H was a dishonest and dishonorable person for 3 months of our marriage. Pretty much anything he did or said in that time period can't be counted on, and if he had 10 orgasms or 12, or 2 ah-ha moments or 4, or whether he lied boldfaced to me 3 or 8 times, in the end - he was still dishonest and dishonorable.

That being said, I question why on earth you would go on this excavating expedition while there in an already stressful situation? (Gently) Seeing your past couple of emails it almost seems like you were looking for something.

I can promise you this, in the same situation, if any other BS on here were to have new access to bunches of emails from the affair, we would find something we didn't know or an inconsistency of some kind. The WS were in a fog for the time during the affair and somewhat after - reality was totally distorted. We were not there, and we didn't have the affair, so there will always be s&it we didn't know, whether we like it or not. (Maybe I am writing this more to myself that you tonight!)

So, try to hang in there and allow yourself some time to process this and to talk with him. The worst fear for all of us is that we are somehow being duped, and that we are in danger of this happening again. You need to look at his behavior with you after DDay to best ascertain the situation in that regard.

Hang in there!

[This message edited by bionicgal at 4:43 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2156 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and the other emails?


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6646 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 26
Pages: 1 · 2

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