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scream posted 9/18/2013 13:20 PM

As a ws I'm wondering if there are any BS out there that get upset if their spouce looks at their phones or emails? I know my wife has been open to sharing if I ask. As a WS I look now more than I ever thought I would. I'm so paniced that she will find someone better...wouldn't be hard. And I worry. Do you ever feel like your WS doesn't have that right?

PrincessPeach06 posted 9/18/2013 13:26 PM

He will ask for my phone and I have no problem giving it to him. Although usually its to look at a setting or something. My only paranoia is that he is checking something to see of I have access to an app or something HE may be hiding but his phone is fair game so I guess not.

I have nothing to hide so if that's what he is looking for he will be sorely disappointed. I know he trusts me - at least that's what he says.

AFrayedKnot posted 9/18/2013 13:42 PM

I believe Honesty and Transparency are not only a two way street, they are the foundations for any healthy relationship.

scream posted 9/18/2013 13:50 PM

Chicho....something you posted somewhere else made me ask this question. I really wanted to know bs and ws thoughts on this. Thanks for responding. Princess, thank you for your candor. I guess a jealous side I never showed and was afriad I really had has been brought out by all this shit I have done.I know my teach can do better. That scares me. Always has.

Aubrie posted 9/18/2013 14:26 PM

My husband has always been open with his phone, email, FB, etc. Alot of times I log-in and send quotes, texts while he's driving, or post pictures at his request.

There was an instance of slight panic about a year ago when we got our first smartphones. (Yes, we're technologically behind the rest of the world.)

I reached for his phone and he came unglued on me. Enter a slight panic and fear of, "Ummm ok. What is your problem and what are you hiding?"

It took me a while get my nerve up and approach him about the situation. I explained his reaction to my reaching for his phone, and how it made me feel. I told him I acted that why during my A and while I didn't believe he was cheating on me, his reaction was concerning for me.

We had a discussion and he explained his reaction to me which stemmed from FOO/poverty issues. And I explained I wasn't trying to take/steal anything from him. I was just trying to see the difference in that one setting on our phones. That is all.

Since then, never an issue. He's open with me, I'm open with him. Neither of us have an issue with being open. The WS/BS titles have nothing to do with it. It's a common courtesy that we, as spouses and best friends, choose to share with one another.

ETA:

I know my teach can do better. That scares me. Always has.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 2:28 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]

Lonelygirl10 posted 9/18/2013 14:28 PM

My WS secretly looked in my phone for months after Dday. I suspected it and questioned him, and he denied it. He would repeat things that I had said to friends though, and I felt crazy. He finally confessed months later. I was very upset about it. I started questioning whether my decision to stay with him was really mine, or manipulation from him reading all my inner thoughts to my friends.

My advice is do not snoop. I would have shown him my phone if he asked, but I feel like he had no right to snoop like that. It hurt R.

Kelany posted 9/18/2013 14:30 PM

I leave my facebook and email logged in on our shared computer all the time. I don't know that he looks at my phone, but I wouldn't care if he did.

Josephine01 posted 9/18/2013 14:31 PM

My WH will look through my phone every now and again. I'm not really sure why, I simply pretend not to notice. No, it doesn't bother me.

naivewife posted 9/18/2013 14:36 PM

WH always had full access to anything of mine, but on d-day one of my first reactions was to change my passwords to everything. He recently asked me why I did that and I responded "Because you became the enemy."
That said, I do agree that openness on both sides is essential, BUT I also feel that there should be no pressure whatsoever on the BS until they are ready for doing that, as a step in R. A BS needs to close their world up to WS until they feel safe enough to be "open" again. WH again has all of my passwords and full access to whatever he'd like to see.

sisoon posted 9/18/2013 14:37 PM

My calendar, e-mails, and phone have always been open to my W, but she doesn't look. I do get upset when she opens my snail mail, but then we very rarely open each other's snail mail.

Gently, my bet - and I think I'd bet every thing I own and everything I can borrow - is that your fear of your W's cheating or leaving you is masking your own issues.

You can't control your BS; you can control only yourself. Ignore your WS's stuff. I urge you to focus on doing the things you can do that will allow you to heal, to support your BS, and to support your M.

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:38 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]

heartache101 posted 9/18/2013 14:40 PM

MY FWS took my phone about a year ago and was hiding reading it. Haha.. Ok I was asleep and I roled over and saw him. Stupid man. Oh well. Anywho.. No it doesn't bother me. Just wished he would ask.
But thank you for the insight on that extreme jealous bit that is exactly how he is. To the extreme scared that I will find someone better.
Look if we wanted to get rid of you we would.. So ease up! We have no intentions of getting rid of our FWS.

LosferWords posted 9/18/2013 14:40 PM

I agree with what naivewife said here:

That said, I do agree that openness on both sides is essential, BUT I also feel that there should be no pressure whatsoever on the BS until they are ready for doing that, as a step in R. A BS needs to close their world up to WS until they feel safe enough to be "open" again.

As it stands right now, and has been like this for quite awhile, my wife can look at my email/facebook/whatever at any time. I don't think she ever does, though. She'd probably be horrified. She's a very organized person, who cleans out her inbox a few times a day. Right now I have 372 items sitting in my inbox.

One thing we do is give each other a heads up around birthday/Christmas time. If we see an order coming through via Amazon, or any other shopping site around that time, we agree not to look at it, but with the caveat that we *can* look at it if we really want to or feel the need to.

There was a point early on when my wife and I did agree to have some privacy. I was heavily PM'ing another male member on this site, and my wife was PM'ing another female member on this site. We agreed with each other to let us have our privacy with those respective conversations.

But yeah, overall I think transparency should go both ways.

SpiderGrl posted 9/18/2013 14:40 PM

I've always been an open book. Now, If he were to get upset by reading something I was crying about to a friend, that might make me a little mad because it would be based on his EA.

scream posted 9/18/2013 15:20 PM

Sisoon...its not a mask it is totally about my own issues. That's part of what bothers me. Wife always wanted a little to show I cared. Now I have dreams about her and other men. Men she works with who don't even have faces. Just know they have more in common, blah,blah,blah. I don't look at her phone unless she is right next to me and she knows. And I don't have access to her email. I could ask but don't really need to. Its amazing what technology has done for us. Good and bad

Rebreather posted 9/18/2013 15:30 PM

Scream, are you addressing these insecurities in IC? That is really a fundamental issue for you to deal with and could likely be the root cause of your own affair. Please read Aubrie again.

That said, my husband has seen two human beings come out of my vagina and regularly screws up and uses my toothbrush. Yeah, he can read my email any time he wants.

In the earlier days of R, I needed to keep some things to myself and I did. I think that is just smart.

wert posted 9/18/2013 15:41 PM

Pre-dday = my stuff was open.
Post-dday = closed. I did not want her knowing that I was separating out our money, opening my own credit cards, changing bills to my name and evaluation my options for D. We were at war. Period.

Once she pulled her head out of her ass things opened up slowly and are now back to pre-day.

I still don't look at her stuff. I got 3 kids, love them to death, but I don't want to be married to one.

I think rebreather is spot on scream. You seem to know this is a problem area for you and I think you need to address it. It could be vital to your recovery. Not you M's recovery, but yours.

take care....

Jrazz posted 9/18/2013 15:51 PM

Before the A I didn't notice/care if Crazz looked at my phone.

Even though I had nothing to hide, for some reason it really upset me when I caught him looking through my phone about a month later.

It wasn't like I cared about "privacy" so much... it was more like, "I'm trustworthy. It's insulting that you think you have to check up on ME after everything YOU'VE done."

If he had just asked me for my phone I would have handed it over immediately, but something about him mistrusting me and sneaking around behind MY back just really got under my skin. He admitted to being super paranoid that I was going to leave him, which was understandable but also on him after all he wrought.

We worked through this with MC, and the solution was that he was to be forthcoming about wanting to look at any of my personal correspondence. He has all my pwd's, but he has to let me know when he's in the account.

It seems weird, but to me it's another tier of transparency. If he's paranoid that I've got something on the side he needs to TALK to me, not be a detective about it. I have proven my trustworthiness throughout our relationship so he tries to lean on that. It's been working pretty well.

scream posted 9/18/2013 16:03 PM

Thanks J. I would think a lot of BSs would feel that way at first. Just wondering if it may continue through R? As afar as my issues of being jealous...it hasn't been a big topic. Something else usually trumps it during an IC session. But it is something for me to focus on...does my fear of being hurt myself really affect how I have treated my wife? I know it has. Just need to think about how and why. Anyway. Thanks for posting everybody. Please keep them coming.

sisoon posted 9/18/2013 17:18 PM

Your issue or a mask?

I get that you're owning the issue. In retrospect, I should have asked about this rather than jump to a conclusion.

I still think that fearing your BS will cheat comes from something. It may just come from guilt, which you might resolve pretty quickly as these things go. OTOH, it may come from something deeper. I think you'll find it worthwhile to ask yourself why you're panicked and why you think she'll cheat. Once you get your first answer, keep challenging yourself to dig deeper.

I say this now, because questioning yourself on these topics may or may not reveal some useful, important stuff for you, and the best way to find out is to do a little digging when the issues are at the top of your mind.

Apple3point14 posted 9/18/2013 17:27 PM

I do not look at my wife's phone, go through her iPad, or look at her Facebook. I don't imagine she would have any problem with it, but I honestly like the fact that I am trusting of her.
She does look through my phone from time to time, and check the history on my iPad. I actually like when I look over and see her doing that. I am glad that that stuff still matters to her.