But, the OW was someone who took off her clothes at bars. Seriously. She did this in front of him. She was, in his words, "the life of the party and the center of the room." He spent a lot of time with her friends. His excuse for the A is that he wanted to party and drink. He liked her because she was wild.
I spent some time wondering if I held him back, but I've realized that it wasn't me. He was either faking to me about what he wanted, or he just became a completely different person during that time period. Not sure which one.
I remember 25 yrs ago my WH was up for it anytime anywhere, then real life, jobs, housework, etc. etc. etc. stepped in and he would rather sleep In front of the tv than have sex. The old been married forever rut!
We don't hold them back...WS could just up their game for us and we would likely have been right back into the anytime anywhere...instead they went looking elsewhere for excitement because upping their game would have been work and heaven forbid they put actual work into their marriage. Funny thing is after the A if they want to R they have to put double the amount of work and effort in to get anything back. It kinda backfires on them doesn't it?
[This message edited by emotionalgirl at 8:30 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]
Never wanted to do anything fun or exciting either sexually or just in general. He was always intimidated by my raunchy past - I see now that he his sensitivity as a manipulation tool to keep me in check.
He blamed me for him becoming beige when in truth he did that all by himself.
I went numb - I never did go beige.
I'm not numb anymore that's for sure.
I think a lot of BS's struggle with this.
Having had all sorts of sordid relationships myself I have to say even they become boring. If you swing from the chandelliers every night you miss good old missionary IYKWIM?
If there is no emotional intimacy or if it has been severed then you do need something completely new (for me this happened a lot when dating casually, never in my M. I wanted a better sex life and intimacy with him, not with anyone else. The thought never actually occurred to me until DD).
Its not about the sex though - it is about how you are reflected in the eyes of this new person. They don't know the real you - they only see the parts you want them to see. When they start seeing the real you is when you need to switch out.
People don't cheat because there is something wrong with you - they cheat because there is something wrong with them.
[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 10:49 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]
In therapy, they said it is like an addiction. They become addicted to this type of behaviour and the person. It is exciting to see how much you can "get away with" and then you get all hopped up on endorphins from the lust, sex, excitement the NEW YOU. They can't get enough of that feeling. GROSS.
My STBX is completely bat shit crazy. Like he is in a cult now. He makes no sense. Believes it was a good idea to leave wife, family, everything for this messed up skank so he can acheive "more personal growth" and thinks she is his "soul mate."
The addiction thing makes some sense. He is like a totally different person and acting crazy, making no sense. Being so reckless, like some one on drugs.