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sordid vs boring

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broken313 posted 9/18/2013 16:16 PM

I'm having a lot of trouble processing the depths of sordidness to which my WH sank during his A.
They were at it EVERYWHERE. Motels, cars, back of buildings, her marital bed etc. With each time they took more risks. Can someone please help me understand how they see these acts in a positive light with the AP during the A? He wouldn't in a million years have suggested we had sex in these places. How can someone behave so out of character? After 21 years of being together and me being BORING in comparison I am freaking out that I have held him back. Is it ME thats the problem?

Lonelygirl10 posted 9/18/2013 16:42 PM

No, it's not you. My WS always refused to go to bars with me because he wasn't the type of person to drink. He wouldn't go out with my friends because he was too shy. He freaked out when he thought his roommates might find a pink wig I brought over to his house, because he didn't want them to think I was slutty. He told me over and over that he could only date innocent girls.

But, the OW was someone who took off her clothes at bars. Seriously. She did this in front of him. She was, in his words, "the life of the party and the center of the room." He spent a lot of time with her friends. His excuse for the A is that he wanted to party and drink. He liked her because she was wild.

I spent some time wondering if I held him back, but I've realized that it wasn't me. He was either faking to me about what he wanted, or he just became a completely different person during that time period. Not sure which one.

emotionalgirl posted 9/18/2013 20:29 PM

I think you have to look on it from the point of view that they were in the fantasy part of a new relationship. Where everything is exciting and all rainbows and unicorns. They can't wait to be together etc. Then think about what the two of you may have been like if your relationship was new again. Would he have been on you for sex anywhere and everywhere?

I remember 25 yrs ago my WH was up for it anytime anywhere, then real life, jobs, housework, etc. etc. etc. stepped in and he would rather sleep In front of the tv than have sex. The old been married forever rut!

We don't hold them back...WS could just up their game for us and we would likely have been right back into the anytime anywhere...instead they went looking elsewhere for excitement because upping their game would have been work and heaven forbid they put actual work into their marriage. Funny thing is after the A if they want to R they have to put double the amount of work and effort in to get anything back. It kinda backfires on them doesn't it?

[This message edited by emotionalgirl at 8:30 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]

broken313 posted 9/19/2013 03:47 AM

Thank you for your responses. Fantasy to the point of risky behaviour? He could have been arrested, lost his job, been caught by OW husband, and given me an STI. No he wouldnt have done that with me, I wouldnt have been up for that. The cheap slut he hooked up with was up for anything and egged him on. He has said to me recently that he needs to be in a relationship and can see himself with someone else if it doesnt work out with us....think he felt young, cool and oh so clever.

SBB posted 9/19/2013 06:04 AM

The sad clown became beige gradually over time.

Never wanted to do anything fun or exciting either sexually or just in general. He was always intimidated by my raunchy past - I see now that he his sensitivity as a manipulation tool to keep me in check.

He blamed me for him becoming beige when in truth he did that all by himself.

I went numb - I never did go beige.

I'm not numb anymore that's for sure.

I think a lot of BS's struggle with this.

Having had all sorts of sordid relationships myself I have to say even they become boring. If you swing from the chandelliers every night you miss good old missionary IYKWIM?

If there is no emotional intimacy or if it has been severed then you do need something completely new (for me this happened a lot when dating casually, never in my M. I wanted a better sex life and intimacy with him, not with anyone else. The thought never actually occurred to me until DD).

Its not about the sex though - it is about how you are reflected in the eyes of this new person. They don't know the real you - they only see the parts you want them to see. When they start seeing the real you is when you need to switch out.

People don't cheat because there is something wrong with you - they cheat because there is something wrong with them.

Ostrich80 posted 9/19/2013 10:46 AM

This very subject is one I've been pondering on lately. I don't know if my ws has always had a side to him that he kept hidden OR if this is something he and ow discovered. It's like he's got an entirely different person that comes out, away from me. I WAS the one that liked to initiate new things in the bedroom and sometimes he would make me feel like I was kind of freaky. Since ow came into the picture, he's into things that I never knew he was. I see the porn he looks at, its defin not something he ever was into before. I feel like he can be uninhibited around
her but not me. I don't get it. Seems like he's hiding from me what he likes now. It's too late to try and dive into his desires now, he's pretty much destroyed what we could have had. For some reason I don't know this man I've been with since I was a teen . He seems almost shy around me. I guess he's closer to her and I'm like a stranger.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 10:49 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]

SBB posted 9/19/2013 16:06 PM

Madonna/Whore Complex?

Ostrich80 posted 9/20/2013 02:59 AM

Madonna/Whore Complex?

^^^^ exactly

sleepless34 posted 9/20/2013 18:07 PM

I have a similar situation. My regular, loving Mr. Nice guy husband got involved with some flaky whore he met in a sex chat room. She was in an open marriage, so he hung out with her and her weird husband, lots of sordid stuff and reckless behaviour. I know that there is A LOT more that I do NOT know. And that scares me.

In therapy, they said it is like an addiction. They become addicted to this type of behaviour and the person. It is exciting to see how much you can "get away with" and then you get all hopped up on endorphins from the lust, sex, excitement the NEW YOU. They can't get enough of that feeling. GROSS.

My STBX is completely bat shit crazy. Like he is in a cult now. He makes no sense. Believes it was a good idea to leave wife, family, everything for this messed up skank so he can acheive "more personal growth" and thinks she is his "soul mate."

The addiction thing makes some sense. He is like a totally different person and acting crazy, making no sense. Being so reckless, like some one on drugs.

Ostrich80 posted 9/20/2013 18:48 PM

@sleepless, there's not a another husband involved as ow is D, but yes same kind of thing going on. I've given up, even if he stopped contact with her, I have no idea where's he been or what he's done. I don't think he can come back down to just being my monogamous husband again. I'm afraid devil woman has cast a spell on the perverted bastard.

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