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Musings approaching 1 year antiversary

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catlover50 posted 9/18/2013 16:24 PM

Next Tuesday is the antiversary of Dday #2; the "big one", where the truth finally started to come out. Wow, what a year! I have spent some time today reminiscing; wouldn't want to do this year over!

But last year at this time I was thinking about divorce. We had just started MC, focused mainly around my H's unwillingness to give up what I considered an inappropriate work relationship. He lied to the MC, of course. He actually said we were there to make sure we did well during our "empty nest" transition! I just stared at him, then took out my notes and started talking.

Since he hadn't told the truth after the first Dday, and was lying to his IC for 18 months, he was still deep in his own version of the fog. He was trying to fill the black hole inside that the LTA had not only failed to fill, but actually made him feel worse. Since he felt he couldn't confide in me, he was hiding even the fact that he was taking antidepressants. He was as secretive and withdrawn at times as he had always been. Sigh. I just couldn't take it anymore.

Then the anonymous letter blew up our lives. I have now experienced meeting with a PI in a parking lot, going to a polygraph, having a screaming match on a public street, screaming and crying while curled up in a ball in my closet, HB galore... Wow.

But I have learned so much. I have helped others. I have gotten even stronger. And I have finally seen into my husband's core being, or at least as far as he is currently capable of allowing.

I never blamed myself, not for a second. I knew that I had given my all and that he had not. He never blamed me, once he finally started to own the truth. (he initially told our MC that one reason he took and made so many texts and calls from OW was because I was always too busy at work to answer my phone--later he had to admit that it was because otherwise she threatened to tell me. Okay, that was a bastard thing to do!)

I actually believe that he always loved me, although he acknowledges that it was not the way I deserved to be loved. I understand his whys and I'm at peace with his "narrative" of how it happened and what happened. I am glad that he was not emotionally involved, although I find it disturbing that he could risk so much for so little.

I have reclaimed our memories of those years. Not once, from phone records, did he call or text on a holiday, vacation, or romantic weekend. Rarely on the weekend or the evening. I truly never even missed him, since he took late night emergency call and would tack on the those, usually only every month or so. He never missed a kid's soccer game or award ceremony or family dinner. So I actually believe him when he says that he was truly with me, with us. He was a master compartmentalizer.

Three weeks after Dday #2 we went for our annual hike up the big mountain around here. At the top I had him tell me all the details I wanted at the time. We climbed back down and I ceremoniously threw away those thoughts, to be done with them. Thinking about that now makes me laugh out loud!

Shortly after that I found SI. The veterans gently told me I was getting ahead of my self; I would not be healed in 3 weeks, or 3 months. I have since dispensed the same advice. I am forever grateful that I found this site.

Now I have a M that I did not know was possible. Not only an unselfish, generous and open husband, but a peace that I never felt before. I am one of the rare ones who was not shocked on Dday; I never truly trusted or felt safe with my H. I actually do now; go figure! Some part of me knew that he had always hidden important parts of himself. And now he is so much happier; no need for antidepressants. He still has a lot of work to do, but has embraced emotional intimacy for the first time in his life. He feels safe for the first time in his life. Safe to be known.

So, all in all, I wouldn't give up this year.

Thanks again to everyone who has supported me on this journey (and read this long post!).

bionicgal posted 9/18/2013 16:47 PM

Thank you so much for sharing this - it made me feel positive about the future!

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