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Need Advice on Step-kids

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TryingEveryday posted 9/18/2013 17:34 PM

Hey Everyone!

I'm actually reposting this because I wanted to change the title. I'm really looking for anyone who has had experiences similar to mine. Thanks!

Hello. It's been awhile since I've been here, but I need some advice. Actually, my wife and I both need some. I'm hoping she will post herself and ask questions I miss.

Our story - in very brief form: She had two ONS while out of town. We've been through IC and MC and we are very much in R. As I've said in past posts, if there was ever a way of doing this "right," my wife has done so. Completely committed, completely in love, deeply remorseful. All of that. But there's an issue.

We were both married before (and ironically we were both cheated on by our former spouses), and both have kids. The kids all like each other (as much as teens like each other that is) and they all refer to each other as brothers and sisters. Her oldest daughter (20) is in college, is very practical and intelligent, and has come through this okay. She and I have a great relationship. We also have two other girls,both seniors in HS, ages 17 & 18. And then two boys, both 16. Everyone knows what happened. Most of them are dealing with it pretty well. Her kids (girl 17 and boy 16) both live with us full time and our relationship is pretty good. My son also lives with us full time and he loves his step-mom and is also dealing with this pretty well, though I know I need to visit with him more.

The issue is my 18 year old daughter, who was living with us until this happened. Now she's back with her mother (in the same town). My daughter's relationship with her step-mom has always been a little tense, but they do love each other. That much is apparent. But now, she's furious and almost hostile at times. All her life I've taught her that loyalty and family are the most important qualities, so I can't be surprised at this reaction. My wife isn't either. We both agree that my wife needs to talk with her. She has done so a little, but only in the immediate aftermath and not much since then. I am not willing to let this tear me in two - where I have a relationship with my wife, and one with my daughter, but not one with both. They both say they want to fix this, so that is a good sign, but we don't know how to go about it.

So . . . suggestions? Anyone have a situation similar to this? I can find research on how to deal with infidelity with your kids, but not with step-kids. Does anyone know of resources we can use. My wife wants to talk with her, wants to fix this, but doesn't know what to say or do. She doesn't want to talk about what she was feeling then, or where our marriage was, as she feels that is something between us and the kids don't need to be included in that. I'm not sure I agree, but it's her call, not mine.

Any help, advice, or suggestions would be greatly, greatly appreciated!

Thanks (and strength) to all of you!

SpiderGrl posted 9/18/2013 21:46 PM

I really think it would help all of you to do a family counseling session. All your daughter knows is that this woman hurt her daddy. I held unwarranted grudges against my stepdad for lesser offenses. Regardless of how YOU (as a child) treat your parents, it is a BIG no-no for anyone else to treat them badly. I wish you luck. I truly hope they can work it out. I think you are a great dad for trying to facilitate it.

authenticnow posted 9/19/2013 05:56 AM


I bumped the other one for you and changed the title. In the future, please do not start duplicate threads. It becomes confusing and is against the guidelines.

Thank you.

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