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sexual problems and triggers 2yrs out

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TheCollector posted 9/18/2013 18:42 PM

I'm 27 she is 24 she cheated with one of my best friends and my he was one of MY co-workers. She got pregnant and didn't know who the father was. We now know it is me...this was all 2 years ago...

I'm a BH and I recently have started having trouble with sex with FWW... Not during or anything but after the fact. I trigger hard about everything for days. It makes me not want to have sex with her but I can't talk to her about it because she freaks out about it. But she has noticed that I often have "bad days" at work after we make love... Giving her myself completely makes me angry and hate myself after all she has done to me...resentment is a huge problem for me... Is this the beginning of the end???

OK now posted 9/18/2013 18:57 PM

Cheating with your former [I hope] best friend is a cruel double betrayal; just adds to your loss. Then to have unprotected sex with him and in essence give him a chance to be the father of her child, compounds her disrespect for you.

So don't be hard on yourself; its not surprising that its extra difficult for you to forgive. Maybe MC would be useful to discuss your marriage problems before things get worse.

Is she very remorseful, or just going through an 'I'm sorry but lets put all of this behind us' attitude?

Pass posted 9/18/2013 19:24 PM

That sucks, Collector. Here's the thing: She's the bad guy in all of this. TFB if she freaks out. She made you feel like this, and she needs to make it better. Having you tiptoe around with it bottled up isn't helping you get better - and doesn't seem to be helping her either.

Is this the beginning of the end? Maybe. If she is doing all the right things to try to help you get over it (doesn't sound to be the case here), then the marriage MAY be recoverable.

BUT, it could be that she does everything right and you still can't go on with her. She threw your trust out the fucking window, so recovery is questionable. You have the right to change your mind, no matter what she does to try to make it better. Even if you decide to divorce, she is STILL the bad guy, on account of her fucking your friend.

TheCollector posted 9/18/2013 21:13 PM

Thank you very much for your replies. Is she remorseful?.... Yes I think so and she is trying to show me that she loves me very much. Has she been perfect?..... No...
We went to marriage counseling for 5 sessions about a year ago (1 year past Dday) when I was ready to go... BUT I had to pretty much drag her kicking and screaming to each session and then I got guilt tripped after each session... She said I was "rubbing her nose in it"...

But as of late she is trying more but I can't seem to talk to her completely openly... I don't trust enough I guess... Plus I'm dealing with a very serious TT situation that came to light about 6 weeks ago.... She had previously accused him of forcing himself on her witch I knew wasn't true but I finally got her to admit it wasn't true about 6 weeks ago...

I'm just sooo broken and exhausted

Pass posted 9/19/2013 08:09 AM

I'll try to be gentle: If you're still getting trickle truth, if she still isn't willing to talk about it, if she considers therapy to be "rubbing her nose in it", then she doesn't sound remorseful. She needs to start bending over backwards to make you feel like you are important to her, and like this marriage is worth saving, AND like you are doing nothing wrong by wanting these things.

My wife wasn't willing to do any of that stuff. She talked a good talk, said she would do whatever it takes, even agreed to the specific conditions I specified. Then she did nothing. Then she started having "panic attacks" when she was afraid I didn't love her. The attacks always conveniently happened when I started to feel some self-empowerment.

After three months of this horseshit, I finally decided she wasn't willing to fix this, and so I needed to leave. I was extremely co-dependent, and thought there was no way I could live without her, but was finally able to make this decision.

I'm not saying you have to end your marriage, I'm just saying you may have to get yourself to the point of being willing to end it. That may wake up your wife to the point where she stops making this all about HER feelings.

tearingaway posted 9/19/2013 08:36 AM

I am 4 1/2 years after D-Day. I still trigger frequently. You are not alone.

If you want to stay in the M, I recommend MC. A WW that freaks out about your triggering and sexual problems is not remorseful. The sexual issues don't go away very easily for some guys. I am one of those and it sounds like you might be one, too.

For me, it was more of an issue of my WW being "corrupted" or being someone else's whore. Those kinds of feelings, of course, lead to issues related to sex. I'll just be honest and say that those thoughts will never really go away for me. If I had to do it all over again, knowing what I know now, I would have divorced my WW. Maybe that is what would be best for you, but you also have a child now, so that changes the dynamics a bit.

When it comes to sex with my WW during times when I am struggling/triggering, I focus on myself. I don't "give myself" to her. I use her for my own personal pleasure and that's it. I have less resentment when I don't make any special efforts to please her or put her on a pedestal. While I absolutely do not advocate mistreating anyone, I have no problem focusing on myself first and foremost when I am struggling sexually with my WW.

OK now posted 9/19/2013 08:49 AM

She complains that you are 'rubbing her nose in it'
When a WW gives herself to the OM [best friend and co-worker no less], knowing that she may conceive a child and yet still goes through with act; that is worthy of some extra nose rubbing.

She wants to save the marriage but is not truly remorseful. Just do enough to qualify for the description of being so sorry for what she has done.

Kelany posted 9/19/2013 09:28 AM

Dude, she lied for how long, telling you that he raped her???? That's some seriously Fucked up stuff right there. Wow.

That my friend, does not sound like remorse at all. Add in tthat she's angry that you're "rubbing her face in it" is another huge indication she is not to the remorse stage. Wow, just wow.

She's got some serious issues to work through. IC should be first for both of you. I don't think you're anywhere near ready for MC.

TheCollector posted 9/19/2013 18:24 PM

Ok so these are the texts she sent me today in this order while I'm at work..

No call?

I love you.
Miss you lots.

Still want my husband.

Feel free to come home at 8.

Make love to me.

Why didn't you call? Don't love me anymore?

Sound of my voice grate your nerves?

Because I love you times a thousand and the best part of my day is hearing your voice...until you're home that is. Then its your hugs and kisses. Until kairi goes to sleep then its your embrace and your love. I hope you're just busy and not having a bad day because I need you. I needed you last night, wanted you around me. I understand its cuz of the baby but I never stopped wanted you...woke up this morning in with yhe same need for my husband. I love you tyler. I count the minutes till you're with me

Please talk to me....

Cant you come home at 10?

.......sooo all these texts are where we are at by lunch tonight... What do you guys make of them??? And also I guess I'm gonna go ahead and post my story in better details so you guys have a clearer picture of the situation....

MediumRare posted 9/19/2013 18:34 PM

Sorry to say, man, but she's not remorseful and not owning what happened OR fixing the issues that led to the problem in the first place.

What she is doing now is wanting you to just "get over it" as quickly and painlessly as possible (for her, not you) and wants you gush her in attention that can never be filled, and will likely result in her becoming Wayward again.

She "freaks out" when you mention things? She thinks MC is "rubbing her nose in it?" Come on, bro, get real here and LISTEN how ridiculous this all is.

So she "freaks-out" boo-fucking-hoo. She's the one jumping on another man's DICK while with you. Maybe she should start worrying more about YOU freaking out and tossing her ass out on the street, instead of dragging her "kicking and screaming" to MC/IC???!?!!

Your WS needs IC badly and needs to pull her head out of her own ass since all you have described, her initial and post DDay behavior, and now all her "look at me, look at me" attention whoring for your focus all point to someone that is likely going to cheat again and hasn't dealt (and not willing to deal for as long as you allow it) with the underlying issues that causes infidelity.

Good luck!

Kelany posted 9/19/2013 18:38 PM

Those texts are all about her. Nothing about you.

And I still can't get over the fact that she accused her AP of rape for 2 years and is expecting you to just "get over it"

TheCollector posted 9/19/2013 18:42 PM

I had a good friend who I WORKED with. I invited over to dinner one night after work. Introduced him to my wife. (she has literally no friends) so I thought this would be good for her but didn't realise how well they would hit it off.. didn't raise a flag though cause she had been lonely for a while cause she lost all her friends to drugs and she doesn't accept that and cut ties. So anyway he started coming over and hanging out with both of us drinking beer playing video games and what not about every night. Well after a while I started getting tired of it and she made a big deal out of it so I let it continue. She started to become a person I didn't even know almost over night... Our relationship was getting worse by the day and I could see what was going on but she reassured me that it was fine and that she loved only me and I believed her...welll her flirtation with him got worse and worse...we fought more and more... Than.....she comes to me one night and admits that they kissed once......I was furious... We talked about possible divorce... She begged me and said how sorry she was.I forgave her and death-stared him every time I saw him but couldn't say anything cause I couldn't lose my job. After about 3 weeks of this she begged me to forgive him and that he was her only friend in forever.......I manned up for her and did it....biggest mistake of my life...well he started coming around again and well guess wife ends up pregnant..... Now let me explain how the night I found out went.... I come home from work and he is on his way over right behind me to hang wife says she doesn't feel right and wants to go take a test. I say ok cause we had tried to no avail (her problems not mine). He gets to my house and and all the sudden I hear screaming and thudding coming from the back bathroom. I rush in there to see what's wrong. She is in the floor sobbing unable to even breathe. I go tell him he should probably leave that something was wrong... (another big mistake) the. She proceeded to tell me that she had had sex with him unprotected about 3 wekks ago. She had sex with me like 12 hours later too..........gross..... She says she doesn't know who's it was..... Breaks my heart....I fall to the floor sobbing like this man has never wept before...I leave the house.... Just to be alone a few minutes to collect myself... I start getting suicide texts from her so I come back to the house and scoop up all the pills she had out and flushed them. After she halfway explains herself she packs a small bag and starts walking down the road(she doesn't drive and her moms apartment was an hour drive away) ... Should have let her go then...but me being concerned for the child in her belly I call her mom and tell her that her daughter is walking down the road toward her house and that she might wanna go pick her her mom picks her up and brings her back to my house and her mom hugs me then says she is gonna take her to the E.R. to do a blood test to make sure and wanted to know if I would go as well. So I reluctantly went. We sat there for hours and she begged me that whole time. Finally we went back and confirmed it. Went home and went to bed since I had to be back at work in like 4 hours....... That's how I got to find out I was gonna be a father and let me tell you that's not how you want to find out. I will continue this in another post below.

TheCollector posted 9/19/2013 18:44 PM

MY LIFE IN THE DAYS AFTER..... My wife continued to talk to him because he owed us $80 even after I told her to forget it. A few Saturdays later I had to work and while I was at work she had him stop by to pay that money and she let him back in my house! I called her on my break and she told me he was there and that they were just talking things out...well I flipped out obviously and told her to get that piece of ***** out of my house or I was on my way home right then and she had the nerve to get mad at me for being mad about it! In those few weeks we talked a lot and she on several occasions said she wasn't sure what she wanted. She said she loved me but missed his friendship. I now truly believe that she only stayed with me cause I had a better job and was a more responsible person for her and her baby...after a few weeks she started acting like her old self again and said that she was a sucker and he just used her and prayed on her neediness... And she couldnt believe she fell for it....sounds to me like passing she acts like she hates him....

MY LIFE AFTER....... Not only did I have to deal with this pain in a normal way but had to continue to hurt cause its been in my face in several ways every day since... I spent 9 months not knowing if the child was mine. (agonizing) I had to continue seeing him every day at work for about 7 months and couldnt do a thing about it cause I can't lose my job (agonizing) His apartment where it happened is on my works street and I must drive by the crime scene every day (also agonizing) I don't believe what she tells me...I know it was more than once and she is just minimizing it. She ruined the excitement of my first child and the excitement of her birth cause "what if" was all I could think about... I can't talk to her about it cause every time I do she just tries to leave. I don't know how to cope with all this and I feel it is getting worse.

TheCollector posted 9/19/2013 18:59 PM

Thank you all for your continuing responses! It means alot.

OK now posted 9/19/2013 21:33 PM

I can't talk to her about it cause every time I do she just tries to leave.

That does sound rather unacceptably lacking in remorse, as if she want the whole affair rugswept and not discussed.

She is staying because you represent a stable, reasonably prosperous life for her and the baby. She intends to bully you into 'forgetting' this affair and moving on. What kind of marriage will it be with your unresolved misery and her determination to shut your pain in a closet, not to be addressed now or in the future?

With no resolution between you and your WW concerning this affair you will have little trust that she will not periodically indulge in more extramarital excitement.

Ask yourself, are you happier with your family or by yourself? If the latter then leave and pay the child support/alimony. Your wife lacks respect for you and staying means living with this disrespectful attitude, together with your deep-seated resentment. As always its your call.

TrulySad posted 9/20/2013 08:21 AM

She's not in R. Not even close. I'm sorry. It's even harder on you because you have a young baby. Until she owns her "shit", she is essentially still in the midst of her lies. The fact that she's still TT says so much.

I know some here are suprised at her saying the OM forced himself on her, but I'm not. My WBF had an ex who did that repeatedly with the new men she was with. Always told them the previous guy hurt her in some way. Now her story is she has cancer (maybe, but I have my doubts).

It sounds like she's all about HER, and the attention she wants YOU to give HER. So all she thinks about is her feelings, her needs, and how she's been wronged. You can NEVER R with a person like this, until they see the "light" and wake up to the reality of the complete devistation they have caused.

At this point, if she doesn't freely go to MC, and actually owns what she's done, gives you a timeline, quits the bullshit being upset with you, and is a total open book... well then it's time you did the 180.

Those messages she sent you, total selfish crap. Don't try and disect them, looking for something sweet or sincere. It's not there yet...

I wish you luck...

[This message edited by TrulySad at 8:23 AM, September 20th (Friday)]

TheCollector posted 9/20/2013 21:27 PM

Sorry I've not been on today .. been a bad day... See I've been triggeringfor several days cause my daughter was conceived between today and sunday... So its an anniversary of her sexual betrayal...

So last night we fought most the night then sadly I made up with her and we made love... Back to square one.... My neediness makes me hate myself... Now we are fighting again today cause last night she tried very hard to get me to take the day off with her and I said I'd try to take the second half of the day off... Well I was unable to today... These are the texts she sent me.

Should I get ready or no?

Me- I can't... I already asked.

Told you.

Thanks for letting me know. I was about to start putting make up on...

Glad I asked knew damn well you wouldn't be able to take a half day. Idk why you got my hopes up....

Idk why I let myself get my hopes up. Stupidity I guess.

Well, I love you.
I miss you a lot.
I'll talk to you whenever you want.
I'm guessing you're gonna be there till damn 2 so I guess ill run to krogers to pick something up for dinner.

I just don't understand how you can't use 'your' hours. That's why you have them...personal time = personal use. I wish you would have just called in. Spent the whole day with me.

And BTW, thanks again for last night.
Absolutely a-maze-ing!
I love you.

Sorry I snapped. I know you tried. I love you.

Me- OBVIOUSLY last night was a huge mistake... Don't back-pedal now... You were mad and you didnt care what you said a minute ago... You know I'm vulnerable right now but did you care? NO....

What the hell are you talking about?

What did I say that was insensitive? All I snapped about was you talking like you were for sure about getting a half day and getting my hopes up about it

I know you're on edge and upset but calling last night a mistake is a little out of line.

me-No you ripping my head off about something out of my control is out of line!

I understand that, and I apologized. I was trying to rectify the situation. I wasn't trying to fight or be insensitiv

This is nothing to blow up about, its a stupid fight. I was cranky. I am sorry. I know it wasn't your fault.

But if you honestly consider last night a huge mistake...after everything we worked towards and talked about last night...then it won't happen again. I'm sorry I pushed you into that. Take the rest of the day to think about everything we talked about last night. I am here for YOU. always. I am here if you want to talk. Again, I apologize for my overreacted response. I love you and I will never see our love making as a mistake.

I will be here waiting for you. I will hold you and rub your head. I will kiss you and love you. I will tell you everything will be okay and we will make it though this together. I will remind you last night was not a mistake. I will be your wife. I love you.

TheCollector posted 9/20/2013 23:18 PM

Now its later in the night and she sends this brilliant piece of work...

I wish you'd re-read the past few texts. I was not being malicious or trying to snap your head off. I was upset about you sounding so sure of you getting a half day and talking so positive then you didn't get it. I was also upset that it was 6 and I was assuming you did get off and was about to get ready because I hadn't heard anything from you. After reviewing what I had said I realized I was taking my disappointment out on you. Wrongfully. BUT I wasn't attacking you. I know you're on edge about everything and I'm not naive to think we had solved anything last night but for you to go out on the attack over something very trivial...I can excuse a lot of things given the circumstances but calling something we both know and feel to be a bonding and loving experience a huge mistake is unforgivable. It is the same as calling our love and marriage a huge mistake. If your goal was to hurt me, you have succeeded. This "fight" tonight was not about work or my crankyness it was a out for you to attack me and cut deep. I am sorry you're having a hard couple days, I am sorry because its my fault. I will be here to listen if you want to talk and ill talk if you want to hash more stuff out. But I will not let you degrade me. I have tried hard to piece this marriage back together, I will not be abused in any way. You need to call and go back to your therapist, we can go back, and if you feel it would help you, ill go. I will not make any more attempts tonight to right my wrong nor will I for a long time make any advances sexually towards you. Everything takes time to heal including the cut you have given me. I love you tyler regardless of today, or what happened 2 years ago. You continue to be my other half, my heart and my husband. I will not give up on you or us. We are going to make it though this. I love you and I will see you when you get home.

And before you think I was, I was not being self-righteous.

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