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yeah, another sex question

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Kelany posted 9/18/2013 20:40 PM

This seems complex, because well, that's what infidelity is!!

Anyway, my husband is SA 13 months into recovery. He also takes effexor (antidepressant) and wellbutrin (antidepressant but specifically to counteract the sexual side effects of the first).

So first, his sex drive is significantly lowered due to his medication. Second its makes it difficult for him to climax through sex alone, so he makes sure I finish, then I help him finish other ways.

Now, the complexity.

1. I feel cheated that he rarely can finish/climax inside of me. Like once every few months. I love this, I always have. I *know* its his meds, logically I know this. However, in my heart, I know he did finish inside of his AP's, which was before the meds. His LTA preferred it. He didn't always, and did have to finish himself off with her, but just *knowing* she preferred it kills me. It feels stolen from me, especially now that he medically can't.

2. Because he is SA, he's tentative. He does not want to act out in any way. Especially with me since he used me as his personal blow up doll for years, no intimacy, it was all about him. Now, when we have sex its great. Very connected. Better than ever.

Except, I am the one with the higher drive now. He's too afraid of triggering, so he has backed off. I initiate probably 4 out of 5 times. And even then, I'm worried about him turning me down. (God what a role reversal and sick joke). I respect his recovery. I really do. I don't want to trigger him. I don't want him to feel pushed. For so many years it was like I had a dog humping my leg constantly. Now, complete 180. I don't know my role anymore!!!! Do I keep initiating? He doesn't turn me down often, but he doesn't seem "eager" either, I have to work for it so to speak. I miss when he couldn't keep his hands off me. I miss feeling like he has to have me right NOW, especially when I feel like that about him.

3. I think why I trigger About #2 is because he *never* turned them down. All they had to do was say "I want you" or rub his crotch, press their boobs against him and his pants were down and he was screwing them.

Logically I know its not me, its not about the women, there are legit reasons for the issues at the moment. But, I want him to want me like he used to. I feel like that's been stolen from me. All of it. When damn it, all I want is for him to come, grab me, kiss me so hard and tell me he needs to be with me.

He knows all this, and hates I'm affected like this. But what's the solution?

Getting to Happy posted 9/18/2013 22:05 PM

I may be talking out of my of my ear but...

Could he be weaned off of the antidepressants?

Kelany posted 9/18/2013 22:11 PM

No, that's not an option at this time. 6 months after dday1 he was diagnosed with PTSD, mood disorder (slightly too mild for full bipolar diagnosis), and personality disorder with 90% narcissistic traits and 90% obsessive compulsive traits. The meds literally transformed him. When he's missed a few days he's horrific. Its not worth the increased sex drive for him to turnback into a horrible monster again. He will llikely be on meds for the rest of his life.

emotionalgirl posted 9/18/2013 22:20 PM

Samantha...have they tried other antidepressants. Some of them have less sexual side effects than others. I work in a geriatric setting and we specifically give some of the older men with dementia who have uncontrolled sexual behaviours certain AD to decrease their sex drive. Just a thought.

I would also suggest that you talk through your need for him to sometimes initiate and " grab you and kis you". Explain that him doing this once and awhile would not offend you or upset you. Communication in these types of situations is huge. For all you really know he actually wishes he could grab you and love on you, but his fear of triggering you is what stops him.

Good luck!

Kelany posted 9/18/2013 22:28 PM

He was on Zoloft, but it did little to help his compulsive sexual thoughts, hence the current family (effexor family) that he's on now. Zoloft was even worse for the sexual side effects, be couldnt climax at all, so this is an improvement.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 9/18/2013 23:06 PM

my husband has mood disorder and ocd among other things too. He is also on various things. He has taken those before--he is on different ones now. he sometimes has climax issues as he has reduced the dosage gradually. you only want to be on the bare minimum. have him ask his dr to wean him down a bit.

but yeah--same story, 15 years ago he was an animal now, he can go a long time without sex.

of course you take this personally in terms of the A. I know i do. even tho i know its not me i still feel like it is.

sisoon posted 9/19/2013 14:36 PM

A bunch of unconnected and in some ways contradictory thoughts, but no direct answers...

Read about Tantra. I don't know the field, so I can't give you a reference, but it could be fun looking for info.

Reframe. Feminist doctrine is that women are responsible for their own orgasms, so I guess men are, too, so detach - this is his problem to solve.

Reframe some more. Orgasms are important, but the journey is even more important. Some sexual yoga schools separate orgasm from ejaculation, and ejaculation is actually to be avoided. What you're experiencing may be a better way.

Look into how/why you feel cheated if he doesn't finish inside of you. That may give you the insight you need to be comfortable with the new state of things.

And it may be important to keep telling yourself this has nothing to do with you. It really doesn't.


Kelany posted 9/19/2013 17:15 PM

I think, about him not finishing inside of me...this is going to sound corny...but it was like he was giving me a part of him. (see told you). And then, he freely GAVE himself to THEM. And now, with exception of 6 months after DDay1, and then here and there since, I don't GET that part of him anymore.

Does that make ANY sense at all or am I completely whacked?

Missymomma posted 9/19/2013 19:26 PM

My SAWH used to be on that drug combo but now takes Viibryd, which is a newer drug that doesn't have sexual side effects and he doesn't have to take 2 antidepressants. His sex drive is normal now and he doesn't have a hard time finishing. It is hard for me to tell how much of that is about recovery and how much is about this antidepressant. Anyway, it is worth a talk with his psychiatrist. BTW, effexor was horrible to wean off of.

Missymomma posted 9/19/2013 19:27 PM

Oh, and has he had his testosterone level checked lately?

Kelany posted 9/19/2013 21:10 PM

Yes, and his testosterone is low. The cream he has makes him sweat horribly so be hates it. Sigh.

Kelany posted 9/20/2013 07:13 AM

Missy, I'll tell him about that new med. I didn't know about that one yet.

I'm trying to see if I can look at this in a different angle. My husband is VERY good about trying to let me know it's absolutely NOT about me. Ever. It never was.

He is frustrated too about the inability to climax through sex (he can other ways, so it's not like he CAN'T) and I don't want him to feel pressure about this so I don't bring it up much. It came up recently due to his SA slip (one porn incident a month ago). Which is possibly why it's at the forefront of my mind again.

Anyway, he goes through phases where he tends to initiate more, like the day after I wrote this post. He jumped me that evening, and then yesterday morning. So I guess, I just need to breathe and know he DOES want ME.

His A's were never about ME, his SA, was never about ME. Chant it over and over.

sudra posted 9/20/2013 07:22 AM

My husband had the same problem of not being able to finish due to anti-depressants.

He takes the daily Cialis and that fixed that problem.

Kelany posted 9/20/2013 07:27 AM

really? I didn't know that helped with that. I mean like I said he can finish, just not via penetrative sex. (Unless he misses a day of his meds, then it's sometimes possible). Usually he makes sure I'm good, then I will help him manually/orally. And even then sometimes it's difficult.

Emptyshelldad posted 9/24/2013 02:11 AM

I'm not a women so I may not be the best to help here, but I do view sex as a very connected, yet primal act, and I don't think your whacky at all. I understand that you feel like he was giving a part of himself to you, because I feel that way when I am with my wife. we find that there is a very erotic side to knowing that "I'm" inside her. she feels just like you do, so you are definitely not whacky. sorry for that bit of rambling complete with possibly TMI

but I wanted to make clear that I understand what you mean. another aspect to this is the fact that many many men are known to have issues with the fact that most women can't or don't have orgasms regularly through intercourse alone. instead the often need manual stimulation of some type. well a lot of men feel bad about this as it takes away from the whole experience, but they have to accept it as part of their sex lives. so I know how you feel about wanting him to finish inside you. and I felt a lot of this same feeling for things my wife did for him that now when she does them for me, just don't feel special.....a part of me is always wondering if she is only doing it because she did it for him so she has to do it for me.
I feel for you so much, I wish I could think of something insightful to say to help with your specific problem. but the best I can do, is tell you that I understand exactly what you are feeling. I'll think on it though and see if I can come up with anything more helpful.

tushnurse posted 9/24/2013 09:59 AM

OK a few thought from a medical perspective. If he is having trouble finishing it's definitely med related. This Combo in particular is known to be an ejaculate killer, it can also effect the quality of erections, so hey at least that isn't a problem.

I get what you are saying about finishing though. So here is what I suggest you do. Talk to his Dr (preferably an endocrinologist) about his low T. This can be treated with shots rather than creams, these shots seem extreme at first, until they try it, and see the positive results, then they can't wait to get into the office to get it, or learn to do it on their own.
Secondly, talk to the Dr about his dosages of this mix of meds. If they are unwilling to wean him down at all right now, when will they be? I get wanting to keep him at an even plane for a while since you are dealing with SA/OCD stuff. However he may be ready to step down a bit on the dosage which may resolve the issue, and if not knowing when they will may give you a time frame when you know things will be more normal again. If you know there is an end in sight, it suddenly becomes much more tolerable. Lastly, if these two things don't fix it, I would ask the endocrinoligist again about adding in a low dose daily cialis.

So in summary, try not to let this bother you, because it's not going to be forever, talk to, see Dr's that will help you manage this issue, and know that it is totally med related. This is nothing about you, and him, and his A. This is about chemicals, imbalance, and finding the right balance.
(yah he finished in his LTA too, but hell it sounds like he was able to finish, in her, in the shower, in the car, when a stiff breeze blew, when he saw a nice set of tatas, or when he thought about having a penis)So again, tell yourself, that it isn't about his A, it is about him getting well and choosing to do that so you two can have a good relationship, and share your deep love for one another in many ways inside, and outside the bedroom.

((((and strength))))

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