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morethantrying posted 9/18/2013 21:16 PM

Well, I asked for reassurance and ascknowelgement and he is doing really everything just right to help reconcile (post D day 8 months) then WHY DO I FEEL SO BAD after I asked and he agreed to it? He is being sincerely understanding and willing to help me. But it seems I feel bad...it seems somehow I am not being very forgiving by just simply ASKING for this help... I feel the "power" I have over him in getting him to comply is not very nice...maybe that is it...but why cannot I not just accept that he is doing a wonderful thing for me instead of feeling bad about it...what is going on here with my feelings? HELP!!HELP I feel AWFUL now

SpiderGrl posted 9/18/2013 21:19 PM

(((((((((More)))))))))))

I wish I could offer something other than a hug by proxy. I feel differently. I feel like my H OWES me whatever I ask. It isn't always helpful either. Especially when he doesn't follow through the way I want. I hope you can find peace. You DESERVE to get what you need to feel safe and loved again.

RightTrack posted 9/19/2013 00:37 AM

Morethan,
I often feel the same way. I'm always doing things for everyone else, the second I ask for help I feel selfish. I know I would benefit by calling my requests "communicating my needs". I'm SURE it's a positive thing for him to know what he can do to help you.

cantaccept posted 9/19/2013 05:04 AM

morethantrying,

Maybe if you tried to look at it from a different angle it might help you.

He hurt you terribly...

You both want to R...

You are helping him by being clear about what you need to heal. You are making it easier on him by letting him know exactly what you need. You are being open, vulnerable.

He is doing these things that you ask for because HE wants to. He wants to help you, earn your trust, help you to recover and build your life together.

Believe me, I am living this, if he did not have the desire to do what you ask, he would not. You could ask for what you need until you were blue in the face. You could cry, beg, plead, reason, explain...it would have no effect. He wants to do these things or he would not do them.

You deserve every bit of love, concern, compassion, comfort, remorse and safety that is possible. You deserve it. You are placing your trust in someone that has wounded you. You are holding out your heart to him, here I am going to give you a chance to prove yourself to me, I am risking myself for us. That is a huge gift.

You are not asking for these things out of "power" but because this is what you need to be able to feel safe and loved with him again.

Sometimes, to me, I feel like I am fighting every instinct inside myself that says "run". I think that is a natural response when someone injures you. It's as if you have to fight your own instinct of self protection to open yourself up to the possibility of R.

I hope this helps. I am only telling you my perspective and I certainly do not have a lot of confidence in my perceptions at this point. I am only saying what I would say to my daughter. Pray that it is right.

ItsaClimb posted 9/19/2013 05:53 AM

I find that sometimes the problem is that I "asked" for a thing. Straight away that causes me to feel some emotional stuff. Then when he provides me what I asked for, it doesn't sit right with me... Then I feel bad, because he gave me what I asked for and I feel... I dunno... ungrateful maybe?

It's sort of like having to ask a naughty child to apologise... the apology you get doesn't exactly indicate that the child is sorry - more like the child was forced to say sorry. So the apology doesn't sit well with the recipient. Far better if the child had come forward and apologised without being prompted. It's that kind of scenario.

I want my WH to do the things I need without being prompted, that way those things would feel far more heartfelt to me. I resent having to ASK for what I need (dammit, he should KNOW what I need... problem is he's not a mind-reader!)and I feel guilty for always "nagging" him for stuff.

I am hoping that as we go along WH will finally start understanding what he needs to do without me prompting him and I will be able to stop asking and then all this emotional baggage will drop away.

morethantrying posted 9/19/2013 07:33 AM

You all are so great! Can't tell you how much your responses helped. Just knowing others are thinking the same things. I THINK all the time. So tiring. Yes best if I don't have to ask at all. Yes I fell like running. Yes I think what can I GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP AND IS ALL THIS WORTH IT? He is doing right but I definitely have a wall up. Love is not flowing nicely from me and I do wonder what's the point. Could I be just as happy without him. Should I hang in more? Which I could get a break from my thoughts!!!!
Day 8 mo ago by trickle
Married 31 yrs.
one DD smile
Two almost three 1 year affairs