I don't blame you for feeling stunned. In a strange way it reminded me of my BH as when he feels rejected and hurt he projects that onto other things such as deleting pictures of me off his phone (just one example). And although not nearly as damaging as what you describe, it feels to me like it comes from the same place. That is, an inability to deal with stress/hurt/anger like a grown up. Which is obviously something you have experienced already with his infidelity.
What your WH did must make you feel so unsafe, which is what you are. Is he going to do this every time you get angry/stressed? His coping mechanisms are obviously still crappy and have the potential to cause further harm, to you and to himself.
At some point, he has to stop running and face himself and his distress as an adult does.
Do you feel like now it has all been false R?
Feel really bad for you. Must be so painful and quite a shock.
[This message edited by ophelia24 at 2:07 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]
I keep thinking of you picking up that postit note and the dawning realisation of what it was. I really feel for you. It seems like there is much more work to be done, and that perhaps he will really be going back to square one as to figure out what's going on for him. I hope he has the courage to do this. For both of your sakes.
edited out mistakes
[This message edited by ophelia24 at 2:42 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]
And I'm not saying either that his response was justified by this, but rather it seems that both of you have lots of stuff going on, and not surprisingly, lots of anger there.
As everyone on here says, take what you need and leave the rest.
I can't imagine how awful that must have been for you finding that note. But I am glad that you found it because at least now you know. I think this statement from your husband
He is agreeing now that he needs help and can't do this by himself.
is probably the beginnings of real truth and honesty from him. I hope he backs those words up with actions. Please take care of yourself, and take your time to work out what you want to do. In the mean time keep coming here for support.
It does sound like a shopping list and it makes me think how detached that it is to reduce women down to their size like that. But then, you yourself have no doubt felt on the end of this detachment perhaps? As if their were a film between you and your husband? It sounds like intimacy is very difficult for him. What are your thoughts at the moment? Besides reeling from it all.
What's the saying around here "when someone shows you who they are, believe them". This does not show you that he wants this relationship. And if he does, then he better start acting like it.
Sorry to be stalkerish. You have probably collapsed with exhaustion.
His first thought is to go back to acting out with prostitutes. He has coping skills, but is choosing not to use them. He choose not to talk to you, to utilize other methods. That's disturbing. And the desire for sex with unknown women, paying them, exemplifing the exploitation of them, endangering your health.
He just basically sunk your life boat and your surrounded by sharks.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
What sinsofthefather said "is probably the beginnings of real truth and honesty from him. I hope he backs those words up with actions."
I hope he backs up those words with positive action too.
I come in the house and see a folded sticky note on the floor by the trash. I pick it up and notice a bunch of phone numbers, with names, prices, measurements.....all with area codes of the city he is supposed to travel to next week. I immediately know of course what it is and call him. He admits what it is and I meet him at a park to talk, shaking and crying. He is very sorry, not saying much, ashamed. Says after the argument he thought it was over and went back to his old life. But then, he says he knows that is wrong and he throws the note away, which I then found.
You find the note on the floor, by the trash? Sounds like a manipulation to me.
I am so sorry for you. I believe it was divine intervention that you found that post it note.
I am glad that he is finally aware that he needs help.
Arguments will happen so please work with your IC and MC to address how to handle them in the future.
Good luck. We are pulling for you.
Hugs and prayers.
Your H was probably traumatized by D-Day, too. He was probably traumatized by the cancer and its treatment. And he may have been traumatized by your 'That's it. I'm done.'
If he fell into or close to despair when you left, he might very well have started to seek solace in his old way of numbing pain. Since he discarded the list of numbers, I'm not sure he was committed to following through with meeting one of the whores. Is it possible that he started on the old path and then pulled himself back?
I think your R is a very difficult one, because of the added stresses of his cancer and his job. The cancer could easily have turned his focus away from doing necessary work on himself during the last year - the work needed to change his coping mechanism from seeking solace with web-based whores to relying on your relationship when he's under stress.
If your H uses this as a wake-up call, he'll follow through by seeking help, and if he does that, he's a candidate for R.
R is a step-by-step process. Setbacks are almost a guaranteed feature, and this could be a setback rather than an end.
Gently, 'I'm done' is a very powerful threat. If you were really done, it wouldn't matter to you what he does now, so I assume 'I'm furious now' or 'I'm so frustrated now' is a lot closer to what you meant.
Not saying what you mean is a real R-killer.
[This message edited by sisoon at 10:04 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]