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Really Screwed up tonight

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Running the Race posted 9/19/2013 01:56 AM

My EXW came to get the kids. We started talking.
I should tell you Iíve had a rough couple of days, my work has called me in twice and I think Iíve averaged about 4 hours sleep the last two nights. I had to take the kids to school this morning, then headed back to work.
So I tired, on top of that, while fixing our home computer this weekend (my youngest broke it), I came across photos of us (digital). It was difficult to view, and took me some time to turn away.
So now you have my mind set (not to mention the typical struggle of being in the early stages of divorce), so back to my story;
My EXW comes in and we talk, somehow we both end up close, I initiate a hug, then a kiss. She pulls back. Now believe it or not, Iím not trying to win her back, but my emotions have me feeling unloved, undeserving, lost, and maybe somewhat like a loser. I told her I was sorry and that I know we are done, and she confirmed we are done.
I guess this entire episode confuses me and makes me angry. Angry at myself (she really didnít do anything wrong). I allowed myself to feel rejected again. Now I question, am I getting over her? If she asked to come back, would I have the strength to say no? And am I really this lonely?
I feel a bit embarrassed and ashamed of myself tonight. I also feel lost. I feel I donít know who I am. I feel she is stronger, and in some weird stupid game (that Iíve made up in my head), she has an upper-hand now. I donít know, Iím posting this out of confusion. I also feel Iím questioning why I do things? Am I in a new church right now, running, etc., just to get her attention? Deep down inside I keep telling myself I want to be indifferent, completely removed from her and her life. But I donít think Iím even close to that, maybe even farther than I thought.
Please feel free to share a story if any of you screwed up during your "moving on phase".

[This message edited by Running the Race at 2:04 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]

Nature_Girl posted 9/19/2013 02:34 AM

I have read quite a few stories here in the S/D forum which are similar to yours. I think it's pretty common to experience what you experienced tonight.

Think of your love & marriage like a bonfire. It's not going to be extinguished all at once. It will take time. A lot of time. And even when it looks to be out, if you kick some of the logs you'll find glowing embers which will flare up momentarily due to the increased oxygen. But that's all it is. A flare up. It will die down again. It doesn't mean the bonfire is going to fully ignite again. The logs have been burned. The fuel has been consumed. It's dying.

You are human. You can't just flip a switch and turn your emotions off. You're not going to get through this process without making some major mistakes. None of us do.

SBB posted 9/19/2013 04:52 AM

Yes. 8 weeks after S I embarked on a 3m False R. It was a terrible decision. My head knew it but my strong desire to not have to deal with any led to me fooling myself the most.

I thought rugsweeping would fix it. It didn't.

I thought if I could just be in his arms we could fix it. It didn't.

I understand what you are feeling friend. I understand the reaching out even though you know you can't ever be with them again.

Once I saw him I could not unsee him. I so wanted to unsee all of it.

I was forever changed by this - I didn't want to be but I was. As was our relationship. The rose-coloured glasses were obliterated. That they needed to be smashed didn't make it hurt any less.

As it turns out I've changed in some good, essential ways too.

It won't always hurt this bad. Old, toxic habits are hard to break but well worth it.

((RTR)) You're going to be OK. Be gentle with yourself. Put this incident behind you and look forward, always forward. There's a great future out there waiting for you - one day you'll reach out for it.

FaithFool posted 9/19/2013 09:10 AM


surviving1963 posted 9/19/2013 09:25 AM

I struggle with this all the time. There are good memories - holidays, vacations, babies, etc. For me, I have to realize the pain of staying in the unhappy, untrusting, disrespectful marriage that it has become, is GREATER than the pain of leaving the marriage.

jo2love posted 9/19/2013 09:38 AM


Please don't beat yourself up. You were tired, stressed, and then seeing the pics brought back memories. For years she was the one you hugged when you were down. She was your other half. You faced the world together, with all it's struggles and joys. There is no 1-2-3 way to switch those memories and emotions off. I tried. It didn't work. Take a deep breath, dust yourself off, and keep looking forward. It will get easier. Sending you strength.

Pass posted 9/19/2013 09:46 AM

I totally get you. For the first few weeks of our separation, we would hug and kiss each time we saw each other, and I even tried a booty call - which she rejected. For a while after that we still hugged. Once in a while she still falls into my arms to cry about something or other.

I know I shouldn't let it happen, but the contact just feels so good. I even went into the champagne room at a strip bar a few nights, and paid to be able to cuddle for a while.

It does get better. Six months out, I'm still struggling, but it's WAY better. You'll get there, friend.

Running the Race posted 9/19/2013 11:33 AM

Thanks for all the replies, the only thing I concentrated on was sleeping in this morning...

StillLivin posted 9/19/2013 14:10 PM

God, I'm so sorry.
All of this crap really sucks.
I hate that I lost my best friend. I hate that he did these awful things, and is still doing them to me.
I made up my mind weeks ago to go through with D, but it still hurts.
You cannot just turn the switch from on to off. Doesn't work like that.
Yesterday, had a funny conversation. Went to call my H, and realized, damn, can't do that no more.
Means I'm in a better place if I was happy enough to want to share, but it also means that when the reality breaks through, I'm left a little shellshocked that all of this stuff actually happened to me and it wasn't a bad dream.
One day at a time, one hour at a time sometimes. Get more sleep.
You are not unlovable. One day a really great lady is gonna want you so bad. But first you must heal and become strong and love yourself again.
Again, I'm so sorry you are here because of an A.

gypsybird87 posted 9/19/2013 14:18 PM


Please don't be too hard on yourself. Someone much wiser than me posted on here somewhere:

The desire to reach out is compulsion and habit, not love. He's been wired into your life, it takes time to rewire him out.

This helped me a lot. It's the same for you and your EW. Be gentle with yourself. Allow time for those old connections to fade away.

Ashland13 posted 9/19/2013 20:21 PM

This was a struggle I had for a long time before I knew he was fooling around with women on me. We were separated because "we couldn't get along", which was really his way of saying he wanted to try out other women and was working on OW.

I remember having these really strong urges just to touch him again or just stare at him like when I was a teenager. What I noticed about myself was that the emotions used to be so strong that I could not think rationally and would be running on auto pilot, reacting to life and words by the old instinct was to reach out to him, but mostly I managed to stop it.

I guess the gyst of my thought to you is that it seems like instinct sometimes and these emotions are very raw and primal that we have. The universe has been turned completly upside-down as well and sometimes we need verification that a really difficult thing is indeed, truely happening.

Also, there is a kind of loneliness that is unlike nothing else on the planet in being a BS and for me, a loss of validation as a person, even though it's the WS that did the hurting. Maybe you were feeling something like that and simply wanted a chance at some familiar feeling like a hug, but went on auto pilot in the midst of deep emotion.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 8:22 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

Gemini71 posted 9/19/2013 21:29 PM

You didn't screw up, you just acted without thinking. Your confusion and anger are growing pains. I've found that before anytime I make real progress emotionally, I have a very difficult, tearful, uncertain night. This is definitely a 'two steps forward, one step back' kind of journey. Be gentle with yourself on the backwards steps as long as you are making overall progress.

Running the Race posted 9/19/2013 22:51 PM

Thanks again for the further responses. I did see her tonight, just for the kids to be exchanged. I kind of ignored her, I just didn't feel like talking or anything. The kids walked into her place, and I kind of turned around and walked away. Maybe nopolite ksg polite person, but I didn't make the same mistake.

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