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Just don't know what to do next...

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Loadsofchocolate posted 9/19/2013 04:21 AM

It's such a long story that I barely know where to start.

Early this year I started to become concerned that WH was always chatting on Facebook to one particular woman all night, every night. He was also attached to his phone and everything had a password. I asked outright/begged him to tell me if anything was going on but he denied it. He met her twice that I know of. D-day 1 happened in June after I worked out the password to his phone. I read a weeks worth of declarations of love from both of them. I was devastated. After confronting him we decided to try and reconcile and rebuild. I made it clear he was to have no more contact with her.

Fast forward 3 weeks and I'm suspicious again. The only thing he appears to have done is remove the password from his phone. She still appears as a contact and he snaps at me if I mention her. I checked his phone and hidden away in a random folder on his email account are a load of messages they've been exchanging. The first was sent by him within 1 hour of our reconciliation conversation.

After confronting him again he calls it off with her. Three weeks later I'm suspicious again and ask him what is going on - he lasted 1 week before contacting her this time through Skype.

So, he calls it off again. This was the end of July. Since then I've just had a feeling that something is going on. She posts a lot on the internet and I've found out that she is interested in a relationship with him despite what she tells him. Confronted WH again last week and he denies it. I don't know which one is telling the truth as they both lie. I told him I want her phone number/email blocked and to remove her from any other account i.e. twitter etc. He refuses to block her and says he'll do it if she rings him again. It seems that each time I discover what is going on it just gets harder to find the proof the next time. He says he loves me and wants to stay with me. His actions however, say the opposite. He refuses to talk about the affair and I have so many unanswered questions. He refused to show me the messages they sent on FB shortly after I discovered the affair. Since D-day everything has been about him - he's depressed, he's miserable etc Not even the slightest acknowledgement about how I feel. He told me a few weeks ago "when are you going to stop snooping, it's not doing anyone any good"!! The OW has sent me many abusive messages and posts equally bad comments about me on her blog. My husband's response "she's been having a tough time recently" WTF!!

I really don't know what to do next. I'm still suspicious of his behaviour and I can't even talk to him about it without him getting mad. I really want to make it work but the more this drags on the more my resentment of him is growing. It makes me so angry to think we could have been working on our marriage for over 3 months but because he won't go NC we still haven't started to rebuild.

I feel so confused. Has anyone been in a situation like this? Is it worth trying to get him to understand? Thanks for reading if you have got this far. Any advice would be much appreciated.

[This message edited by Loadsofchocolate at 7:46 AM, December 29th (Sunday)]

AFrayedKnot posted 9/19/2013 05:39 AM

Welcome to SI. The best place you never wanted to find yourself. Unfortunately all of us have been in a situation like yours. The specifics may differ the the confusion, frustration, fear and pain are all the same.

Each time you confront he will hide it more and more. Try and take some time to collect evidence and prepare yourself for the next confrontation.

Please read through the Healing Library in the upper left corner of the screen. Also read through some great posts in Just Found Out:
Tactical Primer
Before you Say Reconcile
Boundaries and Consequences 101
A Great Post for Newbies
They may be a couple pages back but worth looking for.

Also check out in the wayward forum:
Things every WS needs to know
The Life Boat
They may be worth printing out and giving to your H on next confrontation.

In the mean time take care of yourself. Try to sleep, drink plenty of water, eat right and get some exercise.

Read here, post here, and ask questions. You can make it through this. Let us help you.

MJane posted 9/19/2013 07:16 AM

I am sorry I have no answers for you as am also so new to this but wanted to send you warm hugs and tell you that in everything you write your strength shines through - I am sorry you are going through this. Know that you are not alone and that you also need to think of what is best for you in all this.

cliffside posted 9/19/2013 08:08 AM

So sorry you found our little club. Gather evidence (print off any emails, make screen shots of FB messages or the youtube heart) and go see a lawyer. You could also buy a VAR and put it in his car.

You need to find out about Child Support - it can be different for those of us with special needs kids. Not worse, but if you have any therapy or medical expenses that comes into play. Talking to a lawyer will give you more power.
Then tell your husband a very simple fact - you are not ok with your husband having a girlfriend. He can either stay with you, go NC with her, and go into IC or get out and go live with his girlfriend. If he chooses to stay he needs to delete his Facebook and any other accounts, change his cell # and email and be 100% transparent.

This isn't about you at all. Most likely he has horrible coping skills and this is how he's dealing with the stress in your lives. That's not an excuse, but if he wants to stay he needs to get into IC and learn healthy coping skills.

I'm seven months out and we're in R but what still boils my blood is this thought: "I was going through pure hell, worried to death and dealing with the worst time of my life with our son and you were shtooping some WHORE?" Really?

Lastly, please try to get yourself to an IC. You need someone to talk to and some meds might help - they did for me.

Hugs to you...

Loadsofchocolate posted 9/20/2013 03:09 AM

Thank you for all the replies. I have started looking through some of the other posts on here and the Healing Library and there is some fantastic information on here.

I am gathering as much information as I can but I'm struggling for proper evidence. For example he switches his phone off in the evening when he comes home from work. When he goes to bed he'll turn the light off and pretend to go to sleep whilst I have a shower. I know as soon as I do this he switches the phone on and uses it in the dark until I've finished. He then puts it back and goes back to sleep so I don't know about it. It's not concrete evidence but it's not the sort of behavior you'd expect from someone trying to rebuild trust. There is no point confronting him until I have proper evidence - an email/text or something but I just don't know how I'm going to get this.

I have told him so many times about NC but i think his feelings for her are too strong. He said she was the best friend he had had in 13 years - we've been married 13 years.

He says he hasn't been in touch with her and he's trying really hard to make an effort in our marriage but I'm not convinced. I feel like I'm in limbo. I don't want to leave but I've given him so many chances it's ridiculous. How many chances does he need? I have a feeling he'll keep in touch with her but make it very difficult for me to find out. I don't want her in our lives and he knows that. I know I can't live in the situation that we're in but there is that small part of me that says "what if he is telling the truth" and that makes me stay. I want to believe him but my gut tells me he's lying again.

If circumstances were different I would have left by now. I'm worried about how it will affect the children mainly. I don't work due to the kids disabilities so have no income of my own. To make matters worse I don't speak the language of the country we currently live in (we moved 2 years ago - I am learning but I'm not very good). So trying to find out where to get support is a nightmare

For now, I'm trying (not very successfully) to find out where I stand if I leave. I think we'll be trying counselling in the not too distant future. I'm not sure if this is a good idea but I'm not going to mention the NC again to him for a while. I want him to remove her from his internet accounts because HE wants to. I feel that if I nag him to do it then he'll just open secret accounts which are harder for me to trace. I almost feel that if he is still in touch with her then the more he contacts her the sooner I can find out and the sooner I can leave and move on . Whilst there is that very small chance he isn't in touch with her I just don't feel I can leave. Sorry if I'm rambling and this makes no sense

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