Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying



Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library


Contact Us
In Association with
Infidelity -
- Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
Newest Member: timeheals (61501)

User Topic: Please! male opinions wanted!!!
♀ 37439
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I've tried this before for answers... I'm going to try again

is it normal that a guy looks at a girl thinks she's hot and thinks "man I would like to fuck her"?

Is it normal for an instant visual image to pop in his head about this? He tries to stop but I don't really see any progress being made.

Am I being harsh, am I being stupid? I don't want to be a dominant bitch wife but I really hate it. He hasn't seen his IC for a while (been really busy) so I'm hoping to get him booked in, in the next month. I would like some progress in my mind about this!!!

IF this is normal PLEASE tell me!!!

*fingers crossed*

OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These questions were the topic of a discussion..argument..between us several months ago.

According to my's normal..all men do it..Im ridiculous. It is normal for a guy to see a woman and, if attracted in *any* way to her,think about her in a sexual way,wonder what she looks like naked,and thinks "I'd like to fuck her."

My WH had,at the time,some shitty thought processes. There's been a turnaround in the last few months,though. I wonder,if I asked him those questions again,would his answers be the same? Im kinda scared to know?

I can honestly say I have never seen an attractive man and immediately started thinking about fucking him. Ever. Im not blind,or dead. I notice. But in a way that is more,"he's really nice looking," and then I go about my day.

I love my husband,and Im very attracted to him. In the entire time we have been together,I have never thought of another man in a sexual manner. Not one time.

FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
♂ 28992
Member # 28992
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Lauren.

Some guys have poor self control and will continue to look and then build some kind of fantasy around it. I work in the building trade and it is pretty pathetic to see some men staring at a beautiful woman and then talk about her for the next twenty minutes.
But there is the biological reaction that most men will have when they see a beautiful woman. If she has a pretty face it may not be sexual, but if she has a good figure then most of the time there will be sexual attraction. That is only initially though. With a good amount of self control it will only be a passing thought, over in an instant.
When I was married I made a strong point of what's called 'bouncing the eyes'. Meaning, looking once, but then bouncing back and not taking that second look. Seeing an attractive woman down the street can't be helped, but from then on we have a choice to continue or to focus our minds on something else.

"It's only after we've lost everything that we are free to do anything'.

Posts: 126 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
♂ 40299
Member # 40299
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd say this is different from man to man. Overall, if a man is satisfied(drained in the bedroom) he's less likely to look at attractive women and have these thoughts. It really is this simple for me.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Virginia
♀ 34678
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<<<<I was typing this response at the same time the above posters were typing, so I agree with them, and think they are "quality" men.>>>>

I think if you go to the thread on I can relate...there is a section for men who have been betrayed. You might want to ask this question over there...Here is my reasoning,,,,

The guys in that section seem like quality men. They loved their wives, they never strayed, they loved being Dads, husbands and having a family unit.

If those guys say, Yes, men always look at women sexually, then I'd tend to believe them.

I think the guys I have been friends before I got married with are not "quality", so they were always looked to get laid.

Now,,, last thought here,,, my best friends husband started taking adderall and then it led him into blurred boundaries. He started looking at porn. alot. He told my friend that for the first time in his life, when he for instance saw a woman in line at the bank, all he could think about was what he wanted to do to her sexually. He said he had never been like that before. He got off the adderall, got off of porn, and he says he's back to himself.

Also, if your WH says every guy is like that, to me it's kinda like my 1st husband -- alcoholic. If I asked him about drinking he told me that every guy has a drink now and then and thinks/talks about drinking. Well,, that's because that's the only people my 1st husband talked to. If he was having a conversation with a guy who was, say, conservative, didn't drink, had depth, my 1st husband would probably walk away from the dude, and tell himself "that guy is wierd"! So, who does your WH have conversations with?

Anyway, hope my rambling helped a little.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 5:57 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child.
Dday 12/19/11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!
D final10/30/2012

Posts: 4131 | Registered: Jan 2012
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what my XH and XSO told me about their thought processes. It doesn't happen ALL the time, but ALOT of the time.
I don't think ALL men are that way, I know the ones I picked are broken, maybe only the broken ones think this way?

Either way it sucks to wonder if the male half of the population is judging me being fck worthy before the even meet me!

I hope it's only the broken SA ones that think this way!

I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 6708 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if it is normal for all men but it is normal for me. I will notice and assess most if not all women I come in contact with. I always have and probably always will.

What is important is what happens next. If the thoughts linger for more than 2-3 seconds then I consider it an obsession. I mentally set up boundaries, no physical or verbal contact. If possible I remove myself from the situation. If I find my mind going back to someone specific after removing myself then I tell broevil about it. The honesty destroys any sort of obsession.

She is learning to do that same.

BS 42
fWS 38 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2859 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you want male opinions and I'm sure you will get them, but I am going to share the perspectives of my XH and my current H, and of a guy I was once engaged to.

I believe that some men think this way about any woman they are slightly attracted to, and because they are that way, they believe "all men" are that way. My XH was one who thought that way, and he thought women were mostly the same way (think about wanting to F*ck most any guy they might be slightly attracted to). When I told him that I am not like that, I believe he actually thought there was something WRONG with ME!

My current H of 18 years absolutely does NOT think that way so not all men think that way. We have talked about it and he assures me he has never thought that way (and I've never seen a sign in 18 years that he thinks that way) when in a committed relationship.

Even though my current H got involved with somebody else during a horrible time period of our M, it was was more about ego stroking and avoiding the pressures of life than it was about sex, and in fact he never did have sex with her during our M even though she wanted it.

I was engaged to a guy in between marriages. Even though I had my reasons for breaking it off, there is no way in hell he looked at other women that way. He had eyes only for me during the time we were together. Being married to my XH, you could see it in the way he acted on a regular basis, in addition to the things he said. I know he was "that way" but it made it even worse because he believed all men are that way.

And I'm going to say this in spite of the fact I expect some will disagree: For you men that are going to respond here, and say yes, "all men think that way" I want you to consider that maybe just some men think that way, and because you are one of them does NOT mean all men think that way.

I say this because threads like this have been on here before, and sometimes, even faithful men who are the BS, who "don't act on" these impulses, seem to believe that because they have these impulses, all normal men do also.

There is no "normal" for this. All people are different. Some men think that way, and react that way to attractive women, and some don't. I know I am a female but I don't think that makes my opinion less valid because a male can only give his own perspective, not the perspective of all other men.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 6:08 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]

Posts: 6826 | Registered: Apr 2006
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, not male but wanted to chime in. My H does not. We'll be out and I'll see a beautiful woman and I'll say to him, "Isn't she just beautiful?" and he'll answer, "I didn't notice" or "She's okay." Maybe he's bullshitting me but I don't notice him checking out other women, ever.

Also, slightly on a tangent but this:

He hasn't seen his IC for a while (been really busy) so I'm hoping to get him booked in, in the next month.
concerns me.

He needs to be in charge of his own healing, his own work. Why are YOU trying to get him in with his IC? He needs to be doing that, IMO.

"If you want to know who your tribe is, speak your truth, then see who sticks around. Those are the people who get a spot in your blanket fort." -Nanea Hoffman

Posts: 55122 | Registered: Sep 2007
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage are you saying if the wife doesn't satisfy her husband in the bedroom..he will have these thoughts?

Yeah..I disagree.

My husband is more than satisfied....thankyouverymuch.

FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
♂ 28571
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think there is a misconception that "She looks hot" or even "She looks like she'd be a lot of fun naked" carries some kind of elaborate fantasy construct with it when the reality is that, at least in the instances those thoughts wander through the byzantine stupidity that is my own head, it doesn't bother to even go there. Like "I wonder what she looks like naked" isn't a direct translation to actually imagining said person naked.

If your H is constructing fantasies about fucking other women then, I dunno. Not something I do. If it upsets you then it upsets you and at the very least he should be understanding of that.

Tempus Fuckit.

- Ricky

Posts: 7849 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
♂ 27673
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It varies from individual to individual.

I would say that for me, I notice women--I look for a second at their overall appearance, but not often is it sexual. It might have been 20 years ago(I didn't put much thought into it them), but I don't look at every woman with a "sex factor".

I do notice if the woman fits my idea of attractive, but that is it...a split second assessment. I always thought it rude and out of bounds to stare and wildly obsess---even if momentarily---because that shows a lack of respect.

But in all fairness, I do consider myself a prude.

2 boys-20 & 23(special needs)
Married 24yrs.(together 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Plenty
Accepting that I can may end this marriage 7/2/14
Heading for D

Posts: 2987 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
♂ 40299
Member # 40299
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused615, I'm giving my honest opinion about how I feel and behave. And I believe this to be true for most men. I think women want a long drawn out psycoengineered answer.
The best mime in the world is the one that shows one switch for men labeled "on/off"
Under the woman there are dials switches lights and buzzers.
For me I can control myself much easier if my wife does what I need her to do. It's all very simple.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Virginia
♀ 35758
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband says the same thing that most of the guys on here are saying.

He said he notices women, the naked thing etc... He said it is fleeting. 2-3 seconds.

I never notice my WH ogling women or checking them out either. I don't think a man needs to do that for this 'thought' to happen.

Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."

Posts: 2038 | Registered: Jun 2012
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I with those who say it depends on the circumstance. I think its only natural when a nice looking woman passes your way to look. Its an appreciation of the beauty. And what looks good to me may not be appealing to another. Yet when a woman walks around with a "Come fuck me" look its natural as well to think about having sex with her. Lets face it here. Some women like the attention that they get when they throw out the sex vibe. They will wear skimpy clothes, enhance their boobs etc. Its all in the packaging IMHO. But there is a big difference between a passing lustful moment and a person who obsesses over it. And there is a big difference in the way you articulate that lust. I may be thinking about having sex with her. But some guys actually have to come out with verbal comments of their intention. And if I'm in the company of a woman I would not even give it a thought. That's just rude and shows bad manners. And if your with a guy who constantly leers and makes comments about other women, well that's just downright disrespectful. And if he is so disrespectful in public you can imagine how bad his disrespect will be at home. If I had a daughter I would tell her to run fast from guys like that.

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 6851 | Registered: Nov 2007
♂ 34766
Member # 34766
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe it is different from man to man also.

Sometimes when I see a woman that is attractive I may say to myself "that is a beautiful woman." I usually don't think of it in a sexual way because the beauty I notice is not always appearance. Sometimes it's the way she carries herself, the way she acts around her family,the way she has aged gracefully, etc.

I am not gonna lie and say I have never had any other thoughts, but for me it's not the norm.

There was a time shortly after Dday that I looked at women differently and my thoughts were pretty negative. Not real proud of those thoughts but my marriage fun meter was completley pegged at that time.

So to summarize, I know guys that think and say crude things when they see an attractive woman, and guys that don't. I think it has to do with self imposed mental boundaries that some men have that keep their thoughts grounded. I would not feel to special if my wife gawked and fantasized about other men, George Clooney would be the only exception... she can't help it.

If there is reincarnation I hope OM comes back as a low water flush truck stop toilet!

Posts: 312 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Tx
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to add a female perspective: there is no way I could be attracted to someone I didn't know emotionally. George Clooney could walk by and I would say, "meh."

Posts: 7613 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♂ 38303
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I'm going to echo what StillGoing said up there and say that it's not really an elaborate fantasy or anything of that nature. I notice attractive women...I notice their face, their body, their curves...but it's pretty much over by the time they're out of my vision. It's nothing as tangible and straightforward as seeing someone attractive and then instantly trying to picture them with their clothes least not for me.

I have noticed, to some degree anyway, the phenomenon that Grilla is talking about....if my wife and I have recently had sex, or if I feel really close to her at the moment (because of sex and/or anything else), then it seems my eyes are less 'active', I think, meaning I notice fewer attractive women during the normal course of my day. However, two things: 1) My 'noticing' doesn't go above the baseline; meaning that whether we haven't had sex in 2 weeks or two months, it's still only an 'in-passing' type of thing, it doesn't ever get to anything more involved, mentally. 2) I am in no way saying that it's my wife job to keep me sexually satisfied in order to keep me from looking. I control my own eyes and urges.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 8:27 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]

Posts: 5173 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: North of Chicago, Illinois
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From a female perspective, I can honestly say I am very comfortable observing men, and noting the ones that are attractive, again it's just a few secondsn and doesn't devolve into "I want sex with him".
However in my life there have been 2 men that I have found so incredibly attractive that I have thought about what sex with them would be like.....NOT that I would act on it, but I think when ther right person hits the right person just right something clicks.

I mean come on this all has to do with how we are made, and all to just propigate the species.

But if your H is doing it a lot, and has some SA tendencies this needs to be dealt with, and honestly if every woman he sees that is attractive he's spiralling into that thought process it's not ok.

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13282 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ 29341
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad tushnurse said it, because I'm the same way. I definitely notice attractive men. And have fleeting thoughts. If there is someone I'm particularly attracted to, however, I try to minimize my time around that person. Because slippery slope and all that. But for me it's somewhat normal to see someone attractive and have a sexual thought. And I'm not sure if that's bad, but I'm just being honest. And I realize I'm not a dude.

Proud mom to a lovely young lady and a sweet little boy.

Posts: 8444 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Southeast US
Topic Posts: 130
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
© 2002 - 2017 All Rights Reserved.