is it normal that a guy looks at a girl thinks she's hot and thinks "man I would like to fuck her"?
Is it normal for an instant visual image to pop in his head about this? He tries to stop but I don't really see any progress being made.
Am I being harsh, am I being stupid? I don't want to be a dominant bitch wife but I really hate it. He hasn't seen his IC for a while (been really busy) so I'm hoping to get him booked in, in the next month. I would like some progress in my mind about this!!!
IF this is normal PLEASE tell me!!!
According to my WH..yes..it's normal..all men do it..Im ridiculous. It is normal for a guy to see a woman and, if attracted in *any* way to her,think about her in a sexual way,wonder what she looks like naked,and thinks "I'd like to fuck her."
My WH had,at the time,some shitty thought processes. There's been a turnaround in the last few months,though. I wonder,if I asked him those questions again,would his answers be the same? Im kinda scared to ask..you know?
I can honestly say I have never seen an attractive man and immediately started thinking about fucking him. Ever. Im not blind,or dead. I notice. But in a way that is more,"he's really nice looking," and then I go about my day.
I love my husband,and Im very attracted to him. In the entire time we have been together,I have never thought of another man in a sexual manner. Not one time.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Some guys have poor self control and will continue to look and then build some kind of fantasy around it. I work in the building trade and it is pretty pathetic to see some men staring at a beautiful woman and then talk about her for the next twenty minutes.
But there is the biological reaction that most men will have when they see a beautiful woman. If she has a pretty face it may not be sexual, but if she has a good figure then most of the time there will be sexual attraction. That is only initially though. With a good amount of self control it will only be a passing thought, over in an instant.
When I was married I made a strong point of what's called 'bouncing the eyes'. Meaning, looking once, but then bouncing back and not taking that second look. Seeing an attractive woman down the street can't be helped, but from then on we have a choice to continue or to focus our minds on something else.
I think if you go to the thread on I can relate...there is a section for men who have been betrayed. You might want to ask this question over there...Here is my reasoning,,,,
The guys in that section seem like quality men. They loved their wives, they never strayed, they loved being Dads, husbands and having a family unit.
If those guys say, Yes, men always look at women sexually, then I'd tend to believe them.
I think the guys I have been friends before I got married with are not "quality", so they were always looked to get laid.
Now,,, last thought here,,, my best friends husband started taking adderall and then it led him into blurred boundaries. He started looking at porn. alot. He told my friend that for the first time in his life, when he for instance saw a woman in line at the bank, all he could think about was what he wanted to do to her sexually. He said he had never been like that before. He got off the adderall, got off of porn, and he says he's back to himself.
Also, if your WH says every guy is like that, to me it's kinda like my 1st husband -- alcoholic. If I asked him about drinking he told me that every guy has a drink now and then and thinks/talks about drinking. Well,, that's because that's the only people my 1st husband talked to. If he was having a conversation with a guy who was, say, conservative, didn't drink, had depth, my 1st husband would probably walk away from the dude, and tell himself "that guy is wierd"! So, who does your WH have conversations with?
Anyway, hope my rambling helped a little.
[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 5:57 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Either way it sucks to wonder if the male half of the population is judging me being f•ck worthy before the even meet me!
I hope it's only the broken SA ones that think this way!
What is important is what happens next. If the thoughts linger for more than 2-3 seconds then I consider it an obsession. I mentally set up boundaries, no physical or verbal contact. If possible I remove myself from the situation. If I find my mind going back to someone specific after removing myself then I tell broevil about it. The honesty destroys any sort of obsession.
She is learning to do that same.
I believe that some men think this way about any woman they are slightly attracted to, and because they are that way, they believe "all men" are that way. My XH was one who thought that way, and he thought women were mostly the same way (think about wanting to F*ck most any guy they might be slightly attracted to). When I told him that I am not like that, I believe he actually thought there was something WRONG with ME!
My current H of 18 years absolutely does NOT think that way so not all men think that way. We have talked about it and he assures me he has never thought that way (and I've never seen a sign in 18 years that he thinks that way) when in a committed relationship.
Even though my current H got involved with somebody else during a horrible time period of our M, it was was more about ego stroking and avoiding the pressures of life than it was about sex, and in fact he never did have sex with her during our M even though she wanted it.
I was engaged to a guy in between marriages. Even though I had my reasons for breaking it off, there is no way in hell he looked at other women that way. He had eyes only for me during the time we were together. Being married to my XH, you could see it in the way he acted on a regular basis, in addition to the things he said. I know he was "that way" but it made it even worse because he believed all men are that way.
And I'm going to say this in spite of the fact I expect some will disagree: For you men that are going to respond here, and say yes, "all men think that way" I want you to consider that maybe just some men think that way, and because you are one of them does NOT mean all men think that way.
I say this because threads like this have been on here before, and sometimes, even faithful men who are the BS, who "don't act on" these impulses, seem to believe that because they have these impulses, all normal men do also.
There is no "normal" for this. All people are different. Some men think that way, and react that way to attractive women, and some don't. I know I am a female but I don't think that makes my opinion less valid because a male can only give his own perspective, not the perspective of all other men.
[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 6:08 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]
Also, slightly on a tangent but this:
He hasn't seen his IC for a while (been really busy) so I'm hoping to get him booked in, in the next month.
He needs to be in charge of his own healing, his own work. Why are YOU trying to get him in with his IC? He needs to be doing that, IMO.
My husband is more than satisfied....thankyouverymuch.
If your H is constructing fantasies about fucking other women then, I dunno. Not something I do. If it upsets you then it upsets you and at the very least he should be understanding of that.
I would say that for me, I notice women--I look for a second at their overall appearance, but not often is it sexual. It might have been 20 years ago(I didn't put much thought into it them), but I don't look at every woman with a "sex factor".
I do notice if the woman fits my idea of attractive, but that is it...a split second assessment. I always thought it rude and out of bounds to stare and wildly obsess---even if momentarily---because that shows a lack of respect.
But in all fairness, I do consider myself a prude.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
He said he notices women, the naked thing etc... He said it is fleeting. 2-3 seconds.
I never notice my WH ogling women or checking them out either. I don't think a man needs to do that for this 'thought' to happen.
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl
"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."
Sometimes when I see a woman that is attractive I may say to myself "that is a beautiful woman." I usually don't think of it in a sexual way because the beauty I notice is not always appearance. Sometimes it's the way she carries herself, the way she acts around her family,the way she has aged gracefully, etc.
I am not gonna lie and say I have never had any other thoughts, but for me it's not the norm.
There was a time shortly after Dday that I looked at women differently and my thoughts were pretty negative. Not real proud of those thoughts but my marriage fun meter was completley pegged at that time.
So to summarize, I know guys that think and say crude things when they see an attractive woman, and guys that don't. I think it has to do with self imposed mental boundaries that some men have that keep their thoughts grounded. I would not feel to special if my wife gawked and fantasized about other men, George Clooney would be the only exception... she can't help it.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”
I have noticed, to some degree anyway, the phenomenon that Grilla is talking about....if my wife and I have recently had sex, or if I feel really close to her at the moment (because of sex and/or anything else), then it seems my eyes are less 'active', I think, meaning I notice fewer attractive women during the normal course of my day. However, two things: 1) My 'noticing' doesn't go above the baseline; meaning that whether we haven't had sex in 2 weeks or two months, it's still only an 'in-passing' type of thing, it doesn't ever get to anything more involved, mentally. 2) I am in no way saying that it's my wife job to keep me sexually satisfied in order to keep me from looking. I control my own eyes and urges.
[This message edited by FacePunched at 8:27 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]
I mean come on this all has to do with how we are made, and all to just propigate the species.
But if your H is doing it a lot, and has some SA tendencies this needs to be dealt with, and honestly if every woman he sees that is attractive he's spiralling into that thought process it's not ok.